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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out someone I'm due to 'work' with tomorrow has a rape conviction

248 replies

UrsulaPandress · 06/05/2017 22:47

I am scheduled to help out at an event tomorrow and I found out today that one of the organisers was jailed for rape a few years ago.

I am so not sure how to react. I don't know him well, but he has pissed me off on the odd occasion I have met him so I was not looking forward to spending the day with him, but this revelation has left me reeling.

I am not aware that I have ever met a bona fide offender before so I am searching my soul to see if I believe that someone should be presumed to have served their sentence and allowed to get on with their life. Or should I spit in his coffee every opportunity I get?

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:24

You are twisting my words, borne out of reading testimony from many rape survivors and a friend who has suffered sexual abuse, and making it about a poster who I never even referenced in my post. Very unfair and intended to guilt trip me.

GreatFuckability · 07/05/2017 01:41

sigh Of course some people feel the way you describe. but you lumping all people who've been raped into this homogeneous blob of 'victims' is patronising.
It's not about intending to guilt trip you, but to make you see that life is not as simple as you think. that whilst in an ideal world lots ofthings would be different, but that simply isn't the real world. and that is not minimising, or defending rapists, but being a realist and working with what we have.

Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 02:05

I would just get on with it. Civil but not friendly. He has served his time.

JoyceDivision · 07/05/2017 02:11

Order! Order! Order in the court!

JoyceDivision · 07/05/2017 02:16

Op, can I ask: is it the issue / principle of working with a convicted offender that is bothering you, or is it that the person concerned is going to be working in an event that his conviction may be relevant? (Eg, a corporate volunteering day shifting fly tipping versus a volunteering event for Women's Refuge) ?

LittlePaintBox · 07/05/2017 02:29

I've worked in a prison with a sex offenders' wing, and most sex offenders don't get any form of rehabilitation because they're not willing to accept the extent of their offence, which is a precondition for most courses. So you can't assume a sex offender comes out of prison a reformed character. He should be on the sex offenders' register and under some kind of supervision on release. So he will provably have had to run this event past someone to check that he's not a danger to anyone.

However, this man has served the time for his crime, so it is not reasonable to take upon yourself further punitive actions. If it makes you that uneasy, cry off the event, otherwise keep your distance from him if you don't feel comfortable being around him.

Original poster
UrsulaPandress · 07/05/2017 06:55

Gosh. I went to bed. Didn't sleep much though because as usual MN gives me so much to think about.

I was told by a good a friend who knows the man but only saw him recently and realised it was him.

Not that it should make a difference, but he was convicted of raping his wife.

Lol at those who said hold your horses Wink

I've decided to go and do my helping bit today. The forecast is fine and if I swop days it will probably be pissing down. I don't for one minute think I'm in any danger.

Sorry if this thread has been triggering for anyone.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 07/05/2017 07:52

Difficult situation

I am wondering what sort of club though most voluntary organisations have strict background checks when working with vulnerable people so I trust this isn't

I would just keep my distance and have as little to do with him as possible

Rehabilitation is difficult to accept in such cases he has served his prison sentence does he get another chance difficult questions and to be taken case by case but your situation I can understand why this is upsetting

We have all likely to come across ex offenders of violent and something violent sexual and we might have actually thought they have been nice people

KungFuEric · 07/05/2017 07:52

I'd want the organisers to know about it, and to know that it makes other people uncomfortable and not want to be at the events. Let them decide if they want to pander to convicted rapists.

FlossyMooToo · 07/05/2017 07:54

Blimey!!!

Great Flowers

NoLove you need to grow up.

Original poster
UrsulaPandress · 07/05/2017 07:54

It's just a hobby club. No background checks. All volunteers. No 'vulnerable' people as such.

Right. I'll get me boots on and get going.

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 07/05/2017 07:58

It is entirely rational not to wish to volunteer at an event alongside a convicted rapist.

What about all the non convicted (or indeed convicted) sex offenders you stand next to in the supermarket? or on a train? The ones no one gossiped about?

Odd random fact, roughly 8% of the population has apparently 'killed' someone else - that's one in 12 people have a death on their conscience. Quite a high number isn't it - murder, manslaughter, medical mishap, reckless driving, armed services - how some of you leave the house without sheets of bubble wrap is beyond me. you must find the world a terrifying place.

There are also at any given time, between 8 and 10 serial killers on the loose in the UK.

rizlett · 07/05/2017 08:00

scoobydoo is exactly right.

how do you know this is the truth?

and/or if he actually did it?

and what about all the other people in the world we meet that may or may not have done awful things.

if you are a genuine person - just go and treat him the same way you would treat anyone else.

Xmasbaby11 · 07/05/2017 08:03

Where's that 8% figure from?

larrygrylls · 07/05/2017 08:14

I think some people have a funny idea about what crime is. All crime harms people and affects their lives, otherwise it would not be a crime. We live in a society where, at least in theory, they serve their time (which sadly is all about punishment and very little about rehabilitation) and their debt to society is expunged. I think that this is a really important principle and one of the bases of civilised society.

Judging by this thread, most would favour either capital punishment or banishment for rape.

Also, the idea that rape victims suffer for life suggest that it is in some way a unique crime. All crime violates individuals and, of course, all violent crimes (including rape) are the worst. Would you say the same of ABH for instance? Even burglaryvictims claim that the invasion of their space can be traumatic and can (in some instances) lead to ptsd.

Would people really favour capital punishment or permanent ostracism for rapists? Do you not believe in even a chance at people changing or redemption?

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larrygrylls · 07/05/2017 08:16

Of course, no one has to work with anyone on a voluntary basis and, OP, if you feel uncomfortable doing so, just pull out. Totally understandable.

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rizlett · 07/05/2017 08:25

Don't grow up until you have to nolove - and although I felt your opinions were rather fixed you did make me smile when you agreed a little with your 'opponents'.

I was a little worried that your strong views might have been because it was you that had experienced some abuse rather than your friend - but that's just imo.

Apologies for the hijack too OP.
Please let us know how it went.

AntiGrinch · 07/05/2017 08:32

This is an emotional matter, not a moral one. You can reasonably decide you don't want to be near him, knowing what he did, and withdraw. On th other hand, if you don't feel that bad about it, you can still work with him and not in any way condone what he did or become friends with him.

There is no point in everyone shouting at everyone who sees it differently - seeing it differently doesn't make you blind to ethics in some way. He's a known rapist. Being near him doesn't make you in some way complicit. Choosing not to be near him might be something you personally have to do.

Of course we are all surrounded by rapists all the time. Thinking about that is very uncomfortable but it is true. There has been research done on how men respond to questions about coercing sex. Basically while they are much shier of the word "rape" than they are of admitting - under certain circumstances - that they have coerced sex.

Emotionally, knowing a particular person definitely did something is a different matter though. the OP has a right to her personal emotional response and it isn't something that has a right or wrong answer.

cordeliavorkosigan · 07/05/2017 08:32

Let us know how it goes!

RestingBitch · 07/05/2017 08:52

Unless you know the circumstances of what happened, It's hard to say if you would be in a dangerous situation. Having said that I'm not sure I would be 100% comfortable with being on my own with him.

If you don't feel comfortable and it's not something you have to do, I would send a message to the organiser and just state you are feeling unwell. No need to go into his criminal past unless your likely to keep getting paired with him.