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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM thinks I should ring SS and Police

125 replies

RachelRagged · 07/05/2017 13:14

Good Afternoon AIBU (I don't think so but open to be shown I am).

DM and me have a on off realtionship , I love her but she is very much I am right" of manner and attitude and it rubs me the wrong way, it always has .

My 2 youngest DCs are both DSs aged 16 and 13. They ARE a handfull, this is true , but there are reasons for this . Youngest has taken my debit card and spent on it online (I will get this back from the bank I hope) and of course its been found out . He is also a school refuser , though school do not seem overly bothered as never contact me (I keep in touch via an email). I also have depression

DM reckons I should call the SS about the school refusal (I think they are overstretched myself) and police about stealing from the debit card . I do not ... so we just had a to do on the phone .

What would YOU do please .. ?

TIA

OP posts:

Rossigigi · 07/05/2017 19:52

You are losing control of your sons whether you want to admit it or not. Theft, assault, school refusal-
This is not normal!!! Wake up to what's going on.

Foxysoxy01 · 07/05/2017 19:59

I think you should speak to SS!

Hopefully they could offer you some support and guidance.

There is nothing to be scared of, they won't just take your DC away. They will try and find ways to resolve the problems you are having at the moment.

Lallypopstick · 07/05/2017 20:19

I'll admit I'm basing my experience of CAMHS on one region but it's for young people with mental health needs, which this doesn't sound like. CAMHS isnt the answer for everything and I can't see this meeting any threshold for referral.

And don't get me started on PDA...

youarenotkiddingme · 07/05/2017 20:45

It's easy to assume by school refusal you mean just refusing to go. It can also be a child who is so distressed by going they hide and have a anxiety attack at the thought. My ds had this. I actually wrangled my teeny year 7 11yo in repeatedly until I realised that just because I could make him didn't mean I should. He changed schools and hasn't refused 1 day since. Sometimes there's a bigger picture.

But what ever way the young ds refusal is presenting the OP needs outside help to get him in- be it blatant "you can't make me" or some other reason.

user1493022461 · 07/05/2017 20:54

you wont get the money back from the bank. Why would you?

TheSecretMrsFairbrother · 07/05/2017 20:56

Sorry if I derail, but what is PDA?

Floggingmolly · 07/05/2017 20:56

Of course you won't. I presume you haven't minimised it to your son because of your deluded blithe assumption that there was no harm done, the bank would give it back??

Nikitasol · 07/05/2017 20:58

Most local authorities free triple p parenting courses aimed at how top parent teenagers. They're really useful and supportive.

I really wouldn't involve police or ss. That's definitely not their remit and a waste of resources.

Astro55 · 07/05/2017 20:58

Pathological Demand Avoidence

Not doing as asked - gets angry quickly - escalates quickly - usually likes banging things for effect

Rarely appears out of control -

ifeelcraptonight · 07/05/2017 20:58

Not a hope of getting the money back if you don't report it to the police, or if he knew your pin number.

wonderingsoul · 07/05/2017 21:02

I would deff ring the police.. hes not a small boy.. he knew what he was doing.

My 10 year old has started taking my chocolate that iv saved.. hes done tbis abandfull of times. Intild him the next time he did it i would take him to the police station for a talking to.
It soesnt matter if it was a chocolate bar.. its vecause he knows its mine and he took it because he wanted it. In the not so far furture itll be money that will make him tixk and will steal that.

He shouldnt be hitting you at all. He has no tespect for you and seems quite upset inaide.

Social services could help you with this

TheSecretMrsFairbrother · 07/05/2017 21:02

Thank you Astro.

Astro55 · 07/05/2017 23:25

Kids nicking chocolate? bloody hell mine would be lifers by now!! DD1 would be a serial offender!!

Bring back hanging!

kali110 · 08/05/2017 03:08

I think the op has actually had very nice responses compared to what she could have had, especially in aibu. My response is the same.
It's never nice hearing difficult things op, however it does sounds like your kids are out if control.
I don't think your mother is wrong.
You've tried, they don't listen to you so you need to get some help.
One is already stealing and hitting you where will this lead?
they are both going to end up with no qualifications, not something you want?
As for you getting your money back you may have to report it as a crime or the bank may not even refund you. If your son knew your details/had your card and you don't report it they could just say you gave him the card.
You should listen to your dm here, you do need help.
I'm not totally clued up on pda, but if you believe that your one son does have that can you go back to your gp with him?
Do you have any support in real life for you too as all this can't be easy.

Trifleorbust · 08/05/2017 06:17

PDA is a 'proposed condition' on the autistic spectrum, characterised by the person who, supposedly, has it, not complying with any normal demands, i.e. from parents, authority figures. But they seem comfortable socially, manage imaginative play etc. Meltdowns abound, apparently.

The issue is that is isn't a recognised condition in the U.K. It is a theory.

Nokia3310 · 08/05/2017 06:57

I think you need to contact the school to find out if there is a Family Support Worker who can work with you and your family. I recognise that you're wanting people to tell you that your mum is being OTT, but the majority of people are telling you otherwise. The Family Support Worker should be able to give you details about parenting courses. It is your responsibility to ensure that your children go to school, and I would be concerned about your child hitting you. It shows a complete lack of respect towards you. Is their dad on the scene? Have they ever witnessed their dad treating you with such lack of respect?
Loads of love to you. Please please look for the support that you need and don't accept their behaviour.

wonderingsoul · 08/05/2017 14:19

Astro

It starts somewhere. Hes gone through my bag in the hunt for it. Its a habbit he has formed. Imo he has no problem taking whats not hes.. at the moment its chicolate hes taking but it can change as he gets older..to object or money

Iv spoken calmy to him. Iv taken things away from him, iv shouted at him. I am running out of things to get theough to him that it is stealing weather it be a penny sweet or a car. If you think im being ott by taking him to speack to a police ofcier to see what happens to people that steal then im ok with being ott, and trying to help my son get morals and before something happens that i cant protect him from.

Lemonylemon · 08/05/2017 14:51

Wonderingsoul:

Had the same thing with my DS. Truancy, smoking, temper like nothing else, stealing my credit card and paying for his X-box with it. I ended up having to cancel my card and get the bank to put a bar on the payee.

By the age of 17, DS decided that he could do exactly as he wanted. His smoking escalated to taking drugs. I don't know what they were, but he came and told me after a particularly bad trip. He stopped it there and then.

He wouldn't do anything round the house either. If asked to tidy up after himself, he wouldn't and would leave the house before I got home from work. After quite a few instances of this and as many warnings, I threw his clothes out into the front garden. I also locked the front door on him. (I did let him in after a while). He used to be stopped by the police on numerous occasions.

Those years were a complete nightmare and soul destroying. He's now nearly 20 and has turned himself around. He now talks to me, we're affectionate and doesn't scarper before I get home. They do come back, slowly but surely.

Darbs76 · 08/05/2017 19:34

My son is nearly 13 and if he refused to go to school I'd physically take him. I'd be absolutely furious if he used my card without permission. You either need to get tougher or do what your mum said (or mother in law can't remember). It's unacceptable behaviour

Staypuff · 08/05/2017 22:57

If your mother's parenting scared you enough to be affected still now then it stands to reason you would be wary of her input. It also makes sense that you would go so far in the more passive parenting direction to avoid being like her and scaring your dc.

In doing so though youve gone far too far. Your dc need help and so do you. It can't be a nice atmosphere for any of you and violence can and will escalate.

Crumbs1 · 08/05/2017 23:19

Sounds like you've copped out of accepting responsibility for your children. Where's their father in the picture?
You definitely need to up your parenting instead of saying there's nothing you can do. As teenagers the compliance is built on relationships not force and you need to make sure they understand who is in charge.

Have a meeting with school and ask for referral to SSD for parenting advice.
Lock your purse away.
Stop providing anything except bare essentials until they tow the line. No spending money at all for the 16 year old. He needs to get a job if he isn't in school.
Walk your 13 year old to school and reward attendance. Get him a mentor at school
You need to speak to CAB about debt management. If bailiffs arrive and make a 13 year old homeless there will definitely be SSD involvement.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 08/05/2017 23:24

Contact an ESW at your LEA in regards to school attendance.

The steeling and hitting should be reported to the police

Squishedstrawberry4 · 08/05/2017 23:26

Darbs how do you physically take a child? A 16 year old young man? Do you really think it's a good idea to physically force someone to do what you want?

Beerwench · 09/05/2017 00:30

"My son is nearly 13 and if he refused to go to school I'd physically take him"

Not always possible Darbs, at 14 I was bigger and stronger than my mum (I'm female) and school refused due to bullying, I'd rather have listened to her yell all day than set foot in the school. And she physically couldn't move/drag me because she wasn't strong enough. She tried, and I just went rag doll and refused to move, never hurt her you understand. Not acceptable I obviously realise now but I imagine OP to be in a similar situation.

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2017 00:38

No-one can physically take a teenager anywhere they are completely unwilling to go, any more than they could take an adult.

Unless of course you're advocating using violent force Darbs76? In which case, you'd find yourself in a whole heap of different trouble.

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