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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

EXH wants to talk to me but I don't want too.

147 replies

Idontwanthimhere · 05/05/2017 21:24

Namechanged because this has a lot of backstory which could be identifying.
EXH was an abusive arsehole who left me and our twin boys with nothing for his OW. He was barely in any contact, he never payed maintenance and the boys never saw him again. I remarried to DH and Ex gave up all his parental rights and let DH adopt the DCs.
The DCs are now 8 and they don't remember Ex and refer to DH as their dad.

Ex then contacted me a few months ago to tell me that he got a woman pregnant and now has a daughter. At the time I was heavily pregnant with DD so I didn't tell the boys straight away as they were only just coming to terms and getting excited for DD.

So I told the boys a few weeks after DD was born that Ex had a daughter. They were upset and confused that he had another family but didn't want to see them.

So to today, Ex got in contact with me again to say he wants to meet me to talk. He won't tell me why. He doesn't want the boys or DH to come. I don't want to meet him but I feel like I should hear him out in case it's important for the boys. I'm not sure what to do. My friend thinks I should go because ex has asked nicely and it might be important and I should just forget the past because ex has obviously moved on. DH really doesn't want me to go but he will support whatever decision I make.

So AIBU to not go or should I just go because it might be important for the boys.

OP posts:

Hissy · 12/05/2017 11:26

My ex is an abuser, I actually would not put this kind of crap past him.

abusers vary only slightly in tactics, depending on the chinks in our armour using only what works best against us to make us do what they want us to do.

He knows that seeing you will be uncomfortable, he knows that HE wants something that you won't want to do for him. Or if he is ill, he wants direct sympathy and attention. he wants to see you nervous, he wants to feel the power of summoning you and you trotting along to hear what he has to say... it's a power trip, I will stake my sausage sandwich on it (it's Friday, it's my weekly treat, I've really earned it, its the most precious thing in my possession atm) He needs to feel important. He wants and needs to be in someone's thoughts.

My DS dad only calls DS when HE needs some kind of there-there. It's never about DS - he doesn't even call on DS birthday, not unless it means HE gets the attention he needs - he's had a cold or whatever.

Trust me, you will get yourself all geared up to go there, you'll get there and he'll trot out some pile of crap and you will wonder wtf you wasted your time and energy over.

I have the inkling he's potentially demonstrating how he can still put you (and now your DH) 'in your place'

email him back, cancel the plans, no offer to reinstate them. If he says he has something to say, he can email it, otherwise, you really don't need to engage with him at all.

Even if he'd been dropped on his head, struck by lightning and had a visit from Marley's Ghost and was desperate to genuinely apologise and atone for his treatment of you, abandonment of the boys etc he would know and accept that he has absolutely no right or expectation that you will hear him.

My guess is that HE feels bad on some level - perhaps because the new wife/baby are making him look shit because he walked away from your DC, and probably knows that they are better off without him. Someone has said someting to him about his other kids or something has reminded him...

Or maybe he is bitter and resentful the fact that someone is doing a better job than him, and he wants to claim some kind of credit somehow.

It will be about him. You can be sure of this.

You owe him nothing in the way of courtesy or politeness, genuinely.

cestlavielife · 12/05/2017 13:03

it's a power thing be cause he knows what eh wants to say to you and you dont.
have had this at work it's really bad.
you get called to a "meeting now!" - and you dont know what you walking into...so you get caught on the hoof

so, agree you should cancel the meeting. you tell him that he tells you via email the agenda and what the issue is.

you then decide if and whether you need a face to face conversation about it.
maybe you do
maybe you dont.

take back control.
dont meet until you know what the subject and agenda is.

PollytheDolly · 12/05/2017 13:11

He abused you and abandoned his boys. If he was genuine he would tell you why he wants to meet. The fact he won't is him still trying to exercise some control over you. Fuck politeness and fuck his being nice now. Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck then when he gets there fuck off some more

This^

And this is why:

I don't know if he will talk to me if I bring DH but I don't want to not go and then it turns out it was something important for the boys. I'm worried its going to be an illness or something that I would need to know for the boys sake.

And this is how he makes you feel. Arse to him. I'd go and take my husband, the boys father. Don't let him in your head this way. If he's any kind of man, he will tell you with DH there, after all, anything to do with the boys is his business too.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/05/2017 13:17

Any update,OP?

flippinada · 12/05/2017 13:29

I haven't read every single post here but just wanted to reinforce that you should absolutely trust your instincts and do not meet with him.

No good will come of it and if it really is that important, there's no reason he can't tell you by email or over the phone.

It's just a way of trying to bring you back under his control - don't fall for it.

flippinada · 12/05/2017 13:31

Hissy is absolutely spot on.

ilovegin112 · 12/05/2017 13:32

If it's something to do the the boys health, it would be better face to face, there is nothing to say he's trying to control her, he's agreed to public place and with her dh being there. He's been in touch once to say about his daughter he's obviously causing problems week after week

flippinada · 12/05/2017 13:42

No, there's no reason for it to be face to face. None at all.

Email is the best way to communicate with people like this.

flippinada · 12/05/2017 13:48

I see you've responded to him OP. I notice though that you are already making concessions. You say email or meeting with your DH, he refuses and then graciously agrees to a meeting with your DH present. He's already manipulating things and you haven't even found out why he wants to meet you!

If you still haven't gone, it isn't too late to cancel.

cestlavielife · 12/05/2017 14:09

If it is about health then he should say so.
He should say " I need to talk to you about some medical.issues which might affect the dc "

He should tell.her the agenda.

Misstic · 12/05/2017 19:31

I think perhaps there is a lot of over thinking going on here.

Somethings are better discussed in person especially if it is an illness or something with serious implications for the children.

Unless you feel your life is in danger, just go along to see what he has to say. You are an adult and you are stronger now. I am sure you are in a good place where you can no longer be manipulated or controlled by him.

If all he has to say is a load of nonsense, just excuse yourself and leave. You have moved on with your life and there is no reason to continue to live in fear of this man.

flippinada · 12/05/2017 20:55

The relationship was abusive. That's why. Plus, if it's all above board, why the mystery?

The chances of the ex being a reformed character with genuine motives are slim to none, I'd say.

Misstic · 12/05/2017 20:58

Really? Why is he beyond redemption? But even if he is beyond redemption, the OP is not the same person she used to be when he was able to abuse her. She can handle any nonsense he may say. There is a real possibility that he does have something to say that's worth listening to.

Willyorwonte · 12/05/2017 21:05

Don't go alone. He's in no position to make demands on you. I would however go, for the children's sake, perhaps via a contact centre. At least you did all you could. Children want to know their birth parents at some point. Unless your ex is dangerous I don't think you deny them.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/05/2017 21:12

'Hi on second thought it would be useful if you could let us know what it the issue is in advance, we're all busy people so it's common sense to have some idea what this all about'

'No im not prepared to say I'll meet you both on the 15th'

'Ok. THought you might say that. Sorry but we've discussed more and we think it probably is better you just email when you're ready if it really is important. That way you can get across exactly what you need to say and we can then meet if we all feel we need to.'

blerp · 12/05/2017 21:24

Fucking wanker.

He has actually renounced his sons officially. I would be truthful with them but absolutely not feel obliged to meet or talk.

Unlike other situations with an absent parent, even one who is a terrible parent/person, I would not ever be tempted to candy coat this person 's behaviour, as children should be prepared for unhappy outcomes with such a person.

Starlight2345 · 12/05/2017 21:24

Yes the longer this goes on the less inclined I am to think it needs to be a meeting..

What heath implications do you need to know about his children.

Yes through pregnancy relevant.. However your children are healthy.. You can't trust what he says anyway.

There is nothing he need to tell you..The best thing he did by the sound of it is to cut himself out of his kids lives and let them have a decent dad.

And yes you absolutely can change your mind at any time.

I support the oh WE have considered it further and decided anything you need to say we want by email so we can consider ourselves and meet you if we feel necessary .. I can guarantee it will be nothing you need to meet him for..

For those who say you are in a different place. I remember meeting my abusive ex at mediation.. I was prior to arrival I am fine this is about my DS..Heard his voice heard myself crumble a little bit.

blerp · 12/05/2017 21:57

Send him an email, tell him if it involves a medical diagnosis of eg a terminal illness or anything that affects the children you would like to be told directly as you have no interest in a meeting. Any claim he makes after that, ask for independent verIfication from a lawyer/doctor etc. you can reach via a publicly searchable phone number.

Fuck him. Abusers are not worth your presence. They lie and lie and lie to get you back in their sick little world. Be appropriate to his nature and give him nothing.

flippinada · 12/05/2017 22:06

Misstic even if he has reformed, OP is not obliged to give him a chance. This is a man who happily signed his own children, by the way.

And I still don't see why some information is better delivered in person. There is nothing you can say face to face that you can't say in an email.

Misstic · 12/05/2017 22:22

Who said the OP is obliged to do anything? This is not about giving him a chance. A chance to do what? I don't get the sense that he wants another chance with the OP. These are two people who have moved on with their lives. Several years have passed. He wants to tell her something in person. Unless her life is in danger, I'm one of those who say, go see what he has to say. It may be important info for the OP. If it is nonsense, the OP can walk away. Her DH will be there.

flippinada · 12/05/2017 22:41

Yeah, OK.

Whatever you decide OP, stay safe and take care of yourself.

redshoeblueshoe · 12/05/2017 22:44

I have a relative with a hereditary life limiting condition.
This was not known until after the child was born.
For that reason alone I would go.
I totally agree that it was right to tell the DC about the other sibling.
I know a woman who has known that her DC's have several siblings that they don't know about. They all live in the same area. 2 of them look like twins (these 2 don't know about each other). These people are adults and I cannot imagine what will happen when it comes out, because it will.
Good luck OP

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