DM thinks I should ring SS and Police

[RachelRagged]

Good Afternoon AIBU (I don't think so but open to be shown I am).

DM and me have a on off realtionship , I love her but she is very much I am right" of manner and attitude and it rubs me the wrong way, it always has .

My 2 youngest DCs are both DSs aged 16 and 13. They ARE a handfull, this is true , but there are reasons for this . Youngest has taken my debit card and spent on it online (I will get this back from the bank I hope) and of course its been found out . He is also a school refuser , though school do not seem overly bothered as never contact me (I keep in touch via an email). I also have depression

DM reckons I should call the SS about the school refusal (I think they are overstretched myself) and police about stealing from the debit card . I do not ... so we just had a to do on the phone .

What would YOU do please .. ?

TIA

Another one here saying YABU.
MiL is right, your son needs to take responsibility for his actions and so do you OP

I'm probably going to be flamed but I'm going to say it anyway; your child(ren) are growing up to be violent, theiving and uneducated. Their next stop will be prison/detention centre and from there, most likely lost into an immoral existence. you are excusing and allowing their behaviour. What do you think YOU should do?

In my experience a reduced timetable is the alternative to exclusion. The school will be seeking options to keep him on roll but to minimise the impact of his presence on the school community. Harsh to say, but when students can't follow rules they aren't left with many choices.

I wouldn't go to the police (not this time - I would be making it clear that if either of them steal your card again or assault you again then you will be straight down there)

Don't use this unless you are absolutely determined to do it -

I doubt you follow through with threats so they ignore you

I think some people are very quick to criticise without actually thinking through the logistics of OP's situation. It's very easy to say "make him go to school" but how does she do that in reality? That's what she needs help with and clear suggestions, not just criticism. One of my brothers was over 6ft and built like a rugby player at 13. He was a good lad, but if he had refused to get out of bed then my mum would not have been able to physically force him to school.

Ultimately, OP, since he is a child it is your responsibility to ensure he receives an education. I think that if you have exhausted all the normal methods of discipline (grounding, removing privileges etc) and there is no improvement, you need to look at more drastic measures. Maybe your mum is right and it's time to involve an outside agency. You are not coping. As a family, things are not working. These are critical years for your children in terms of their education and the type of adults that they are forming into. You cannot afford to coast through and ignore the problems. I'm not trying to be harsh, just truthful. Your DC feel that it's OK to physically hurt you. Do you want them to be the kind of men who hit their wives? If not, you need to turn things around sharpish. And that means accessing some help. Talking to school would be a good start. But not via email. I think you need to set up a proper meeting with the head.

PDA, or any other diagnosis, isn't a licence for bad behaviour. It also isn't an excuse for not parenting. Most parents of children with ASD diagnoses have to parent three times as hard, not just give up.

Why have you let him get to 16 before you've decided to tackle this? He's not going to suddenly decide to do as he is told just because your mum thinks he should.

Your friend wasn't "driven off" here. She was given helpful, kind, useful advice about the same situations time and time again. It was totally up to her whether she took that advice or not, but people were understandably frustrated when they invested time and emotions into her and she didn't want to change anything. Don't use that as a reason to start having a go at people who are trying to help.

If you post your situation on here, then you obviously want help and advice. If you don't, why post? People want to help if you let them, but if you just get defensive and spit the dummy it's a bit pointless.

At my DC's school, all school refusal kids are put on reduced timetables, as a way of encouraging them into school and helping them cope.

It can mean the difference between a child not turning up at all, and just turning up for a few hours.

What about that whole horrific situation that you've described do you think you're managing adequately and don't need help with?
It's actually beyond belief that you think your mum is over reacting...

Ugh. There's some awful stuff in this thread. If it turns out to be PDA, then increasing discipline won't help. If you suspect an ASD, you should get a referral and get him assessed. Where you go from there depends on the answer you get, but I would think about reading up on and trying some techniques for dealing with PDA in the meantime.

The bank won't give you your money back unless you report the theft to the police I'm afraid.

Im in agreement with your DM and think the police sounds a good idea I'm afraid. Your DC needs to learn he can't keep doing what he wants without any serious consequences.

But isn't it the 16yo with possible PDA but the 13yo refusing school, taking the debit card etc?

Just wanted to add - I know someone who is an incredible mother, and has a teenage child with possible ASD. Child was never diagnosed as a child, because it wasn't spotted back then, and refuses to go for a diagnosis as a teenager. Behaviour can be horrific. My friend is hanging on by her finger nails to get through it - trying to both protect and make her child aware that actions have consequences. It's a very difficult situation to be dealing with, and I think people are giving you a hard time without knowing all the facts.

Think OP may have flounced

OP you sound completely worn down.

It sounds like you're out of the energy required to deal with this (understandably) so I think your DM is not BU to suggest outside agencies.

Areyoufree if people don't want to be given a hard time due to others "not knowing the facts", maybe they should present the relevant facts in their initial post. It would save confusion don't you think?

You sound like you can't cope and need help and your mother is right in that respect

I really wish people wouldn't encourage the OP to put her faith in a possible condition to explain her 16 year old's behaviour. It's probably too late for him at 16. She may still have a chance with the younger boy. But she needs to be honest and accept her own role in this, and reach out for support urgently.

Op, AIBU is not the right board to post this on. You seem unwilling to accept honest responses to your situation, and AIBU will get the toughest and most honest answers. I recommend posting in 'relationships'.

I don't think that stealing your debit card and using it counts as "demand avoidance".

Your children are stealing from you, hitting you and not going to school.

How much worse does it have to get before you get yourself some help?

OP, it's not easy trying to deal with someone else's issues when you've got what appear to you, much larger ones to contend with - debt and fear of bailiffs and their actions. You say you're numb, I get that, having to deal with the worry and stress of debt, and 2 teenagers behaving the way they are sounds like your emotions have shut down for a while.
I mean this in the kindest way I can, but even though it's understandable, it's not right. Some, all or none of this may be your fault but it is your responsibility to deal with it.
Deal with it in order of priority. I would personally say you are not coping due to the stress you are under and need help picking through this mess.
Regarding your debts and bailiffs see CAB or there are several sites online that can help you sort this out properly.
I would also self refer to SS and did this in the midst of depression years ago. They are stretched yes, but they'd much rather get involved at this stage, before things get to the point where they are having to attend in an emergency.
Report the theft and assault to the police, if you can do so without pressing charges - speak to an officer and see if there's a way that you can have this on record, to be taken into account in future should he do this type of thing again, so your DS learns that there are consequences. Seems as an outsider that your youngest is emulating your eldest as there weren't any or many consequences for the older lad skipping school and so now he feels like he can do the same - could this be true?
Finally is anyone there for you OP? Is the DC father or family members involved at all? To take some of the strain? SS whilst having my DC interests at centre also supported me, which at the time was invaluable.
Good luck OP

Your mother is right.
You are minimising the issues.
These kids are on a scary path and you need help to change the direction they go in.

Is their father around at all?

If your kids had a bit of fear of you (also known as respect) then they would be much less likely to treat you the way they do.

You say you were scared of your mother.. so I'm guessing you wouldn't have behaved the way your sons are doing towards you..

I think it's too late now though, you have allowed this to happen.

Op- I think I would report the assault to the police do as they can have a word with your son.
You don't have to take it any gurgled than that hopefully the police will maybe frighten him enough to stop him doing it again.
Is there anyone at school you can speak to?
Maybe ask to speak to someone who can implement the reduced timetable again. I think it's important for your don to want to go to school and if this means he starts and finishes school early then so be it.
Also please see your gp regarding your depression.

Op, if you are still reading, reporting this behaviour to the police may actually get you the help you need. Just a thought

Op, AIBU is not the right board to post this on. You seem unwilling to accept honest responses to your situation, and AIBU will get the toughest and most honest answers. I recommend posting in 'relationships'.
Agreed.

Though actually lots of us are saying the same thing not to have a go but because we know that taking appropriate steps will allow the OP to get the help she and her family deserve.
Even if posted on relationships, I know my response would be the same.