Best friend just confessed he loves me. AIBU to NOT tell my boyfriend?

[ReasonablyIntelligent]

Brief history: I've known Best Friend for years and it was one of those wonderful moments when you meet a stranger and you're like "Oh, there you are!" If there were such a thing as soulmates, he would be mine/I would be his. We have a really great friendship and will always be there for one another. I've never really thought about him in a romantic way, despite the compatibility and the fact he looks like a God and have always supported him with his relationships.

I've been with my boyfriend for a few months and he's brilliant. I have a lot of fun with him and, after two very serious long term relationships, I'm taking a step back and enjoying dating someone and trying hard not to overthink everything. an extreme personal flaw

Boyfriend and Best Friend have met, got on okay but don't really have much in common so didn't really click.

Best Friend and I went out for a meal tonight, as we do fairly frequently and mid conversation he kind of blurts out that he loves me. Says he has never felt like this before and wants "that other guy" to fall flat. (very unlike him as he's usually very kind).

Firstly, I have no idea what to do with this new information but I've been wondering if I should tell Boy Friend?

Boy Friend has tried hard to be comfortable with my Best Friend being male, and believes my assurances that there's nothing going on. But he can be fairly insecure and I know that he's quite jealous of Best Friend anyway - they work in the industry but Best Friend is much much higher up, which I think smarts as they're the same age.

I know that if I tell him what Best Friend has said, he'll be forever second guessing my friendship with him.
AIBU to keep this one under my hat?

If the situation were reversed I think I'd want to remain ignorant...

(I hope all that makes sense! It's been a long day!)

On a scale of 1-10 how heart broken would you be if your friendship had to end? (Because keeping him as a friend knowing he loves with you isn't fair)

Apply that same question to your boyfriend.

Which scenario makes you feel physically sick and your heart skip with fear?

Agree you def need top talk more to your friend. Why now?
As for your boyfriend you say you tend to rush in to things, and already after a few months you love him very much. Do you really or is this just your script for relationships? He's already insecure and jealous.

You also said that you're much smarter than friend and often have to explain things to him yet he's doing much better in the same job as your bf.
Bf and BFF don't have much in common yet you and BFF clearly do so do you have much in common with bf?
You agree you have a type, so is bf your perfect man or is he the type of guyyou date and then get hurt by?

I'd have a really good think about whether a relationship could work between you and your best friend.

Sounds like you and bff might balance each other well. Dump jealous bf and give it a try with bff. The friendship won't ever be the same again so might as well see if it can morph into more.

Massive cliche warning:

This is a decision only you can make.

It's not like you can tally up the 'team best frienders' vs 'team boyfrienders' on mn and make your decision that way.

Do you know deep down who you would choose?

Of course it could be that neither of these men is right for you.

Or you best friend could just be trying to have sex with you.

(Just playing devil's advocate)

I had a relationship with my best (male) friend years ago. We'd been so close as friends for 5 years, but never single At the same time. As friends it was amazing, we had the same sense of humour and would be able to crack each other up. As a relationship, it was awful. People are very different as a boyfriend than they are As a friend. I soon saw a completely different side of him. The relationship lasted a year and the friendship died with it. I thought I knew him inside out, had seen him in other relationships and couldn't see a problem before. But it was a nightmare and I really regret ever taking that step and losing him as a friend.

I would be reconsidering your relationship with your best friend! Sounds like you are perfect for each other!

If there is the slightest chance you're feelings for him could turn romantic I would be very tempted to go for it!

I find it really odd when people say it's not fair to keep the friendship when one party is in love with the other. It totally devalues the status of friendship which is wrong. It's akin to the whole friendzoned crap. Why should the party with platonic feelings lose a friend because the other has unrequited feelings? Why can't the in love friend be happy with friendship. Friendship isn't second best, it's just different.

Op As for telling the boyfriend, what would you do if he starts making demands that you end contact with the friend?

Something similar happened to me a long time ago. After a drunken night at my house, a group of my friends were saying saying goodbye when my best friend hugged and whispered in my ear that he loved me. My (then) boyfriend was standing right next to me! I did love him back but what could have I have done? I couldn't do anything in front of boyfriend without hurting him and then had no idea how to approach the subject without the massive quantities of alcohol involved in the night in question.

Best friend never said anything about it ever again, so we just pretended it never happened - which might as well have been the case. I never told boyfriend, or anyone before now. We are still friends and we're both married to other people these days (his wife is gorgeous and lovely) and, while I love my DH very very much, till the day I die I will wonder what could've been. One of my unresolved issues life's crossroads, I suppose.

I don't regret the choice I made but I don't think there's a right or wrong decision necessarily (as long as you're fair and honest with both men), just different directions which your life might take. I wouldn't tell the boyfriend if you choose to stay with him though. Good luck with your decisions

(And sorry for the very long post, your OP brought me back some memories... )

OP... I haven't read all the messages because I'm a bit tipsy here

But what you've written could be my life. I have had a best friend for 10 years now. He is my absolute soulmate and from day one we just clicked and I felt like I could trust him. There is nobody else in the world that I feel closer to.

But I've had boyfriends! Two semi serious - (3 year & 5 year) in the time that I've known him. I'm still with the second.

I actually slept with my friend once when I was single between these boyfriends. It was more curiosity than anything and on my part there's no feelings. Well there are some, just not the right ones. I guess you know what I mean by this (it makes no logical sense not to fancy him)

In a way I wish I could fancy him because he's gorgeous (and a total catch) but I've honestly never felt like that towards him. It sounds awful but about 6-7 years ago he told me that he loved me.. and I kind of ignored it It's awful I know!!

Anyway we carried on as normal and it's never been mentioned since. Our relationship has never faltered and we're still very close.

What I will say is that he is still the most precious person in my life. I've left one boyfriend and am on the verge of splitting with another at the moment. My friend has been the one consistent person throughout everything.

I made the mistake of telling my current boyfriend my history with my friend. I honestly wish that I'd never had told him. It has caused nothing but issues with the boyfriend. There have been many times when it's been used against me in arguments, when I've wanted to see him etc.

I'd say (will probably get slated for this!) just keep it between you and your friend and don't put pressure on your relationship. Especially as it's so new.

Not to be pessimistic but it's your friend that will still be around if things go wrong with your boyfriend so keep him close by! I honestly think it's rare to find a friend that good.

Just to counterbalance WildBelle's post, which is obviously entirely valid. I was in a similar situation many years ago, and had a relationship with a very good male friend. There was some some very difficult things going on in my life at the time, and we were younger (your kind of age) and didn't manage to find our way through it. We split up after about a year but without any animosity, and close to 20 years later he remains my best friend.
Starting a relationship with him doesn't necessarily have to mean you lose him completely if it doesn't work out. But if you don't try, you'll never know.

Why You Cannot Truly Love The Person You Are Afraid To Lose
Show your true feelings without fear and see wherever this leads

I think it's a bit unfair to call your boyfriend insecure about your friendship. My best friend is male so I understand opposite sex friendships but I would not describe us as 'soulmates' or him with the body of a god. And I'd be heartbroken if my boyfriend described any of his friends the same way, I imagine your boyfriend is picking up on your feelings. You obviously fancy this guy and it doesn't sound like a genuine friendship to me. It already sounds like an emotional affair. Do your boyfriend a favour and break up with him till you resolve your feelings.

I've just realised my last sentence made it sound like you should ask your boyfriend to wait around for you , obviously don't do that .

sometimes we don't really have a decision to make - we can just wait and see what happens and a situation will just resolve itself.

I think its unfair to tell your BF - unless you want to really rock the boat and/or test his security levels - or you want the choice to be made for you.

In complete contrast - I heard that tossing a coin is often a good way of finding out what you really want because if it comes out 'heads' and you really wanted whatever 'tails' was - then you convince yourself to do 'best of three'.

OK, try to be 100 % honest with yourself here - how would you feel if instead of saying he was in love with you, he had told you that he had met someone who was the love of his life, and she was uncomfortable with the friendship, and so you would need to see much less of each other?

Would you be pleased for him and wish him well, or would you be gutted?

Maybe he can't keep a steady gf because they can tell he's in love with someone else. People usually know on some level when they're in a dead-end relationship.

I was going to ask you if you could expand on what you said about your BF being insecure & jealous, as that could be an early indicator that he's controlling, will want to start limiting how much time you spend with friends and sees your BFF as a significant 'threat' to be eliminated. However, a PP made the point above, which could be equally valid.

I have been with my "very good male friend" for over 20 years and we have 2 children. Having gone through the babies/small children phase & come out the other side, there's a lot to be said for a strong friendship at the core of a relationship. We are different too, but complement one another well.

Another thing I wanted to pick up on: you say your BFF is "practical", implying he's not much of a thinker, and yet you say he is more senior than your BF in the same industry. He is clearly bright enough to have progressed his career quickly. Intelligence expresses itself in different ways - and 'book smart' has its limitations.

Perhaps the kindest thing to do would be to tell boyfriend that , lovely as he is, you're not really ready to embark on a full blown relationship after being poorly treated in your last relationship. You do sound like your feelings are pretty scrambled, and that you need a bit of space from everyone to think things through.

Another case for why it's difficult in my opinion for guys and girls to be close friends as in just one guy and girl.

I think it would be difficult for them interns of other relationships and partners may get jealous.

I am sure someone will come on here and slate me but it's just a opinion based on the fact that I too realised I had feelings for a close guy friend and it really messed up our friendship.

Found myself in exactly the same circumstance. I was divorced though and started dating and he blurted it out in a sort of 'I might not get another chance' moment. Kept it to myself for a week as never viewed him like that but decided to give it a go.

We have been together 9 years now

Hope it works out for you!

I agree with another poster about taking your time to think about it and tread v carefully. It's a long time to be mates and not be aware of any chemistry whether your in a relationship or not.
My dh and I were friends for a couple of years before we got together, both of us in and out of relationships. The chemistry and attraction was always there though. I felt like we were soul mates and in the end it just couldn't be helped that we got together if you know what I mean? Its a bit cheesy but it was like we had no choice the feelings were so powerful.
Could it be your friend that is jealous of your bf, finds himself single and is getting possessive? He sounds so lovely. It seems strange it hasn't happened if it was meant to years ago?

I also think it's a bit unfair that people are slating your boyfriend for being jealous. Your gf is best mates with a lovely bloke she views as a soul mate that looks like a god.....blimey I think most of us would be a bit insecure about that. It would hardly make them controlling

Firstly, how did you leave it with best friend?

Secondly, I think the friendship is over now anyway. You can't continue. It's the inappropriate elephant in the room.

So, I'd shag him!

Break up with boyfriend and see if things work out with best friend. If they don't and the friendship is lost, well it's kind of lost anyway since he said that and moved the goalposts.

And tbh, if boyfriend was the love of your life, you'd have said so by now!

What did you say to his declaration of love?!

You're already keeping secrets from your boyfriend so you can spend time being inappropriately close to your best friend. You're basically dating him already. I don't know why you seem to think you can't ditch your boyfriend unless he does something wrong or there's some kind of trigger event - you're not putting him first, your first priority and loyalty is to your best friend / soulmate / adonis. Just stop wasting his time, ditch and get with the best friend.