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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend just confessed he loves me. AIBU to NOT tell my boyfriend?

166 replies

ReasonablyIntelligent · 06/05/2017 22:44

Brief history: I've known Best Friend for years and it was one of those wonderful moments when you meet a stranger and you're like "Oh, there you are!" If there were such a thing as soulmates, he would be mine/I would be his. We have a really great friendship and will always be there for one another. I've never really thought about him in a romantic way, despite the compatibility and the fact he looks like a God and have always supported him with his relationships.

I've been with my boyfriend for a few months and he's brilliant. I have a lot of fun with him and, after two very serious long term relationships, I'm taking a step back and enjoying dating someone and trying hard not to overthink everything. an extreme personal flaw

Boyfriend and Best Friend have met, got on okay but don't really have much in common so didn't really click.

Best Friend and I went out for a meal tonight, as we do fairly frequently and mid conversation he kind of blurts out that he loves me. Says he has never felt like this before and wants "that other guy" to fall flat. (very unlike him as he's usually very kind).

Firstly, I have no idea what to do with this new information but I've been wondering if I should tell Boy Friend?

Boy Friend has tried hard to be comfortable with my Best Friend being male, and believes my assurances that there's nothing going on. But he can be fairly insecure and I know that he's quite jealous of Best Friend anyway - they work in the industry but Best Friend is much much higher up, which I think smarts as they're the same age.

I know that if I tell him what Best Friend has said, he'll be forever second guessing my friendship with him.
AIBU to keep this one under my hat?

If the situation were reversed I think I'd want to remain ignorant...

(I hope all that makes sense! It's been a long day!)

OP posts:
RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 07/05/2017 12:38

Regardless of how things may go with the BF, I'd get rid of the boyfriend. He does indeed sound a bit of a muppet.

Goingtobeawesome · 07/05/2017 12:41

Me too I think but either way it doesn't sound like you like your boyfriend much, or respect him, no matter how much you type you love him very much.

user1488756360 · 07/05/2017 12:43

Hypothetical speaking, if your best friend didn't exist, do you feel your relationship with your boyfriend is long term/could be with him forever? You said you've had issues in the past with moving too fast so are taking it slow this time. The issue with traveling to pick him up etc is something that can be resolved easily enough if you were to stay together long term. All that aside, how do you feel about him?

Forgetting you have a boyfriend, is there any potential chemistry between you and your best friend or is it completely platonic in your eyes? I have male friends that I have never even considered in a romantic light but then there are some where I think yeah if the situation was different I could see something more happening.

Hissy · 07/05/2017 12:44

Op, I agree with those who say to delete the boyfriend, be alone and see where it goes with best friend

onemorecakeplease · 07/05/2017 12:49

Bestie. Give it a go, imagine if in a few years you start to feel the same and he's already gone and got married to someone else.
Go for it!

ItsNachoCheese · 07/05/2017 12:51

If i were you id ditch the bf and see what happens. Everything happens for a reason as they say

Nicemil1 · 07/05/2017 12:53

I would shag them both Wink

candlelit35 · 07/05/2017 13:04

Team Bestie.

mayoli · 07/05/2017 13:15

Also Team Bestie!

Silvercatowner · 07/05/2017 13:21

I was in a not dissimilar situation 32 years ago. Me and 'best friend' have just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.

toomanyloos · 07/05/2017 13:26

Relationships that are based on friendship first do pretty well in the long run, as after the whole lust infatuation period wears off you have a solid friendship to fall back on.

Eebahgum · 07/05/2017 13:41

Team bestie. Some of the most blissfully perfect couples I know started off as best friends.

Valentine2 · 07/05/2017 13:46

Sorry but if he is a good man, as you have said before, I would always prefer going out with your best friend. Any number of boy friends can't make up for a friendship. It's impossible to stay in love forever and that's where friendship saves you. Good luck.

PNGirl · 07/05/2017 14:05

I think the fact that you use "wonderful moment" to describe meeting friend and "fab" and "brilliant" for your boyfriend speaks volumes. "Fab" is how I describe my (female) best friend.

MrsJamesMathews · 07/05/2017 14:15

You're boyfriend is a pratt! Do not lose this chance with your sex-God soul mate for that muppet!!

I sincerely hope you're in bed with bff right now!!

MrsJamesMathews · 07/05/2017 14:16

Your Blush

pringlecat · 07/05/2017 14:22

If you tell your boyfriend that your best friend has hit on you, your boyfriend won't feel comfortable with you spending time with him anymore. Which I think is not an unfair reaction. Do you need to tell him? If you're not going to act on it, I don't think so.

If you definitely want to get together with your best friend, you have to end things with your boyfriend. Apart from anything else, your best friend has been cheated on. When the dust settles, how insecure do you think he's going to be if you're together and the way you ended up together was by you cheating on someone? It will rear up later and be all kinds of awful.

If you're only thinking about getting together with your best friend and aren't quite sure, something isn't right in your relationship with your boyfriend and you need to stop and examine that first. Is your relationship salvageable? Do you want to save it? Is this confusion a wake up call to fix things with your boyfriend or a wake up call that you've wanted an out now for a while?

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 07/05/2017 14:25

Unless your boyfriend is a one-man lady-pleasing orgasm factory I'm struggling to see what you are getting out of the relationship. You sound more like his Mum than his girlfriend. Taxi service - check! Pocket money/bank - check! Provider of hot meals - check! If he wasn't still living at home, I bet you'd be doing his laundry and buying his clothes too. You sound like a 'mum with benefits' (icky as that sounds).

Humm1ngb1rd · 07/05/2017 14:29

I'm joining team bff now I've heard more about bf Grin

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 07/05/2017 14:29

PS do you a co-dependency pattern in your relationships? I second what others have said about a period of being single, with some introspection and possibly counselling for good measure.

FrogsLegs31 · 07/05/2017 14:43

Flip a coin. One side is the rest of your life with BF the other with BFF.
You'll know what you really want immediately (which might be neither!)

carjacker1985 · 07/05/2017 14:57

BF sounds like a waste of space, sorry. I'm sure he's lovely, but you can definitely do better!

I hope since you last posted that you've ditched him and are now snogging your kind, smitten BFF who came over to cook you breakfast Wink

Original poster
ReasonablyIntelligent · 07/05/2017 15:04

You sound like a 'mum with benefits'

This was my role with ex, in retrospect.
I automatically go into Mum Mode (with everyone, not just in relationships) and I don't really know how to change that, as its a core personality trait.

BF is now coming over via bus he managed to miss the earlier bus so is now late. I'm going to do some serious thinking, to the person that suggested counselling - I'm already in the process of getting that sorted because of my anxiety disorder and all the crap from ex.

I'm such a catch, right? Blush

I was so hungry this morning that I was tempted to marry BFF just for bringing me breakfast!

OP posts:
niangua · 07/05/2017 15:09

I don't like the boyfriend anyway - if he's going to be all jealous and insecure of your friend, he isn't worth your time and energy. He's only going to get worse. And no, don't tell him what your friend said, he doesn't want or need to know.

Why did Best Friend take so long to make a move? That's weird. Is he just 'settling' because time's bobbing on? Not massively keen on his reluctance to pursue you until now.

ohfourfoxache · 07/05/2017 15:11

Well, someone obviously thinks you're a catch Wink

Perhaps it's time to consider a relationship where there is mutual looking after.

And I wonder why BF missed the bus - do you think he was trying to persuade you to pick him up.....?

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