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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still go on this date?

68 replies

slownsteady · 05/05/2017 09:31

Name changed as outing but regular poster. Really hope friend isn't a MNer.

Years ago, my friend had one date with a guy she met online. She didn't want to take it further and things fizzled out. Now it turns out I'm chatting to the same guy (small world huh?) and we've arranged to meet. My friend was initially supportive and we found it funny, but now he's added me on fb she's convinced herself that he's stalking her Hmm

Because he came up on her recommended friends she's convinced he's been checking out her profile. She even got me to hide some of my own statuses that reference a personal life event she went through recently. Not a problem, it's her life and she doesn't want him knowing her business, but AIBU to think she's being a bit over the top? The atmosphere has changed from it being a funny coincidence to her pretty much calling him a stalker Confused and implying I shouldn't meet him/it will go badly.

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Yukbuck · 05/05/2017 09:33

I would still go on the date. They only went on one date it's not as if they were in a relationship and he was abusive or anything! Unless she has a genuine reason to believe he's stalking her then I wouldn't worry!

c3pu · 05/05/2017 10:12

If she doesn't like the idea of him having a route into her social network, surely she can block him?

Honeyandfizz · 05/05/2017 10:14

Is she always dramatic like this? She sounds paranoid!!

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 10:17

Wishful thinking on her behalf. Anybody who's friends with your friends on fb comes up in the people you may know section. Don't feed her attention seeking delusions. She's probably regretting leaving it back then and now jealous that you're having a chance with him.

Go on the date and call her out on her attention seeking. A real friend wouldn't behave like that.

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 05/05/2017 10:18

She's being daft, does she have form for thinking everything revolves around her?

Facebook recommends a lot of people as poss friends to me, that's what it does! it does not mean he has shown any interest in her. She can block him if she wishes - but not your problem.

MadamePomfrey · 05/05/2017 10:18

He met her once and is suppose to have spent all this time plotting a way back into her life Hmm your friend is being at best drama queen at worst she's being insulting!! It's like saying he doesn't want you he could only be after her! Go ahead with your date, ignore your friend!

Disclaimer obviously if he spend the whole date talking about your friend run like the wind Wink

QuiteLikely5 · 05/05/2017 10:20

Is she jealous? Did he bin her off?

Can't she block him - the intelligent and obvious thing to do

LightYears · 05/05/2017 10:21

Doesn't sound like shes given you one real reason not to go ahead with the date apart from her paranoia. Has she said why she didn't like him?

FrenchMartiniTime · 05/05/2017 10:28

Is she usually such a drama llama?

Sounds like someone is a wee bit jealous Grin

Original poster
slownsteady · 05/05/2017 10:44

She told me about her date with him at the time and made him sound pretty awful. She's quite judgy and picky though whereas I'm easy going and get on with most people. I haven't found him weird or stalker-like but she definitely panicked last night.

I don't think she's jealous? He's not her type and she told me she ended up ghosting him. She's not normally dramatic or attention seeking either, very level headed, which is why I'm surprised at her reaction.

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HildaOg · 05/05/2017 11:07

She's definitely jealous. That's why she's reacting how she is. You say she's very judgy and picky... She's probably now looking at him, not through her judgy eyes where she has a list of his failings but as someone who has another woman interested in him. So she's thinking, what are the good points she's missed? Well she'll know and be kicking herself if her friend starts dating him...

Challenge her arrogance and delusions, call out her attention seeking and tell her how offensive she's being. The world doesn't revolve around her.

Go on your date and see how you get on.

I'd be rethinking the friendship tbh.

QuiteLikely5 · 05/05/2017 11:09

Hmmm makes me think she's hiding something from you - maybe he ghosted her or she stalked him? Or slated you to him and is worried he will tell you

She's desperately keen to put you off!!!

Optimist1 · 05/05/2017 11:20

I question the wisdom of allowing the FB friendship before you've even met the man, TBH. If your friend got a weird vibe from him when they met, she may be concerned about his motives (towards you as well as her)?

Kennethwasmyfriend · 05/05/2017 11:22

Why are you friends with someone on Facebook who you've never met, and who might want a romantic/sexual relationship with you? You are giving him access to loads of info about you, family photos, work colleagues, and your relationship hasn't even consisted of one face to face encounter yet?

TheNaze73 · 05/05/2017 11:25

Jealousy written all over this

Original poster
slownsteady · 05/05/2017 11:26

I'm not really a fb user. The odd selfie, very rare status updates etc. I scrolled back before I accepted his add and there's nothing revealing on there at all. There's not even work info on there and hardly any photos, no group ones or anything. It's not like I've given him a house key lol

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LadyPW · 05/05/2017 11:27

She had one date with him years ago & now he's a stalker?! Confused

Original poster
slownsteady · 05/05/2017 11:33

Her words were 'I just find it really weird he's come up as my suggested friend the day you became friends' 'his tinder came up first when I joined the other day so I'm sure he swiped right on me' 'just be warned he does thoroughly fb stalk' 'that's on him if he's looked me up, he should be concentrating on you Wink'

Now I've written that all out she does look kinda self obsessed and jealous... which is weird cos she's really not like that normally! Maybe it's just a bit close for comfort for her. I can't even remember one-off dates I went on that many years ago (4? 5?) so I can't get my head around her reaction.

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dustmotesinthesun · 05/05/2017 11:34

Adding him on fb before you've even met him is stupid, even if you don't have much on your profile. Won't he now be able to see some if what your friends post (including her stuff) or does fb no longer work like that. I'm not on there. And it is possible he was looking up her profile if he appeared on the 'people you may know' list. But that doesn't mean he's stalking her, he might just be curious.

At the end of the day she's the one who has physically met him. If she's feeling uncomfortable now there might well be a valid reason for that. As a friend if hers it might be worth asking. There are some unpleasant people around.

Original poster
slownsteady · 05/05/2017 11:38

Totally true dustmotesinthesun but let's just say I'm a more 'experienced' online dater than her. It wouldn't surprise me if she felt 'uncomfortable' when I wouldn't as she really has her guard up, especially with strangers, whereas I'm more relaxed and easy going, and used to the whole weirdness of meeting someone online. If I want to add him it's not a big deal? It's not stupid, there's literally no info on there and the 'friends of friends' status setting isn't used anymore to my knowledge. If he turns out to be a weirdo I'll just block him?

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Optimist1 · 05/05/2017 12:54

In spite of your confidence in terms of OLD and the dearth of information on your FB page there's plenty of information that can be obtained (and potentially misused) from it. Someone who wanted to appear to be on your wavelength might pick up all sorts of stuff (holiday destinations, liked pages, political leanings, sense of humour and so on). You might regard that as just doing a bit of pre-date homework but I prefer those things to be revealed as the relationship develops!

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2017 12:58

Just tell her to block him.

How many years has this guy been online dating for?

That's what I would want to know.

FlyWaxSleepRepeat · 05/05/2017 13:00

The odd selfie and very rare status updates... and yet you've had to hide status updates from him referencing your friend and personal life event she's gone through?

That seems quite contradictory.

Silly move adding a random stranger on FB.

isupposeitsverynice · 05/05/2017 13:05

I think it sounds like there was something she didn't tell you at the time about why she ended it, and now is panicking and feels she can't open up now because she'll come across as jealous. That or she's just slightly bonkers, hard to tell from an internet post really

Original poster
slownsteady · 05/05/2017 13:59

FlyWaxSleepRepeat thanks for that! 'Silly' in your opinion based on how you use fb does not necessarily apply to me. My friend clearly didn't want this guy knowing her business via my fb, which is fine. She asked people to share those particular statuses so that's what's really contradictory - she wanted it shared around but has now backtracked that other people can see them.

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