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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EXH wants to talk to me but I don't want too.

147 replies

Idontwanthimhere · 05/05/2017 21:24

Namechanged because this has a lot of backstory which could be identifying.
EXH was an abusive arsehole who left me and our twin boys with nothing for his OW. He was barely in any contact, he never payed maintenance and the boys never saw him again. I remarried to DH and Ex gave up all his parental rights and let DH adopt the DCs.
The DCs are now 8 and they don't remember Ex and refer to DH as their dad.

Ex then contacted me a few months ago to tell me that he got a woman pregnant and now has a daughter. At the time I was heavily pregnant with DD so I didn't tell the boys straight away as they were only just coming to terms and getting excited for DD.

So I told the boys a few weeks after DD was born that Ex had a daughter. They were upset and confused that he had another family but didn't want to see them.

So to today, Ex got in contact with me again to say he wants to meet me to talk. He won't tell me why. He doesn't want the boys or DH to come. I don't want to meet him but I feel like I should hear him out in case it's important for the boys. I'm not sure what to do. My friend thinks I should go because ex has asked nicely and it might be important and I should just forget the past because ex has obviously moved on. DH really doesn't want me to go but he will support whatever decision I make.

So AIBU to not go or should I just go because it might be important for the boys.

OP posts:
Rainbunny · 05/05/2017 21:51

Your instinctive misgivings about this are probably correct for a reason. Do you really think any good will come out of this? You have zero reason for there to be any remaining connection between you - he has given up his parental rights and if he wanted to initiate contact with his sons he can clarify that before asking for an in person meeting.

All you know is that he wants a meeting, which means there is something he wants from you. If it's to see his sons, well he can explain that by email first, he has no rights but I would understand if he wanted to ask. The fact that he has just had another child is interesting, would that event have prompted him to think about his sons?

Whatever he wants you don't have to go along with meeting him if you don't want to. Personally I wouldn't because it seems clear to me that he'll want something that you won't want to go along with but by meeting with him you would be dragged further into whatever it is. You have zero connection now and lead completely separate lives, if it is about his sons he can email you and you can consider whatever he says in your own time and decide whether to respond.

Original poster
Idontwanthimhere · 05/05/2017 21:53

I don't know if he will talk to me if I bring DH but I don't want to not go and then it turns out it was something important for the boys. I'm worried its going to be an illness or something that I would need to know for the boys sake.

OP posts:
DreamilyLookingOutOfTheWindow · 05/05/2017 21:55

I would think that OP, that it could be he wants to tell you about a genetic illness or something

I would go, or it'll just play on your mind. Meet in public.

If he's being an arse, you can always tell him to piss off

happypoobum · 05/05/2017 21:55

OP - if it's important he can tell you over phone or email it. YOu are making this unnecessarily complex. There is just no need for you to meet him but you seem determined to go ahead...........

AlternativeTentacle · 05/05/2017 21:56

If it is important, then it can go in an email. Don't fall for this trick.

Starlight2345 · 05/05/2017 21:57

I wouldn't go. I would simply block him..

He is no longer your DS's Dad.

My DS doesn't see his dad and has a half sibling ( older than DS) I wanted my DS to know as I didn't want it to be an issue.

I think I would be focused on the family you do have. Tell him he is not longer part of your or your DS's life and you do not plan to meet him.

Your DH has took these boys on as his own and I would support that not someone who was abusive and didn't care about his boys.

Mo55chop5 · 05/05/2017 21:57

Why are you giving him a choice in how this contact is to happen?!?!

Tell him whatever it is can be spoken about over the phone or by email, he lost any right to lay down the law to you when he walked out on you and his kids. If that's not good enough then tell him to fuck off

Starlight2345 · 05/05/2017 21:58

Can I add your abusive ex who never cared about his DS's when you were in contact is highlt unlikely to be in contact for concerns they may of inherited an illness.

VerySadInside · 05/05/2017 21:59

I would go. It's the adult thing to do and might be a positive thing for your boys.

He might be very ill and wanting to set up and account or such, which you might not want but it's not really yours to reject.

Taking DH would be an aggressive move and probably not the best start. Id definitely do it in a public place maybe with DH in the car nearby in case you get upset/want a quick exit.

GooseFriend · 05/05/2017 21:59

He can do over phone or email anything necessary. If you do meet him do so in a very public place, in the middle of the day with someone you trust on speed dial near by. He abused you op. Don't assume he's changed.

Andrewofgg · 05/05/2017 22:03

Just a thought, and an uncomfortable thought. What if his daughter has some hereditary illness which your boys could pass onto their children (or daughters) even though it has skipped them? If that is so, and if he has any last scraps of decency, he will want to tell you, and he might think it easier by word of mouth than in writing.

You cannot quite exclude the possibility that he has some legitimate reason for wanting to speak to you. So meet in a public place with DH there; and park your sons with friends or relations and don't tell them you're seeing him.

CherryMintVanilla · 05/05/2017 22:04

Honestly - what is it likely to be? Why are you even bothering with this tosser who has never met his children? If he's ill - he's ill. Oh well. Your boys wouldn't know him if they walked past him in the street - would you involve them in that drama? There wasn't even a need to tell them about the baby. It doesn't help to tell children about things like that. They don't need to know anything unless it's something that is literally about to affect them directly - and their biological Dad they don't even know being ill is not one of those things.

LightYears · 05/05/2017 22:08

I agree, he should email you with the details, what the hell's the big secret, annoys me when people carry on all cloak and dagger.

ElspethFlashman · 05/05/2017 22:09

I'll be blunt.

WTF are you thinking????!!

You're not gonna even ask him to put it in an email?

CherryMintVanilla · 05/05/2017 22:10

And if he has some hereditary illness that has only shown up in his newborn dd and you don't meet him to get that information - if he is decent he will send it to you by post, email or text.

Frankly, if you want to meet him, meet him. But think very carefully before giving your dc's any more information about this man. Think - is it information that will add anything to their lives? As someone who grew up with the same dynamic, I wish everything had been kept from me until I was at least 16 if not older.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/05/2017 22:12

This guy previously had no scruples, thinking only of himself, going so far as to give up, entirely, his parental rights.
He was an abusive arsehole ! He still is ...
He is most likely out on a limb, and giving it one last shot at getting back into your pants, and claiming back his kingdom.
Go with your DH, why on earth should this prove a problem, if his intentions are honourable.
If it is anything serious, he can speak to you on the telephone, or through your solicitor,
No good will come from meeting him alone.
Don't let this rat, upset the apple art.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/05/2017 22:13
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Taylor22 · 05/05/2017 22:14

If he's that desperate he'll do it on your terms.

Tell him you will not be meeting but you will speak privately over the phone on X date at X time.

Remind him that he is no longer your husband and no longer the father of your children and as a result you don't owe him a damn thing.

Ohyesiam · 05/05/2017 22:14

You hold a lot of power in this. It's something he wants, so you can set the conditions. Personally I'd set up a separate email account, and get him to mail me there, say whatever he needed to. If you wanted more details, or felt you wanted to see him in light of what he tells you, take it from there.

user1493630944 · 05/05/2017 22:15

HildaOg is right. This man is nothing to do with your family. Block him and ignore him.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/05/2017 22:19

This would be a no-brainer for me.

He no longer calls the shots. You do.

He either tells you over the phone, or your DH accompanies you.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/05/2017 22:19

I second @Ohyesiam idea and I'd make the email
Address something along the lines of [email protected]

OverOn · 05/05/2017 22:21

Is there a small part of you wondering if he has regrets and wants to give him a chance to explain?

SweetLuck · 05/05/2017 22:23

If he had enough decency to inform you of some non existant hereditary illness, he would have the decency to do it by e-mail if that's what you want.

Your friend is being an idiot and just enjoys the drama.

RB68 · 05/05/2017 22:25

Maybe his daughter has a health condition as well who knows till she meets him - I don't think he is being unreasonable, BUT given the back story i think the me& Hubby or phone is a fair response.