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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out someone I'm due to 'work' with tomorrow has a rape conviction

248 replies

UrsulaPandress · 06/05/2017 22:47

I am scheduled to help out at an event tomorrow and I found out today that one of the organisers was jailed for rape a few years ago.

I am so not sure how to react. I don't know him well, but he has pissed me off on the odd occasion I have met him so I was not looking forward to spending the day with him, but this revelation has left me reeling.

I am not aware that I have ever met a bona fide offender before so I am searching my soul to see if I believe that someone should be presumed to have served their sentence and allowed to get on with their life. Or should I spit in his coffee every opportunity I get?

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 07/05/2017 01:08

random, no matter what the crime I would still expect her to behave professionally or not turn up at all.

Yes, rape is a horrible crime, it should never happen but it does. We have a system where our prison system works towards rehabilitation, we can't expect our prisoners to be rehabilitated and then stop them from earning a living on their release. (Apart from the jobs they are quite correctly stopped from doing by the DBS scheme). We can't afford to keep them in prison indefinitely and we can't afford to pay them benefits because they aren't allowed to work for the rest of their lives.

stitchglitched · 07/05/2017 01:09

Yep, a convicted thief is a thief. A convicted rapist though? Calm down, you don't know all the facts.

NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:09

Well convicted rapists deserve to feel like shit and unwelcome at events and in society in general. So many rapists have cheerleaders defending and making excuses for them, sadly often other women. No wonder so many victims don't get justice. Even the ones that do then see their convicted attackers excused and defended.

Exactly. Even on the rare occasions rapists actually go to court and get convicted, people still minimise and make excuses for them.

Meanwhile the victim has their life ruined. That's the life sentence.

someonestolemynick · 07/05/2017 01:10

In the nicest possible way, NoLove if your intention is to work in law you will need to let go of a lot of that anger and emotion.

There is no place for jerking knees in law and rehabilitation for almost all criminals (including rapists and murderers) is, apart from being the humane thing, an economic necessity: Do you think it's free to imprison someone for life. Apart from food and wages for prison guards there are things like utilities, medical care, furnishing and education to consider (www.fpe.org.uk/the-cost-of-prisons/ ).
So whether you like it or not people will be released from prison and having a second chance at life (including employnent) makes them less likely to re-offend.

GreatFuckability · 07/05/2017 01:10

delete I can only speak for myself, but I would always ask where the OP got their information from on a person having committed a crime before believing it to be true. I know how stories and chinese whispers can change stories among people. My querying of the info has nothing to do with the type of crime.I know all to well how hard it is to be taken seriously as a person who's been raped. Im not doubting the OP believes it to be true. and if the source of the information is solid, i'm not doubting that he did it either. Im just wary of taking gossip as gospel.
However, I take your point that we should take the OP at her word, and my advice remains the same.

NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:10

Uh no, they don't generally "sympathise with the accused".

Why do so many defence barristers spend so much time in rape trials waxing lyrical about what nice chaps the accused are then?

SarahBeeney · 07/05/2017 01:10

So you'll have to not go and help out or just try to avoid this man as much as possible?
I worked at a maximum security prison once doing some education workshops. All the inmates were murderers/rapists. We were asked if we would work with the Vulnerable Prisoners,for example paedophiles/child killers etc. I said no.

SuperBeagle · 07/05/2017 01:12

Uh no, they don't generally "sympathise with the accused".

Welcome to literally all forms of criminal trials ever. It's not exclusive to rape.

NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:12

In the nicest possible way, NoLove if your intention is to work in law you will need to let go of a lot of that anger and emotion.

I do understand what you mean here. I agree, it's something I either need to get over or think of another career path as I do get too easily upset particularly about violence against women.

NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:13

Welcome to literally all forms of criminal trials ever. It's not exclusive to rape.

I hope you don't patronise the judges and juries as much as you do me Grin

GreatFuckability · 07/05/2017 01:14

I also resent the implication that my life is ruined because I was raped, by the way nolove. My life is great, thanks. It's not ruined. I am not a victim. THAT'S patronising.

NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:14

I didn't say yours was. Many are. I resent that you say because yours wasn't others aren't.

SuperBeagle · 07/05/2017 01:14

I hope you don't patronise the judges and juries as much as you do me

I hope you learn to accept being patronised and criticised if you want to last in law.

NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:16

"“My life has changed now. It’s affected me, my family, my health. I’m coming to terms with it, with wondering why me? I’m not going to be able to answer that.“I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I worry a lot now, I’ve very nervous about situations. I’m now very shy around people I don’t know. I was shy when I was younger but I managed to get over that and this has brought it all back home.

“A couple of weeks ago I felt like I couldn’t cope any more. Everyone in my life has been affected, even though it happened to me.

“The emotional effects on my mum where she started to suffer badly with anxiety and depression. She doesn’t really sleep or eat.

“My relationship with my dad is now also very strained. We rarely speak now and he has been very distant from me. I think he is struggling to come to terms with what happened. Not only my life has been ruined but those of my entire family.

NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:17

I hope you learn to accept being patronised and criticised if you want to last in law.

I might not even get into it in the first place. We'll see.

RestlessTraveller · 07/05/2017 01:17

Umm, that's not what GreatFuckability said though NoLoveofMine

NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:19

Sorry?

RestlessTraveller · 07/05/2017 01:19

NoLoveofMine what you are doing is exactly what you have accused GreatFuckability of doing. Applying one persons experience to everyone.

NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:20

No, that's one of many. I have read and heard so many experiences - including that of a friend - which are likewise.

RestlessTraveller · 07/05/2017 01:20

Many are. I resent that you say because yours wasn't others aren't.

She didn't say others aren't p.

NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:21

I never said hers was.

NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:22

I said "they ruin lives". "They" being rapists. They do.

RestlessTraveller · 07/05/2017 01:22

But still not everybody's. Please don't negate her experience of rape because it doesn't fit with other people's.

NoLoveofMine · 07/05/2017 01:23

I never even mentioned anyone specifically, this is quite passive aggressive.

RestlessTraveller · 07/05/2017 01:23

Oh dear god. I give up. Night night.