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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend just confessed he loves me. AIBU to NOT tell my boyfriend?

166 replies

ReasonablyIntelligent · 06/05/2017 22:44

Brief history: I've known Best Friend for years and it was one of those wonderful moments when you meet a stranger and you're like "Oh, there you are!" If there were such a thing as soulmates, he would be mine/I would be his. We have a really great friendship and will always be there for one another. I've never really thought about him in a romantic way, despite the compatibility and the fact he looks like a God and have always supported him with his relationships.

I've been with my boyfriend for a few months and he's brilliant. I have a lot of fun with him and, after two very serious long term relationships, I'm taking a step back and enjoying dating someone and trying hard not to overthink everything. an extreme personal flaw

Boyfriend and Best Friend have met, got on okay but don't really have much in common so didn't really click.

Best Friend and I went out for a meal tonight, as we do fairly frequently and mid conversation he kind of blurts out that he loves me. Says he has never felt like this before and wants "that other guy" to fall flat. (very unlike him as he's usually very kind).

Firstly, I have no idea what to do with this new information but I've been wondering if I should tell Boy Friend?

Boy Friend has tried hard to be comfortable with my Best Friend being male, and believes my assurances that there's nothing going on. But he can be fairly insecure and I know that he's quite jealous of Best Friend anyway - they work in the industry but Best Friend is much much higher up, which I think smarts as they're the same age.

I know that if I tell him what Best Friend has said, he'll be forever second guessing my friendship with him.
AIBU to keep this one under my hat?

If the situation were reversed I think I'd want to remain ignorant...

(I hope all that makes sense! It's been a long day!)

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 06/05/2017 23:09

Have you ever kissed your best friend or came close?

It sounds like you should just get together. Relationships with other people are unlikely to work for either of you. Shit or get off the pot, as it were.

Fruitcorner123 · 06/05/2017 23:10

Lots of the best couples have differences. Do you really think your differences make you incompatible despite the soul mate and deja-vu thing?

Ask yourself how you would feel if you turned him down and he happened to meet someone next week and they fell in love and married really quickly and your chance was gone forever? ( I know I may be getting a bit overinvested and it's real life not chick lit but it could happen!)

JessieLightyear · 06/05/2017 23:12

Shag him.

I shagged my best friend. We're married with a toddler and one on the way now.

Dozer · 06/05/2017 23:13

Is your friend decent to and about women?

Beeziekn33ze · 06/05/2017 23:14

Jessie - you could have a point there!

Original poster
ReasonablyIntelligent · 06/05/2017 23:14

Some sound advice coming out now Grin
I'm not going to shag him, certainly not whilst i'm in a relationship with someone else.

We've never kissed, no. I'm a pretty prude/reserved person anyway, so not really had amble opportunity.

I can't explain the difference thing adequately, I guess if you were to write us down - you wouldn't put us together. If you were to see us together, you would, but the facts don't make sense.
And probably neither does that sentence... I know what I mean!

OP posts:
StripeyZazie · 06/05/2017 23:14

Go on, give it a go with best friend. You know you want to.

JustKeepDancing · 06/05/2017 23:16

I've been in a similar situation - and I didn't tell him. It would have made it very, very difficult to continue the friendship in the early stages of the relationship with my boyfriend. I knew it wouldn't work with my friend at that point, so I chose to continue down the path I'd started.

Unless you choose to act on the information, tread carefully.

Original poster
ReasonablyIntelligent · 06/05/2017 23:17

Dozer Yes! One day he is going to make someone so happy. He is a complete gent in his relationships, I've never known someone treat their partners so well. Problem is he doesn't seem to attract the genuine types, so many women have treated him appallingly. His last three (!!!) girlfriends have cheated on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReasonablyIntelligent · 06/05/2017 23:18

JustKeepDancing This is the thing, I know that I would be really uncomfortable if my boyfriend had a female friend he was close to who had proclaimed her love for him.
In fact, that very thing happened in my last relationship, and I felt jealous and insecure, and guilty for feeling so.

OP posts:
positivity123 · 06/05/2017 23:19

I'm going against the grain here but I think that you should keep your friend as a friend. If there was chemistry you would have already got together but you haven't and I think sometime you need tension and differences in a relationship to make it work.

Don't tell your DP about it and see how it goes with him.

Kirstyless · 06/05/2017 23:21

I've picked up on the point of "why didn't he make his move when you were single?" The person that posted that has got a point, but I guess if he was in a relationship then, that was probably his reasoning.

It's a really difficult situation to be in. I definitely wouldn't tell your boyfriend, if he's insecure, then it's just going to make it worse and it'll probably end up causing problems between you.

Sometimes I think it's hard to see what's right in front of you. Maybe there's a reason both of you have failing relationships? Maybe it's because you should be together.

I think I'm just wanting it to be like a love story and you find love with your best mate who is your soul mate haha.

Just take your time to think about things and decide what you want. You may realise you want him when it's too late.

Butterymuffin · 06/05/2017 23:22

Don't tell your boyfriend. That's just not fair and will put him and your relationship constantly on edge. Think it over carefully yourself and decide whether you are ruling out any interest in your friend or not. If not, then end it with your boyfriend and give it a proper try.

isupposeitsverynice · 06/05/2017 23:24

Are you going to wonder now about you and soulmate-sexgod-bff and whether you can make it work? Because if you are then it's going to cause problems and you may as well just have a go and see what happens. I agree with the poster who said if you don't want to pursue a relationship you may need to back off and give him space to get over it. At which point it shouldn't be a problem to tell your boyfriend your friend confessed his feelings so you're cooling the friendship, surely?

JustKeepDancing · 06/05/2017 23:26

That insecurity you describe is exactly why I didn't mention it - I didn't think it was worth the hassle for either of us once I'd made that decision. I suppose the difference is that I'd made the decision first and you sound a little more unsure...

emesis · 06/05/2017 23:29

I think this is too complicated.

It's not really fair on your best friend to stay so close to him if you don't have feelings. You'll also jeopardise all his future relationships.

But on the other hand, it sounds like it might be worth giving the best friend a go at a relationship...

How serious do you think current boyfriend is?

What are the things that make you feel too different to be compatible?

Original poster
ReasonablyIntelligent · 06/05/2017 23:29

I'm a tad unsure, if I'm being brutally honest with myself.
But I need to work out if I could share those feelings or if I'm just flattered. (That makes me sound like a massive bitch).
Also, my relationship with my boyfriend is otherwise brilliant - I feel so disloyal.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReasonablyIntelligent · 06/05/2017 23:34

emesis

I'm really not going to be painting myself in a good light here...again.

What are the things that make you feel too different to be compatible?
The biggest thing that stands out to me is that I'm more academically inclined, so I occasionally find myself having to repeat or explain myself. I've only ever dated bookwormy, academic types - Best friend is far far more practical (not at all a bad thing) and very sporty. But then these differences haven't stopped us being close as friends.

I guess, without sounding like a completely snob and a bitch, I had pigeon holed my relationships into a "type".

I'm aware of how awful I sound right now!

OP posts:
reetgood · 06/05/2017 23:40

I have been with my 'friend' 8 years, we bought a house a couple of years ago, recently found out I'm pregnant. We went through 10 years of being in long term relationships, then were ahem 'friends' for about a year before we admitted we were in a relationship. He didn't want to risk our friendship, I needed to see him as the man he was rather than the boy I met. I've always wanted to be next to him, it just took me 10 years to come round to the idea. Even when we were getting together I was a bit 'it's HIM? The guy I've known since I was 17?'. Apparently so. It was an excellent decision. I think you should end with boyfriend and start working out being with your friend.

StripeyZazie · 06/05/2017 23:41

Maybe he can't keep a steady gf because they can tell he's in love with someone else. People usually know on some level when they're in a dead-end relationship.

reetgood · 06/05/2017 23:41

Oh, and I'm the same. Boyfriend does not over analyse things. It's great. I dated someone more similar to me once, it was really annoying.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/05/2017 23:42

He doesnt sound that wonderful tbh.

You are happy and in love and he tries to queer that and not in a nice way. He blurts it out in a very needy and nasty way (wants the other guy to fall flat?!). You say he treats his GFs well but are you sure? He sounds quite needy and childish and perhaps they didnt cheat on him at all but that was his perception when they got fed up of him being demanding.

Some people go at relationships like a bull at a gate and then get all confused and hurt when it doesnt work out. Sounds like he could be one of them.

My point is that a friend who genuinely cares about you wouldnt behave as he has.

fannydaggerz · 06/05/2017 23:44

I think you're in love with your best friend.

JaneEyre70 · 06/05/2017 23:45

I think you need to talk more about this with your friend. How long he's felt like this, what can he see happening between you both? You said he doesn't normally attract genuine women....a male friend of mine was attracted like a bloody homing pigeon to very needy screwed up drama queens, and just when you thought he couldn't find anyone worse, he'd find a new barrel to scrape. If you aren't his usual type, ask him why he suddenly is drawn to you after all this time.
I would take your time to think carefully about all of this, and I wouldn't tell your boyfriend as he will demand to know what you are going to do and make any future contact nearly impossible.
If you do decide to stick with your boyfriend, just be really gentle with your friend and try to keep the friendship going. It would be a shame to lose something so special over this.

Flightywoman · 06/05/2017 23:53

If you told your boyfriend and he asked you to choose what would you do? Would you be able to not see your best friend again but have the boyfriend? Vice versa?

(Leaving aside the trust issues and wrongness of one adult telling another what to do of course!)

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