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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM thinks I should ring SS and Police

125 replies

RachelRagged · 07/05/2017 13:14

Good Afternoon AIBU (I don't think so but open to be shown I am).

DM and me have a on off realtionship , I love her but she is very much I am right" of manner and attitude and it rubs me the wrong way, it always has .

My 2 youngest DCs are both DSs aged 16 and 13. They ARE a handfull, this is true , but there are reasons for this . Youngest has taken my debit card and spent on it online (I will get this back from the bank I hope) and of course its been found out . He is also a school refuser , though school do not seem overly bothered as never contact me (I keep in touch via an email). I also have depression

DM reckons I should call the SS about the school refusal (I think they are overstretched myself) and police about stealing from the debit card . I do not ... so we just had a to do on the phone .

What would YOU do please .. ?

TIA

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 07/05/2017 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isittimetogotobed · 07/05/2017 15:13

It sounds like you could use some 'early help' provision.
An early help single assessment could be done with the school and see what support can be put into place for you as a family. This can involve other services like CAMHS. Have a chat with the school and ask them to set this up.

sunshinesupermum · 07/05/2017 15:15

OP has disappeared? Perhaps she doesn't like hearing the truth from DM or Mumsnet. Her boys are out of (her) control and she doesn't want help/to get SS involved.

youarenotkiddingme · 07/05/2017 15:17

You may not get the money back from the bank without a police report for fraud - or the bank may report because you've reported card as stolen.

And SS are there to support families in difficulty. I'm not surprised the school aren't on your back if they meet your lax attitude.

As it is - when my ds with Asd and anxiety refused scho I did have telephone support from a SW who supported me to contact the right people. SS assisted because ds self harmed. They will support you because your ds is assaulting you.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/05/2017 15:23

This situation is out of control. OP you clearly need some help.

LedaP · 07/05/2017 15:24

Your mum is right.

It seems you have checked out. I get you are depressed but these kids need a parent.

You wont get your money back eithout involving the police and possibly not even then as you didnt keep you card secure. Banks dont refund stolen money if the police arent involved.

You are not coping and not parenting. Your kids need help.

DuchessK · 07/05/2017 15:29

Wolfie's first comment was spot on. You need to raise your bar massively on acceptable behaviour.

BIWI · 07/05/2017 15:29

You aren't really open to being told YABU though, are you?

Lots of good advice here, but you think you're being hounded off, like your friend Hmm

You could always go and join her on the Other Side, but I don't think you'll get anything like the advice you've had here.

For what it's worth, I'm really sorry for your situation, it must be very tough. But by not dealing with it, you're actually making it worse. And your DC don't need to be frightened by you - there is a middle ground between your (current) way and your DM's way!

Itsnotwhatitseems · 07/05/2017 15:31

Am I correct in thinking these are step sons OP? if so where are the other adults responsible for raising them in all this? Hi mum and his father (your DH) are they helping with all these issues, it seems a lot for you alone to conquer if there is conflicting parenting styles

MaisyPops · 07/05/2017 15:32

I'm not surprised the school aren't on your back if they meet your lax attitude.
They'll probably be passing concerns straight to SS if I'm honest if it's linked to school refusal and they've got nowhere with home (I'm assuming here that school have tried to work with home even though OP says school aren't bothered I imaging that's not the full version). Even then they can only base their reports on things they see and the children say.

I also wonder whether the OP Mum might do a referral anyway or speak to school directly so they do one. If the OP is in as much denial/acceptance of the situation and thinks everyone else is being being mean her mother might have to take to step.

youarenotkiddingme · 07/05/2017 15:56

Rachel o hope you come back. Please do as you need support Flowers

Let me put it this way and see if it helps you manage to change your mindset.

It's very possible your desperation and DS1 suspected ASD has had an impact on DS2 and his acting out is out of frustration and attention seeking. Is also possible DS2 is also on the spectrum and there's other reasons behind his behaviour. (A 13yo should be able to work out and have the self control kit to spend all family money online as they'll realise it's earmarked for rent/bills/food etc )

But.... although there is always a communicative function behind behaviour the behaviour itself needs to be managed and rectified - and that's where outside agencies come in. My ds has asd and anger problems and sees psychologist through Camhs because he justifies his behaviour through others actions.

Next time your DS assaults someone and it's in the street do you think the judge in court will say "it's ok - you don't need punishment because your elder brother had difficulties?" They won't - they may set a punishment alongside support but by then your Ds will have a criminal record. You can prevent it getting that far by engaging with agencies.

Do you think when ds decides he wants to go to college, do an apprenticeship or get a job they'll look at his school record and say "it's ok you have poor attendance and no qualifications because your birthed had difficulties?" No they won't. Again at that point they support him into college but he's likely to have to start at the bottom - which can be prevented if support is sought and out in place now.

I get it's difficult and you sound brow beaten and defeated. But the sooner your get support for your families unit the sooner you can all start to mend and heal and forge a positive future for you all.

Crispsheets · 07/05/2017 15:58

Just realised who the friend is....
Your mum speaks a lot of sense OP. You say you were scared of her, but you've gone the other way with your parenting. Say goodbye to your money.
Be proactive and meet with the school.

PotteringAlong · 07/05/2017 16:05

If you want the money back from the bank you will need a crime number so you need to report it. If you're waiting for the bailiff you cannot absorb the money so you have no choice really.

MaisyPops · 07/05/2017 16:06

Crispsheets
Who's the friend? I've missed something. Was there some kind of other thread or reverse?

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newdaylight · 07/05/2017 16:21

You'll probably not very a social worker if you ring SS. It doesn't meet threshold. But they will look at giving you a family support worker to support you in challenging their behaviors, which in my opinion is just what might help

jamdonut · 07/05/2017 16:42

You asked " what would you do?".
Well I sure as hell would not let my children refuse to go to school. I would never have let it get so far.
How come you allow them out of the house when they have been punished and what on Earth must their behaviour be like for them to be banned from the library.? Sounds like you are lucky the Police haven't visited you,already.
I'm sorry to say this, but your Mum is right, you need SS, and any further ' assaults' , definitely the Police. They sound out of control.

Emphasise · 07/05/2017 16:47

When you report the "fraud" to the bank they will ask you if anyone else has access to the card, if you know who took the money and I'd you are prepared to have it reported to the police ( I know, I had to report a real one last week) What will you say?

Crispsheets · 07/05/2017 16:54

Francis yes

Sugarformyhoney · 07/05/2017 16:58

Sounds like you are having a really tricky time.
Social services are unlikely to get involved as there is no real risk here, however if you want it they will provide a family worker (not SS) to help you manage things.

WomblingThree · 07/05/2017 17:19

Let's not be ridiculous with all the I-know-something-you-don't-know. The friend is Ghostspirit. The OP of this thread always popped up on her threads, me-railing and defending. Now she's using her for her own agenda.

Starlight2345 · 07/05/2017 17:40

My DS's head thinks he has PDA, Diagnosis is difficult dependant upon where you live in the country..However. I do think in this case..The fact your mum was so strict you seem to have gone to far the other way.

If your DS (13) does not have suspected PDA you do need to address his behaviour. You sound like you need support to do this.

SS are overstretched but I agree with the pp who said he is going to end up uneducated, and living a life of crime..His bad behaviour does not confine itself to the home as he is banned from the library.

Yes speak to the police..Change your pin no and lock your card and money away at home. What has he ordered can it be returned?

People are battling to get help for their kids, you seem to have given up.

Is your Eldest under CAHMS? Get him assessed you will often be offered parenting courses through CAHMS..

ifeelcraptonight · 07/05/2017 17:41

You really need outside help.

LouHotel · 07/05/2017 17:54

You need additional support. Personally think some posters are being too harsh. By 13 years my brothers were all easily over 6ft and built like brick shit houses, so if they refused to go to school and ignore all other types of discipline there is no way my DM could have made them. What they need is counselling.

thethoughtfox · 07/05/2017 18:58

You sound like you need some help and support. Speak to school or SS to see if they can point you in the direction of some help.