EXH wants to talk to me but I don't want too.

[Idontwanthimhere]

Namechanged because this has a lot of backstory which could be identifying.
EXH was an abusive arsehole who left me and our twin boys with nothing for his OW. He was barely in any contact, he never payed maintenance and the boys never saw him again. I remarried to DH and Ex gave up all his parental rights and let DH adopt the DCs.
The DCs are now 8 and they don't remember Ex and refer to DH as their dad.

Ex then contacted me a few months ago to tell me that he got a woman pregnant and now has a daughter. At the time I was heavily pregnant with DD so I didn't tell the boys straight away as they were only just coming to terms and getting excited for DD.

So I told the boys a few weeks after DD was born that Ex had a daughter. They were upset and confused that he had another family but didn't want to see them.

So to today, Ex got in contact with me again to say he wants to meet me to talk. He won't tell me why. He doesn't want the boys or DH to come. I don't want to meet him but I feel like I should hear him out in case it's important for the boys. I'm not sure what to do. My friend thinks I should go because ex has asked nicely and it might be important and I should just forget the past because ex has obviously moved on. DH really doesn't want me to go but he will support whatever decision I make.

So AIBU to not go or should I just go because it might be important for the boys.

[Notmyrealname85]

Whoah lady!! You've done SO well at giving your boys and yourself a loving family! But... this ex is nobody to any of you, he's a nothing, and worse he could be harmful to the family you have. You cannot let the control he had over you pass over to your family You need a strategy for dealing with him ASAP.

A) Speak with OH about the response both of you will give. You're perfectly within your rights to remind ex that as OH is the father of those boys, and you assume ex's query is about the boys, any communication must include OH. This isn't your problem to face alone, they are both yours and DH's sons.

B) Ex needs to know bluntly there is NO ongoing relationship with him and your family. There is no open communication. Ex can't play coy with "we need to speak" ridiculousness out of the blue again. This is your family he's playing with. He needs to be put firmly in his place.

Set new protocol - any vital communication, he emails you and OH. No need for chats/meet-ups. He can provide plenty of information in an email.

I think he wants his daughter to have a relationship with your DSs. But... Your boys have a new addition to the family and are just getting to know all the joy a new sibling can bring. They don't need any other changes and already made their minds up about his other daughter. As young as the boys are, you all need to respect their decision and not entertain any ideas ex might have about meeting. Ex is likely a scummy dad and they don't need an insight into that, they already have a loving father.

Best of luck, and well done with all you've achieved so far

[Ratatatouille]

And if he has some hereditary illness that has only shown up in his newborn dd and you don't meet him to get that information - if he is decent he will send it to you by post, email or text.

But OP already knows he isn't decent. He's a grade A twat. My first thought was that he wanted to pass on information about a hereditary illness. But if he is an abusive arsehole then he might also take the opportunity to exercise some control over OP by demanding this meeting in person. If it were me, I'd rather ensure that I got all the information even if it meant having to meet up. I wouldn't play games by demanding a phone call or email if it could jeopardise getting hold of important information regarding my DC. If she goes to the meeting and it's about anything else, she can just say "sorry I thought it was going to be important about the boys, I'm not interested in this" and walk out.

[incywincybitofa]

If you feel you want to see him could you take someone other than your DH? He may have come into parenthood the second time around older wiser and perhaps kinder which might be leading to a massive feeling of wanting to make amends and wants to discuss with you a way to do that? I am not saying take him up on it, but whatever his reason if you feel the need to hear him out take a friend or relative and see whether it is worth it.

[Parker231]

Why would you consider seeing him.? It's not a part of your or your DC's life and no longer the father to your children. I would block his calls and get on with your life.

[HairyWorm]

I agree with Elspeth above.

He's pulling your strings and trying to assert control over you by setting terms over how you should meet.

If he really wants to tell you something important that will affect the boys then he would be able to tell you over the phone or by email. There is no reason you have to meet him face to face other than his need to control.

I would give him the opportunity to tell you via email or letter but not face to face. You do not owe him anything.

[Notmyrealname85]

Interesting cos I think most people agree that unless it's medical info it's not worth knowing. Say it is something medical and he's still an arse, or pretends it's medical when it's not...is there a way of having his DDs GP release that information to you?

[froyotogo]

He's not your family anymore. He isn't your boys father anymore. You need to tell him to email you and stop bothering you. What the he'll do you think he wants? To control you probably or ask for money!

[HeddaGarbled]

I wouldn't meet him. He's trying to control and bully you again. Probably a bit bored with the new family and after a bit of entertainment.

I'm not aware of any hereditary illness which would be identified in a baby that would not have already have been identified in older siblings if they had it. Ask your GP if you're genuinely worried.

[Idontwanthimhere]

I have emailed him back and told him either he emails me whatever he wants to say or he meets me with DH.

You are all right it may well be a control thing for him and if he really cares he will just tell me.

[ilovelamp82]

Definitely think that was the right decision.

[OVienna]

I can see why you were thinking of meeting him. I am an adoptee and I agree with the adopter upthread that fantasies can build around 'other families.' When your kids are 18 they can see him if they like; would he build a story you obstructed him? I would think about trying to manage him thinking this may be an outcome (sorry if it's distressing.) I suspect it's nothing whatsoever to do with illness etc. I think he's missing the boys and may regret the adoption/want some sort of contact/feel the adoption is malleable. If he's not VERY upfront in the email I would say: look, tried to be helpful, but you're going to cause distress to the boys' lives.

[Batghee]

i think you did the right thing!! Dont meet him alone.

[CherryMintVanilla]

But OP already knows he isn't decent. He's a grade A twat.

Which makes me think it isn't medical. A Grade A twat would be all wrapped up in himself at this point, and to a lesser extent, his baby.

My theory - he's skint (maybe his new partner has wised up and become an ex partner who wants CM) and he wants to get the OP on her own and ask her for money. Going by her comments here she seems very polite, and very concerned with doing the right thing - and he is a controlling arsehole...

[Topseyt]

Why would you meet him at all? Why would you want to meet up with a twat who could be out to destroy the family you now have?

Sorry if that sounds blunt, but I would have thought it a distinct possibility.

[blackteasplease]

Don't go.

He can discuss it on the phone or send an email. If you do meet in person for goodness sake take your husband.

Do not on any account meet him alone.

[OverOn]

I know your DC no longer remember him, but there may come a point in future where they seek him out. He could twist you not agreeing to meet as you obstructing them from knowing their 'real' dad (not that he is, it's the way he could frame it).

I completely agree you have to be careful as he is abusive. A PP said to offer a phone call at a set date and time. If he says no to meeting with anyone else, then offer a call. If he doesn't accept it, you have offered more than enough to show DC you gave him the chance to talk.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I reckon he wants that little kick he gets from knowing he can control you and put the shits up you and DH.

There is absolutely nothing that could not go on email. Why would you meet him, even with OH? Old patterns? Have to obey? Are all those old feelings flooding back?

[C0untDucku1a]

Dont go alone.

[AcrossthePond55]

Please don't go meet him alone. I think in your situation I'd probably tell him that if he wants to meet me, DH's presence is non-negotiable. The most I'd be willing to do would be to meet in a public place (where there are always people about) and that DH will sit where he can observe but not hear. Otherwise, he can email or tell me on the phone.

[ChiefClerkDrumknott]

Well done for that. I said earlier I believe this is a control thing and still think so. If it is a medical problem that may affect your boys, which I doubt, then he can email the details. If it's anything else then can it be so important that he has to see you alone? Fuck his abusive arse and his attempt to manipulate you, you've done the right thing by responding on your own terms

[ChiefClerkDrumknott]

Although I agree with RunRabbit and don't think you should agree to his demand to meet at all, even with DH

[MissEDashwood]

I would say feel free to email me, I can't leave my baby as I just can't. Sorry for any inconvenience it's just the way it is.

[ohfourfoxache]

Definitely the right decision.

He isn't in control anymore.

[Italiangreyhound]

Honesty is best for your boys 're go's other family. (I am an adopter too.)

're meeting up alone, no!

He was abusive to you. Even if he has changed (why would your friend think he has and why does she/he not have your back?), even if he has changed he was still abusive,, you owe him nothing.

If he wants to tell you something he can ring or email, or meet you at a place of your choosing with a companion of your choosing.

My guess is becoming a father again has made him realise what he has lost in his boys and he will want to see them again or introduce them to their new half sister! This is just a guess but I would say far more lightly than a hereditary disease (which I sincerity hope is not the case).

If so this absolutely affects your Dh who is now their dad.

verysadibside "Taking DH would be an aggressive move and probably not the best start."

The OP taking her husband when going to meet an abusive man is not aggressive or a bad start it is a very obvious sensible choice. This man is her husband and the boys's father.

There is no way I would send my other half off to meet an abusive ex alone!

OP it is eithert serious, in which case he should accept your terms, or it is a trvisl mind game, in which case he can fuck off.

[Italiangreyhound]

Ps I would not meet him, this is the situation phones and email are for. record the call and save all emails. If he wants to worn his way back into a home's life you need to know what you are dealing with.

So not be generous with your time, he was not with his!