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AIBU?

EXH wants to talk to me but I don't want too.

147 replies

Idontwanthimhere · 05/05/2017 21:24

Namechanged because this has a lot of backstory which could be identifying.
EXH was an abusive arsehole who left me and our twin boys with nothing for his OW. He was barely in any contact, he never payed maintenance and the boys never saw him again. I remarried to DH and Ex gave up all his parental rights and let DH adopt the DCs.
The DCs are now 8 and they don't remember Ex and refer to DH as their dad.

Ex then contacted me a few months ago to tell me that he got a woman pregnant and now has a daughter. At the time I was heavily pregnant with DD so I didn't tell the boys straight away as they were only just coming to terms and getting excited for DD.

So I told the boys a few weeks after DD was born that Ex had a daughter. They were upset and confused that he had another family but didn't want to see them.

So to today, Ex got in contact with me again to say he wants to meet me to talk. He won't tell me why. He doesn't want the boys or DH to come. I don't want to meet him but I feel like I should hear him out in case it's important for the boys. I'm not sure what to do. My friend thinks I should go because ex has asked nicely and it might be important and I should just forget the past because ex has obviously moved on. DH really doesn't want me to go but he will support whatever decision I make.

So AIBU to not go or should I just go because it might be important for the boys.

OP posts:

Report

zigzagbetty · 11/05/2017 22:55

I would trust your gut instinct during the meeting and walk away if you need to,you owe him nothing and if it was important information about your boys surely he could find another way to tell you.

Italiangreyhound · 11/05/2017 23:46

Does he know where you live?

Just be careful about being followed home.

I'd probably go by public transport or park some where far away like a park and ride and go in by bus and make sure he doesn't follow you.

MadamePomfrey · 11/05/2017 23:52

Well done on standing firm and having your dh there for support!! agree with pp make sure you meet well away from the house and maybe stop off a few places in the way back so it's hard for him to follow you!

Catherinebee85 · 12/05/2017 00:03

No.no no

You're pandering to his demands.

Why did your poor children need to know he'd had a baby? In fact why did he feel the need to tell you he was having a baby? Tbh I don't think you should have responded when he told you at all.

Don't see him, exert some control over him for a change. If it's important he can write it down and email it to you. What good could possibly come from meeting him?

AcrossthePond55 · 12/05/2017 01:27

I'd be sure the public place is a 'public' public place. No quiet parks or tucked away squares. Best would be a restaurant or at a busy mall if there's one nearby.

Is he consenting to DH hearing what he has to say or just that DH can 'be there'? If the latter, it's silly really, as he should realize that you'll tell DH whatever he says.

MommaGee · 12/05/2017 01:50

Why did your poor children need to know he'd had a baby?
Because they deserve to know the truth told by the person they love the most not third hand 10 years down the line. This stuff never stays private.
Irrespective of the legal side of it, she's their sister

Lucked · 12/05/2017 02:03

I think the plan should be to listen only. No reaction. Do not be be made uncomfortable by pauses for reaction, do not fill them. Listen, nod and at the end non commital phrases. .. "that's a lot to take on" "we have a lot to think about" "we will discuss all this and get back to you"

AcrossthePond55 · 12/05/2017 03:00

^ What Lucked said. Don't be 'surprised' or coerced into making any decision, agree to any changes, or offer any help/support.

Hissy · 12/05/2017 07:54

I'd be inclined to "change your minds" or "something has come up"

He is playing you (and your dh) like instruments.

Cancel the meet. say that something has come up and you have to cancel. Leave it there, no offers to reschedule.

He is getting his kicks controlling you both.

The boys are not his anymore, he gave them up. You don't need any engagement with him ever again. He is not your problem.

You and your dc are no concern of his. Even if he's terminally ill, its up to you IF you want to be involved.

You owe him absolutely nothing.

He abused you and your family, he loses all rights to respect and concern.

Cut this prick loose once and for all. Let him tuck himself into the big ole bed he made for himself

Hissy · 12/05/2017 07:56

"I don't want to."

Then you don't have to.

It really IS that simple.

timeisnotaline · 12/05/2017 08:04

Weird people who think the op should keep secret from her children that they have a half sister. Good work op :)

toastyarmadillo · 12/05/2017 08:10

When are you meeting him?

AuntieStella · 12/05/2017 08:12

I think you do need to go. Just in case it is something medical, which could be relevant to all his biological DC.

As this is the sole contact since the adoption, and as he has (reluctantly) agreed that there can be a third party present, I don't see him as being unduly controlling. It's not as if he has been in touch over anything other than the really big issues in life (such as birth of a biological half-sibling, news of which is better communicated directly than find out from the grapevine)

user1493630944 · 12/05/2017 08:15

He has no right to any relationship with the DCs, he gave that up when they were adopted. DH is their father now. Personally I think a meeting is unwise, the fact that he initially refused just shows he still thinks he can make the decisions. Find an excuse (eg I've taken legal advice...) and cancel.

Pepperedpig · 12/05/2017 08:16

He's being a dick, he could have just told you by now if its that important.

user1493630944 · 12/05/2017 08:16

Hissy is absolutely right

expatinscotland · 12/05/2017 08:21

REally hope you didn't waste your time with him.

Lexieblue · 12/05/2017 08:24

Good luck OP

ItsNachoCheese · 12/05/2017 08:33

Good luck

QuiteLikely5 · 12/05/2017 08:37

Just no. Your children do not need this. If he had urgent health information then he can pass that on via telephone.

To all intents and purposes he is nothing to you or your sons.

It's an absolute insult to the man who adopted your children to go ahead and see him.

user1493630944 · 12/05/2017 08:41

I'm really surprised your DH is willing to go along with this. In his shoes I would be really upset that you even considered meeting ex. Quite is right.

SootSprite · 12/05/2017 08:41

The old MN classic of 'No is a complete sentence' springs to mind.

You don't want to meet him, you don't have to. Anything he has to say he can put into an email.

I guarantee no good will come from meeting him face to face.

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MommaGee · 12/05/2017 08:48

Tbh UP I can understand wanting to go. Is what to know what's made him crawl out of the woodwork. And taking DH I think is a sensible answer.
Maybe its a game - you'll know quick enough and can walk away. Maybe its something you need to hear which will affect your kids.

For those saying its disrespectful to your DH, how? This isn't about his parenting, it smisn't going to lead to the kids calling EXH Daddy and playing football in the park with him. She isn't doing it behind his back. And whilst DH may not want her to go he's prepares to support her

Newtothis2017 · 12/05/2017 09:05

Well done op. You did the right thing standing your ground. You also did the right thing telling your dc about the new baby. I think you sound like a fantastic mum who cares enough to have the hard conversations

Jupitar · 12/05/2017 09:18

I wouldn't go, tell him to email, or talk on the phone, if he refuses then it's obviously not that important. It might bug your curiosity for a while but you'll get over it.
I agree with you telling the children about their sister, honesty is always the best policy and avoids shocks at revelations at later dates.

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