Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Best friend just confessed he loves me. AIBU to NOT tell my boyfriend?

166 replies

ReasonablyIntelligent · 06/05/2017 22:44

Brief history: I've known Best Friend for years and it was one of those wonderful moments when you meet a stranger and you're like "Oh, there you are!" If there were such a thing as soulmates, he would be mine/I would be his. We have a really great friendship and will always be there for one another. I've never really thought about him in a romantic way, despite the compatibility and the fact he looks like a God and have always supported him with his relationships.

I've been with my boyfriend for a few months and he's brilliant. I have a lot of fun with him and, after two very serious long term relationships, I'm taking a step back and enjoying dating someone and trying hard not to overthink everything. an extreme personal flaw

Boyfriend and Best Friend have met, got on okay but don't really have much in common so didn't really click.

Best Friend and I went out for a meal tonight, as we do fairly frequently and mid conversation he kind of blurts out that he loves me. Says he has never felt like this before and wants "that other guy" to fall flat. (very unlike him as he's usually very kind).

Firstly, I have no idea what to do with this new information but I've been wondering if I should tell Boy Friend?

Boy Friend has tried hard to be comfortable with my Best Friend being male, and believes my assurances that there's nothing going on. But he can be fairly insecure and I know that he's quite jealous of Best Friend anyway - they work in the industry but Best Friend is much much higher up, which I think smarts as they're the same age.

I know that if I tell him what Best Friend has said, he'll be forever second guessing my friendship with him.
AIBU to keep this one under my hat?

If the situation were reversed I think I'd want to remain ignorant...

(I hope all that makes sense! It's been a long day!)

OP posts:

RainyDayBear · 07/05/2017 09:55

DP and I were friends for ten years before we finally had a bit of a lightbulb moment and suddenly saw each other very happily. Four years on we have a toddler and are very happy! So I am completely biased but I reckon unless you think your current boyfriend is the one you should see if your friendship could be more. It can't go back to how it was now, and I reckon you'd always wonder...

RainyDayBear · 07/05/2017 09:56

*Differently, not happily! Apologies, need a second coffee this morning!

Emboo19 · 07/05/2017 10:00

Op, I had similar only to complicate matters my best friend was my boyfriend's brother.

He didn't exactly give a declaration of love, more a passive aggressive comment obviously aimed at me, then he walked off. He was drunk and our whole friendship group were very shocked.

I followed him and asked why he hasn't said anything. Both me and my boyfriend had spoken to him before going out and he'd said he was fine with it.
He said, because it wouldn't make a difference.
And I couldn't say a thing, as he was completely right. If I had to choose it wouldn't be him and we both knew it.

I'd only been with my boyfriend a few months at this point, we hadn't even slept together.
The feelings are completely different though and I think you must know on some level if it's the same for you or not.

When I think back to high school, now I think it was so obvious how he felt. I just didn't see it or didn't want to!
He didn't have much luck with girlfriends either, and I think as someone else put, it was probably that they knew he wasn't really into them.

We are still friends, not as close as we once were. He's my daughters uncle now though and I think that drastically changed how he felt about me.

I never told my boyfriend exactly what was said, but I told him something had been said. They spoke but neither has told me what was said between them.

Original poster

ReasonablyIntelligent · 07/05/2017 11:38

Hi, thanks for all the messages, there's been some really helpful points. Best Friend has come over this morning and I thought I'd type a quick update as he's just run out to get breakfast.

The one point that I didn't agree with with a PP on here is:
You're already keeping secrets from your boyfriend so you can spend time being inappropriately close to your best friend. I felt this was unfair. I have never lied to my boyfriend about anything, including best friend - he always knows where I am and who I'm seeing. That's why I asked whether I should keep best friends feelings a secret.

I asked best friend this morning why he's suddenly started feeling like this and he told me he always had, but we'd always been with other people. I pointed out that I'm with someone now and he said: "Yeah, but admit it he's a prat."

I got defensive at that point and said that boyfriend is lovely and we nearly got into an argument but then my stomach started making whale noises which somewhat broke the tension so he insisted on going out and getting us breakfast. So now I'm just even more confused and bloody hungry

The thing is, today is the worst day for it as I'm feeling pretty cross with boyfriend at the moment so I'm probably really biased.
whispers boyfriend kind of can be a bit of a muppet. He's the same age as best friend but still lives with his parents and doesn't drive, which means he can only stay around my house and I end up driving to pick him and up bring him back, which is an easy hours round trip for me. He also only works his proper job part time, as he owns a shop which he works on full time (in the process of closing down) and he never ever has money, which is obviously not a problem but I find myself paying for everything, but as ex scampered off with all my money - I've not got any spare either. Anyway, boyfriend messaged me this morning clearly wanting to meet up and I think expecting me to go and pick him up, but my work week has been 80 hours + and I spent 8 hours driving yesterday to make a delivery, I'm not sure I can face another hour and a half in a car...
Anyway, sorry, that was an irrelevant rant.

In summary; I have no idea what to say to best friend when he gets back!

OP posts:

MommaGee · 07/05/2017 11:43

Its interesting he's never said anything before but clearly senses this guy is a muppet.

I know its wrong but I'd kiss him. See what happens.

Emboo19 · 07/05/2017 11:43

Honestly Op, for a few months in, things with your boyfriend don't sound great. I wonder if you'd benefit from being single for a while and having time to really think about what you want.

MommaGee · 07/05/2017 11:45

Also why does he have no money? His working, doesn't drive and lives with his parents. Why can't he catch a bus to you? What are good actual redeeming features?

Original poster

ReasonablyIntelligent · 07/05/2017 11:49

Emboo19 I'm not disagreeing with you but could you elabourate on that?

MommaGee I'm not 100% sure why he has no money, he jokes that he spends it at the pub with his mates. I'm not sure why he can't catch the bus actually, he has done once before - the bus trip is the same length as the car journey two ways, and is slightly less than petrol costs. So it would take him an hour on the bus, or me an hour to drive there and back.

OP posts:

PeaFaceMcgee · 07/05/2017 11:51

Yeah - he's a muppet.

MommaGee · 07/05/2017 11:52

I'dcdefinately expect him to be doing the bus journey at least a third of the time (last nights, weekends obviously harder) and I'd expect equal on spends. So either pay your own way or you buy cinema tickets, he buys popcorn etc. Watch out for him wanting to move in and not contribute! Even with out body of a sex god soulmate who loves you I'd be questioning what you get from bf

BaDumShh · 07/05/2017 11:53

I've got to be honest OP, even removing the issue of the best friend, the boyfriend sounds like a bit of a pisstaker - expecting you to taxi him around and pay for everything? If you set kind of arrangement up as the norm early on in the relationship, this will continue. He's taking the piss out of you.

Etymology23 · 07/05/2017 11:53

Seconding MommaGee - he doesn't sound promising from what you've said so far...

BaDumShh · 07/05/2017 11:53

Typos and bad grammar galore there, apologies!

Emboo19 · 07/05/2017 11:58

On the things not sounding great? Has others have said....I'd be expecting far more effort for this early on. Plus the fact you felt the need to so quickly defend him to your 'friend' that strikes me as you knowing he's right about him!!

MadMags · 07/05/2017 12:00

God, you're boyfriend is a dick. Get rid! Regardless of best friend!

MommaGee · 07/05/2017 12:01

OP how old are you all?

MommaGee · 07/05/2017 12:04

And its telling that you haunt just shot this down with BFF
When in the early days of my relationship with DH I had two good male friends. If one had declared love I'd have nicely told him no. If the other had, I'd be in your position. Even though nothing had ever happened I knew that there were feelings which eventually left when I fell in love with DH

How long were you single before bf?
Ask BFF what he wants to happen now

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 07/05/2017 12:04

Your boyfriend sounds a bit immature and not very considerate. If he knows you had such a busy week and lots of driving, he should be suggesting he comes over by bus and treats you to a nice meal, or a walk, planning something he knows you enjoy. To be fair, he also sounds v busy, but he doesn't seem to care much about how you feel :-/

Original poster

ReasonablyIntelligent · 07/05/2017 12:13

I'm 25, best friend and boyfriend are 28.

At the moment I'm pretty cross about the driving thing, which probably isn't fair as he was at work all day yesterday and then had a late night - realistically it wouldn't be too much trouble to go and get him. No idea how to bring up that I'm not happy about being a taxi without being aggressive though.

However I've just been presented with full English, so I shouldn't spend my morning whining!

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 07/05/2017 12:15

Sorry but boyfriend sounds like a bit of a waste of time. He does sound like a muppet and a bit of a man child.

I know my opinion counts for nothing but I'm Team Best Friend

SuperFlyHigh · 07/05/2017 12:23

I'd go for it with Best Friend to be honest. Boyfriend doesn't really sound like he's got his shit together all round.

Just be wary of the fact that Best Friend having been cheated on before a few times may mean he has trust issues, maybe you want to explore that first. Why did they cheat etc?

MadMags · 07/05/2017 12:30

Team Bestie here too!

Emboo19 · 07/05/2017 12:31

I'm feeling very sorry for your friend Op.
It seems he's watched you make mistakes with your ex and he's watching it again with this guy.
He's told you how he feels, you must know if there absolutely no chance at all and if that's the case you need to tell him now.
If you have any romantic feelings for him, I can't understand why you wouldn't give it a shot!

McDougal · 07/05/2017 12:34

Your best friend sounds like a grown up version of your boyfriend!

Team bestie here too.

ohfourfoxache · 07/05/2017 12:38

He sounds very immature for 28.....the boyfriend, that is

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7