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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to shake hands at an interview?

182 replies

Mehfruittea · 05/05/2017 12:41

I'm the one interviewing.

I have EDS and my fingers dislocate easily. When I shake hands with someone, even a light grip hurts. If someone does a 'power pump' on me then my little finger joint dislocates at the top.

I did 2 interviews today and now my hand is killing. I've got 4 on Monday and 6 on Tuesday.

How do I get out of handshakes when I first meet someone? And without coming across like a dick or putting them off their interview?

OP posts:
nixi86 · 05/05/2017 19:32

insancerre thing is you didn't mention anything about being able to do the job, your reasoning was her level of fitness and how much time off she would need..... You assumed she was the interviewee versus the interviewer.

She has trouble shaking hands, none typing am assuming, as she's posted on here. Disabled people are capable of knowing what they can and cant do, it's not your call to judge that

RhodaBorrocks · 05/05/2017 22:00

I wear custom made wrist supports on bad days. This has included interviews.

I've noticed that if I'm wearing them and someone I'm just meeting sticks their hand out to shake they will either suddenly check if it's OK when they spot my supports, or they are very gentle. Sometimes I've been asked if I've injured myself or if I'm OK and I usually just say "I have a joint condition and today is a bad day".

When I know people better I will happily demonstrate how I can bend over and put my hands flat on the floor! Wink Grin

When I don't have my supports on I'm more at risk of dislocating wrist bones from an overenthusiastic hand shaker. Sometimes my wrist will crack audibly, which is fun, other times I'm left quietly swearing for the rest of the day.

If you do say something I'd just say you have a hand injury or a joint condition that's playing up today.

Insancerre, your attitude sickens me. I've been through constructive dismissal twice because employers have found out about my EDS after they've taken me on as the best candidate, and after I've disclosed my disability and been cleared as fit to work by occupational health. I've never taken on a job if I'm not 100% sure I'm fit to do the full range of duties and OH has always signed off on this, so it infuriates me that managers without expert rheumatological knowledge think they know better on the off chance that I may go off sick. FWIW I've never had a day off because of having EDS - only the regular office illnesses, and there's plenty of people where I work who've been off more/longer than me and yet aren't disabled. Your attitude is downright ableist.

Mehfruittea · 05/05/2017 22:03

Actually I do have trouble typing, but I use dictation software (costs less than £100), and Siri on my phone. There are loads of misconceptions around what other people think disabled people can and cannot do. This has unfortunately cost me my job on 3 occasions and has impacted me when job hunting for sure. The DWP did not react well when I showed up for an interview in a wheelchair (even though I put it on my application).

OP posts:
BoysofMelody · 05/05/2017 22:20

Offer your hand, pull it away at the last minute and then break into a rendition of 'Can't touch this' by MC Hammer, complete with dance moves.

Mehfruittea · 05/05/2017 23:24

Grin would live to do those dance moves but would definitely dislocate both my hips!! It would be more argh than ohh!

OP posts:
YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/05/2017 23:42

@Mehfruittea I've just managed to pop a rib back in after an over zealous fart earlier Grin they joys!

ChasedByBees · 05/05/2017 23:59

I think honestly if you came for an interview and you told me you couldn't shake hands because of potentially dislocating a finger, then I probably wouldn't employ you
I would worry about your level of fitness and the potential for a lot of time off

That would make you a pretty terrible employer who acts illegally.

flyingspaghettimonster · 06/05/2017 00:26

I always just say "I can't shake hands, it hurts my arthritis". The only time I would grin and bear it is if I were being interviewed. Better for a future employee
To know this about you so they don't hurt you in future...

Italiangreyhound · 06/05/2017 00:30

Small bandage on right hand, "sorry I can't shake hands" enough said.

insancerre · 06/05/2017 07:15

I interview for a pretty physical job working in a nursery and that's why I said what I did. I have to ensure the people who look after children are physically capable of ensuring their welfare and safety
They also have to be able to fully carry out the role of a key person while being part of the adult- child ratios
It's not the same as sitting in an office, where it's easy to make reasonable adjustments

TiggyMP · 06/05/2017 07:33

Just kiss, but no tongues.

Mehfruittea · 06/05/2017 09:13

insancerre I don't have any hard feeling towards you or your original comment. It's unfortunately a fact of life that able bodied people assume someone with a disability can't be accommodated. I work in an office and the following are comments I've had from my own line managers who have then gone to dismiss me unfairly because of my condition. (And I never took a day off sick working for them).

"If I had known I wouldn't have employed you" when asking if the only disabled parking space could be made available, as a director was using it as her personal space in a very crowded car park.

"I forgot you were a dalek" when asked to go to a meeting on 1st floor in a building with no lift.

"I just can't see how you can do your [office] job in a wheelchair".

"Why should we make changes for you" when asked to move a pot plant that was blocking the wheelchair access through security gates.

"How much are you raking in for this anyway" in reference to claiming benefits when I explained I had a blue badge for parking

"Why would you even want to work"

"It seems you have rights, I suppose you know that..."

My point is this: I've only ever applied for jobs I know I'm physically capable of doing, as well as more than qualified for and experienced enough to do with relative ease. My career has not progressed one jot since becoming disabled simply because I'm treading water. Losing 3 jobs in 6 years has left my CV in tatters and my confidence rock bottom.

If a disabled person applies for a job, you can ask them what adjustments they need. What additional support would be required and how they would intend to work with you to ensure they are able to perform the role. It's a simple as that. Then you are equipped with all the information you need to make an informed choice.

I hope that, if just one person reads this and thinks about disability differently, we can start to end the prejudice that keeps disabled people at home, out of sight and on benefits rather than at work where we belong.

OP posts:
Mehfruittea · 06/05/2017 09:14

And my 5 year old has just invented a 'trump five' where both parties high-five and trump at the same time. I think I will have to try this! Grin

OP posts:
user1471596238 · 06/05/2017 09:23

In the circumstances described by the OP, I can't see any need to make up excuses. If an interviewer told me that they had a condition with their hand, I wouldn't think anything of it. Sounds perfectly reasonable to briefly explain reason and then move on.

amammabear · 06/05/2017 16:17

Mehfruittea I love your response. I just find it so sad that we still have to fight that sort of ignorance, you'd think in the 21st century we'd be beyond it.

jarhead123 · 06/05/2017 16:31

Agree with sling/bandage etc.

Don't say you've had a cold, that would make me think you're a bit neurotic!

insancerre · 06/05/2017 16:53

amammabear
I'm not ignorant, think you
I have explained my comment was made in the context of what I do
I probably didn't explain myself very well and I did leave myself wide open to criticism but I am very aware of inc!usion and anti discriminatory practice
I answered honestly as in my experience I need my staff to be able to physically do the job
That's not discrimination

MyheartbelongstoG · 06/05/2017 17:01

Wrap your hand in a bandage.

Sorted.

Mehfruittea · 06/05/2017 17:18

Please don't jump on insancerre. Honest opinions, regardless of how the law is currently written, are really helpful to me. It's damaging to think that you can live your life in the bubble of how things should be.

Without knowing and understanding the full range of reactions/beliefs/opinions about disability at work, it makes it very hard to be in the workplace and succeed. I use a wheelchair, but a colleague complained to my manager when I stood up and walked to somewhere that was inaccessible (small doorway). He felt I was being two-faced and should only use a wheelchair if I couldn't walk. You cannot police how other people think, or educate everyone. It's much better if I know someone may think that about me. I'm prepared then, and I can prepare them for the miracle of walking. Grin And then I could cartwheel to the stationary cupboard.

if everyone only ever spoke in a PC way, but still had their own opinions, we would be unable to adapt and challenge it. Hope this makes sense and sorry for the rant!!

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 06/05/2017 17:22

If I was attending an interview, and my handshake was refused without a straightforward reason, I would assume wierdness.

It wouldn't give me warm feelings about the job.

Hopefully, OP, you will think of some form of words that suits you.

topcat2014 · 06/05/2017 17:23

Mind you, bandages that are not needed are a bit Keith Lemon

Everhopeful1 · 06/05/2017 17:59

Hold a file in your 'hand shaking hand' and a large sweeping gesture with the other arm for the candidate to sit down? Assuming you are standing up & bringing them into interview area... I think I am over thinking this....

Crumbs1 · 06/05/2017 18:05

Most interview invitations ask whether you need adaptation, so you could mention it then.
It might be better just to say "Sorry I have a condition that makes hand shaking painful".
If you can't do that put a bandage on for the interview and just say "Sorry" whilst waving hand.

Italiangreyhound · 06/05/2017 18:07

The bandage is necessary if it stop OP having to say why she can't shake hands, or stops others trying to grasp her hand!

specialsubject · 06/05/2017 18:10

A dalek????

Back on point - you just say 'excuse no handshake, I have an injury' with a smile. Job done.

Religious reasons not to shake hands are insulting to those deemed untouchable so don't use that.

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