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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline this very kind offer

176 replies

TeamB1 · 06/05/2017 08:28

I work for an educational charity and we have our training tomorrow. As I drive, they asked if I wouldn't mind car sharing with another staff member as there are no practical train routes at the right time. I agreed and it's all set.
It's 115 miles each way.
I regularly drive on a roads for work but this will be my first long distance motorway drive and I'll have to come there and back in a day.

I'm not thrilled at the prospect but certain that with lots of sensible breaks, I'll be fine.

DH is worried about it as I am quite an inexperienced driver. He has offered to drive us there and back. Its very kind but I have declined. I feel a bit babied.

He really does mean it and says he can explore the town and take his computer and do some work.
AIBU?

OP posts:
AlpacaLypse · 06/05/2017 09:55

I would definitely take DH as a passenger for the morning journey. If you finish the course still feeling fresh you can hone your long distance skills on the way back. If you're tired and frazzled, you can snuggle down in the back of the car all the way home.

jellyfrizz · 06/05/2017 09:56

You get on to motorway, and then to sit on it until you exit. I find it a great deal easier than driving in urban areas.

I find this too. Generally no stopping and starting, just foot down and straight on (unless M25, in which case lots of stopping and starting!).

DJBaggySmalls · 06/05/2017 09:58

The driving test and lessons dont include motorway driving, Instructors recommend you have some specific lessons on motorway driving. Can you do that?

TinfoilHattie · 06/05/2017 09:59

Terrifies me that people who are so nervous about driving and need "lots of breaks" on a short journey are on the roads. Anything ovr 3 hours yes maybe a break for a wee or a coffee, 115 miles on motorways is well under 2 hours. Especially on a Sunday morning - you couldn't get a quieter time.

Sounds though that the OP's husband is not helping matters - he should be telling her to pull on her big girl pants and bloody well get on with it.

TatianaLarina · 06/05/2017 09:59

I meant to say in post it seems sensible for you to drive there and your husband to drive back if you've found the driving + training knackering.

Hulder · 06/05/2017 10:00

Motorway on a Sunday? Will be easier than urban driving. 2 hours - 1 stop, max.

Also easier for you to do it without your husband there to make you nervous. At some point you have to do your first motorway drive and this sounds perfect.

Clawhammer · 06/05/2017 10:00

If it were just the driving or just the course then I'd decline and pull up my big girl knickers. But you'll be knackered after the first drive and the training, and you'll be crashing after all the adrenaline. Having passengers added to my stress hugely when I was a new driver, though you may feel differently.

I think you should take him up on the offer, but drive the first hour or so yourself for the practice. Don't forget he'll get 4 hours of your fabulous company rather than not seeing you all day, and he'll prob get a nice lunch and mooch about. It's not all sacrifice for him!

Zarah123 · 06/05/2017 10:03

Terrifies me that people who are so nervous about driving and need "lots of breaks" on a short journey are on the road

I think it's the inexperienced drivers who think they're F1 drivers that are more scary.

I regularly make 5 hour journeys now with one break, but I remember being an inexperienced 20yo driver. Some fear is good. It keeps you from making stupid mistakes and keeps you safe.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 06/05/2017 10:04

2 hours is not a long journey. Have you warned your colleague you're an inexperienced driver, because personally I would categorically not get in a car with someone who cannot cope with a two hour trip without lots of breaks.

Mamia15 · 06/05/2017 10:04

I would consider his offer - as an experienced motorway driver, it can be tiring - high speeds/extra concentration etc on top of a course. As a passenger I wouldn't want to be driven by a newbie on their first motorway drive - I would be crapping myself :/

Why not get some motorway practice beforehand - either with husband or with an instrcuctor?

TinfoilHattie · 06/05/2017 10:06

Some fear is fine - like other drivers I remember my first time on the M25/M4 intersection in rush hour and it really is a baptism of fire. But being so scared that you're thinking that needing "lots" of breaks on a 2 hour journey is sensible is worrying. Dithering, crawling along at 30mph on the inside lane and indecision is what causes accidents as much as speed and thinking you're Lewis Hamilton.

TinfoilHattie · 06/05/2017 10:08

Why not get some motorway practice beforehand - either with husband or with an instrcuctor?

Agree - couple of junctions down the motorway this afternoon/evening, turn round, come home. Would be tempted to suggest to OP she does this alone though. Not with husband who obviously thinks she's a rubbish driver.

alonsypot · 06/05/2017 10:11

Hah, do you remember the very first times you had to join motorways? (Was it really only me who found that nervewrecking at first?) Or deal with arsey drivers, or all the lorries around you? (Tip - when overtaking a lorry ALWAYS speed up to get past the wind drag).

There's just no sympathy on motorways for nervous drivers, it's why a lot of people avoid them. I go into autopilot and enjoy them now but back then it was a nightmare.

SnapJack68 · 06/05/2017 10:12

Does the passenger know the situation. . I wouldn't be comfortable as the passenger and I also wouldn't be comfortable as you driving a big drive for one of the first times and having a passenger for it.

I am a very experienced driver now but still hate having passengers I don't know well. They can be a massive distractiion snd do things that irritate you like fiddle with heating controls, turn up down radio, open a window which makes me feel lopsided and diorientated on the motor way. Also looking at their phone if dark... light is soo distracting. Or just yattering away or taking phone calls or watching youtube videos

Can tell then to stop but they may be a bit Hmm

Just a bit awkward and you have enough to worry about.

Accept DH offer . Get your driving confidence up when you don't hve a an unfamiliar passenger and the pressure of getting to a busy day and back

Do it when you can just chill at the destination! Meet a friend for lunch!

Frillyhorseyknickers · 06/05/2017 10:15

Hah, do you remember the very first times you had to join motorways? (Was it really only me who found that nervewrecking at first?)

Personally I have never felt motorways are "nerve wracking" and they are statistically the safest roads in our country. However, I don't think anyone who is that nervous should be driving on them, particularly with other passengers who may not be aware of their driving skills (or lack of).

Chottie · 06/05/2017 10:17

OP - I haven't read the whole thread through.

But to add my tuppence worth, I am over 50 and have several friends who will never drive on the motorway, or drive further than 20 miles and will only drive on roads they know.

Part of the reason is that their husband / partner always drives them.....

alonsypot · 06/05/2017 10:17

Joining. Joining them was nervewrecking! (For me) (I may well be a weirdo). Grin

Delatron · 06/05/2017 10:24

I agree with letting colleague know you are inexperienced. I wouldn't want to do someone's first long motorway drive as a passenger! It's also much harder having someone in the car with you and can add to nerves.

I think you may have to take DH up on his offer. You'll be exhausted after the training.

ChocChocPorridge · 06/05/2017 10:27

Joining. Joining them was nervewrecking! (For me) (I may well be a weirdo).

Yes, mind you, my first time joining a motorway was on a 125 motorbike that could only just get up to 70mph, so I spent most of my time in the slow lane sandwiched between lorries.

In comparison to that, doing them in a car was nothing Grin

JaneEyre70 · 06/05/2017 10:30

We've driven to London and back in a day for a concert. It took roughly 5 hours to get there due to traffic and 3 hours home. DH and I shared the driving; it was frankly exhausting and neither of us felt particularly safe on the last leg of the motorway. Given you are inexperienced, I'd let DH come as a passenger on the way there and then drive home. It's a long way and if you're tired after training, it could really affect your concentration.

LadyPW · 06/05/2017 10:30

And it did sound like that's a normal thing for you do, and not something you would do 'in an ideal world'. You backtracked.
Well I don't have colleagues and don't go on training courses so it's not something that I'm ever likely to need to consider. But it's an option for the OP and if I was in the OP's position it would be something that I'd consider as a possibility for coping.
I don't see why it's a 'dickish suggestion' - it may not be great but it is a possibility.

Speakeasy22 · 06/05/2017 10:32

I don't think it's a good idea to do your first motorway trip with a non driver. And I wouldn't be happy to be your passenger if you're nervous. Take your husband but you do the driving. He can help navigate if necessary and take over if you're tired.

Fragglez · 06/05/2017 10:34

How long is the training? If it is a full day i wouldn't be happy doing up and back on the same day and i am surprised that your organisation would let you - my employer certainly wouldn't unless the driving was shared.

Also do the charity insure you for using your car for their business? Your normal policy may not cover it, so it would be best to check.

I wouldn't want to do a first trip on a motorway with a passenger i don't know well and can't tell to shut up if im concentrating especially one who can't drive.

MuncheysMummy · 06/05/2017 10:36

OMG! It's 2 hours ish you will perhaps if being super cautious want to stop halfway for a quick drink and loo break that's it! Use crack on with it you're unwittingly making it into a big drama and performance it really doesn't need to be,I drive from the Fylde Coast to Cornwall without stopping no problem at all and that is 7 hours with traffic.

Seav · 06/05/2017 10:41

YANBU - continuing to not to do distance driving/drive to unknown places will only add to the anxiety. I'm pretty confident that you will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is, especially compared to urban driving.

I used to drive a fair amount pre-DC - would do 6 hr drives every 2-3 weeks and would also drive all across France quite happily (with a non-driving passenger).

A couple of years after having DC I realised that I had reduced my driving world down to the small town I live in and was becoming anxious about going to the next town along! Realising I was rapidly morphing into my MIL driving wise - I had to make a conscious effort to force myself back onto the wider road again. So, so pleased I did. Now back up to feeling confident (well I avoid the centre of cities...if possible but always did!) and will happily drive a motorhome long distances now.

I think Jane Eyre's suggestion of you driving there with your DH as a passenger and him driving back is a good idea - first step towards feeling more confident!