EXH wants to talk to me but I don't want too.

[Idontwanthimhere]

Namechanged because this has a lot of backstory which could be identifying.
EXH was an abusive arsehole who left me and our twin boys with nothing for his OW. He was barely in any contact, he never payed maintenance and the boys never saw him again. I remarried to DH and Ex gave up all his parental rights and let DH adopt the DCs.
The DCs are now 8 and they don't remember Ex and refer to DH as their dad.

Ex then contacted me a few months ago to tell me that he got a woman pregnant and now has a daughter. At the time I was heavily pregnant with DD so I didn't tell the boys straight away as they were only just coming to terms and getting excited for DD.

So I told the boys a few weeks after DD was born that Ex had a daughter. They were upset and confused that he had another family but didn't want to see them.

So to today, Ex got in contact with me again to say he wants to meet me to talk. He won't tell me why. He doesn't want the boys or DH to come. I don't want to meet him but I feel like I should hear him out in case it's important for the boys. I'm not sure what to do. My friend thinks I should go because ex has asked nicely and it might be important and I should just forget the past because ex has obviously moved on. DH really doesn't want me to go but he will support whatever decision I make.

So AIBU to not go or should I just go because it might be important for the boys.

[Italiangreyhound]

Someone's life!

[Birdsgottaf1y]

""This man is nothing to do with your family.""

It's the children that get to decide that,usually from the age of 13 and FB/Twitter/IG has made that so simple.

At 14 a teen can decide who they live with. All you need is someone manipulative, but looks good on paper and a teen going through an arsey stage and they can split the family.

OP, speaking as someone whose had a lot of dealings with estranged families, you've handled this correctly.

Now, you want to exert your control and meet/speak/communicate when and how it suits you.

Show your ex that you are also a different person and he is secondary in your children's lives, until they decide different.

[FrenchLavender]

I felt I had to tell the boys about ex's new daughter because I wanted them to hear it from me where we could talk it through with them.

I don't really understand why you felt you needed to do this. He's no longer their father. They don't even remember him. They have an adoptive father. He chose to walk away and have nothing to do with them and to allow another man to adopt them and raise them. Why do you need to tell them anything at all? He and his daughter are an irrelevance.

I wanted them to hear it from me

But how were they ever going to find out, except perhaps as adults, should they choose to get back in contact?

[Italiangreyhound]

Finding out things like this as adults can be very damaging. it can lead to the idea that the adults in your life (when you were a child) lied to you (by omission).

My son is adopted. If I heard his birth mum, or dad, had had another child I would absolutely tell ds.

It would be hard and upsetting - but worse to find out later that I had known and not told.

In these days of Facebook and other social media etc no secret can really be a secret forever unless everyone agree to keep it!

The OP did the right thing but now needs to work carefully to keep this potentially abusive man away from the children.

At least until such time as things change - e.g. they may wish to legally seek him at 18. He gave up his rights to them but is their birth father so the boys do have a right, I believe as adults, to search for him.
As my son does for his birth parents when he is an adult.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Remember you don't need to respond to him immediately or even ever. I know you've already messaged him back this time but if he replies you could wait a couple of days or more before replying.

[SweetLuck]

I think it's fine that you told them about their new sister, secrets can be very damaging. But definitely done meet him!

[Jimcanna]

Definitely the right thing to do.

[cestlavielife]

Insist he tells you the topic of the discusion.
Otherwise forget it.
If it's important enough he will email what it is about. Money health moving country whatever

[Trb17]

Definitely right thing to do by offering choice of email or meet you with your DH.

Also definitely right thing to do to tell your son about sibling. Secrets like this always come out and if it doesn't happen until adulthood the sense of betrayal and keeping the truth from your DS would have been huge. Children process news much better when we are honest with them and they feel safe and included.

[Idontwanthimhere]

Thank you all for your replies.
Ex eventually got back to me yesterday saying he didn't agree to either option. I messaged back saying tough it those options or nothing and if it's that important it shouldn't matter.
He replied today agreeing to meet me in person with DH in a public place.

[Gingernaut]

I'd still be pretty wary.

Has he said what he wants to talk to you about?

[EZA15]

When are you both meeting him? I'm very intrigued!

[Misstic]

As long as you feel safe, you should meet him. No need to overthink it.

I suspect he may be terminally I'll and wants to make his peace with you.

[Misstic]

*Terminally ill

[C0untDucku1a]

I dont like this at all.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

So it's all a big power play for him.

Well done on not playing along with him.

Good luck for the meeting

[ohfourfoxache]

Doesn't sit well.

Do you have anyone who could be in the same public place just in case? Does your OH have any friends who look like rugby pros?

[MarcelineQueen]

Where will you be meeting him? Is there a handy coffee shop next to your local police station? Do you have any friends or relatives who look hard that can be strategically placed around you?

Glad you stood your ground

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

If it is important, then it can go in an email. Don't fall for this trick

This . He is Playing you and controlling you by hanging this enticing data over you. Unless you kind of want to see him

God invented email for a reason !

[PeaFaceMcgee]

He may have realised the error of his ways and want some sort of relationship with the boys...

He may have received some inheritance money willed to them...

He might be dying or really ill...

His daughter might be poorly and they need to seek a bio match...

I'd try to think how you'd respond to whatever is put to you in the meeting. No doubt whatever it is - you'll need to discuss with your husband in private before getting back to him (or not). So maybe best off keeping the meeting short and sweet.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Saw update we'll done OP 👊🏼

[PeaFaceMcgee]

Is he an addict? He may be doing the 12 steps and want to apologise to you in person.

[PeaFaceMcgee]

But personally I'd be asking him to send all important correspondence in writing, via my solicitor.

[PastaOfMuppets]

OP well done for sticking to your guns. Be careful, he sounds extremely manipulative.

[Gingernaut]

I really wouldn't meet him. I have a very bad feeling about this.

Tell him you can no longer meet him. Any excuse you like.

If it's important, he can email or contact your solicitor.

Be extremely careful. A lot can happen, even in public. 😟