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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still go on this date?

68 replies

slownsteady · 05/05/2017 09:31

Name changed as outing but regular poster. Really hope friend isn't a MNer.

Years ago, my friend had one date with a guy she met online. She didn't want to take it further and things fizzled out. Now it turns out I'm chatting to the same guy (small world huh?) and we've arranged to meet. My friend was initially supportive and we found it funny, but now he's added me on fb she's convinced herself that he's stalking her Hmm

Because he came up on her recommended friends she's convinced he's been checking out her profile. She even got me to hide some of my own statuses that reference a personal life event she went through recently. Not a problem, it's her life and she doesn't want him knowing her business, but AIBU to think she's being a bit over the top? The atmosphere has changed from it being a funny coincidence to her pretty much calling him a stalker Confused and implying I shouldn't meet him/it will go badly.

OP posts:
metalmum15 · 17/05/2017 15:12

their relationship.

Original poster
slownsteady · 17/05/2017 15:18

Yeah we're really close, so if anything like that had happened I would expect her to tell me. She is pretty guarded/stand offish though and a totally different personality to me. So her boundaries are different to mine. She mentioned that he seemed quite full on and that put her off. Whether he's grown up a bit now or just learned about social boundaries, I don't know, but I haven't felt uncomfortable around him.

She's visiting her family who are local in a couple of weeks and we had arranged to go out for dinner. I'd still like to go and talk properly, read her body language etc to see if there's anything she's not telling me.

OP posts:
Fluffypinkpyjamas · 17/05/2017 15:20

mum she did... implying I shouldn't meet him/it will go badly

Original poster
slownsteady · 17/05/2017 15:26

fluffy that's not really warning me though is it? It could be something bad happened, or she's jealous, or anything in between. Implying I shouldn't go without giving me a reason, and then saying 'I told you he was good looking/smart etc' after the date doesn't really add up. All she has to do is be straight with me and I'd listen. Even if it was jealousy I wouldn't judge her and we wouldn't fall out. It's just the frankly bizarre and out of character behaviour that's left me with questions.

OP posts:
Original poster
slownsteady · 17/05/2017 15:33

metalmum15 she told me that he was OK, but not really her type and she didn't take to a couple of things he said (like asking how many dates she'd been on - normal conversation for some people but invasive to her). She said she then fobbed him off for a week or two saying she was busy then ghosted him.

She told me all this before I started talking to him. And when we realised it was the same guy later, her reaction wasn't one of fear/jealousy or anything negative. We just found it really, really funny. It was only once he added me on fb that she changed.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 17/05/2017 15:38

I'm not saying he assaulted her, but don't assume that she would tell you.

It took me years to tell anyone in rl when I'd been raped. Close friends, sisters...I told nobody.

Original poster
slownsteady · 17/05/2017 15:41

I'm not suggesting she flat out tells me, but if you knew one of your oldest, closest friends was going on a date with a rapist surely you would be a bit more direct with talking her out of it? Rather than this passive aggressive blocking etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
slownsteady · 17/05/2017 15:42

And Flowers for you Waltermittythesequel

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 17/05/2017 15:43

I'm not sure. That's the truth. It's not black and white whatsoever. And from my own experience it took a long time for me to eve face up to it myself, let alone tell anyone else.

I'm just saying, if this is very out of character and she's a good friend, I would try to reach out and see what's going on, rather than be angry and presume it's jealousy.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/05/2017 15:43

Thank you, slow. Flowers

fluentinsarcasm · 17/05/2017 15:46

Can I ask what ghosting is?

Original poster
slownsteady · 17/05/2017 15:47

That's the thing. I'm not angry and whatever it is i would never put a guy I don't know above our friendship. Guess I'll try and keep the dinner date with her and talk to her properly (and sensitively).

OP posts:
Original poster
slownsteady · 17/05/2017 15:48

fluent ghosting is when you just stop responding to their messages and ignore them until they leave you alone. Not very nice but common in the online dating world

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 17/05/2017 15:51

slow I think that's the best thing you can do.

And if it's not good enough then you know you tried!

Motoko · 17/05/2017 17:26

If he'd done something horrible to her, she wouldn't have found it really funny when OP said she'd been chatting to him.

People seem to be ignoring this point, because it doesn't fit their own narrative on the situation.

OP, has she also blocked you on FB?

Original poster
slownsteady · 17/05/2017 17:46

No she hasn't Motoko, but I know she never ever blocks people, she just mutes them/hides them from her feed or whatever it's called. I haven't tried messaging her, but her whatsapp photo and 'last seen' have disappeared which I think means they've blocked you.

OP posts:
Motoko · 17/05/2017 23:53

Ah. I guess you're going to have to wait and see if she gets in touch with you then, unless you text or ring her.

Kittencatkins123 · 18/05/2017 08:19

Why don't you just ring her? You haven't done anything wrong.

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