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AIBU?

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Original poster

Age gap: Is my mate a sleaze? If so WIBU to tell him!

113 replies

HarmlessChap · 04/05/2017 00:30

I have quite a few friends who are younger than me one is a pretty good mate who is 31, he's recently come out of a LTR with a girl in her mid twenties and ever since a girl who had her 18th birthday party a few months back has been blatantly pursuing him. Both in person and via social media.

Anyway he's now shagging seeing her and she is clearly happy with the situation.

I know it's all perfectly illegal and their mutual friends, who are mostly in their 20's, are totally un-phased by this but as far as I'm concerned she's still a child while he's a grown man, albeit she's quite a mature 18 year old. I think that one of the reasons it bothers me is that she's only about 18 months older than my eldest child.

WIBU to tell him I think he's being a bit of a sleaze or should I just keep out of it especially as she was the driving force in them getting together.

OP posts:
RockyBird · 04/05/2017 00:31

None of your business.

HTH

user1493022461 · 04/05/2017 00:33

Not your business. And it's women, not girls.

Lochan · 04/05/2017 00:33

She's not a child, she's 18 yo and legally able to get married, leave home and die for her country.

I might not think that a 13 year age difference is a good idea but it's not your business.

AhNowTed · 04/05/2017 00:39

My daughter is 18, doing her A levels, still in school, and I would be fucking appalled.

Cringiest · 04/05/2017 00:40

I think it's sleazy and creepy. 🤷🏻‍♀️ However she is an adult so I guess it's their business.

FritzDonovan · 04/05/2017 00:42

I know it's all perfectly illegal Grin
I would look at this and think it was a bit off, partly because I can't really see what they have in common (apart from the obvious) to make it an equal relationship. How mature is your friend? Because even if the 18 yr old is mature for her age, she has so little life experience in comparison with a 31 yr old that I would wonder at his motivations. I wouldn't see it lasting and tbh, wouldn't be happy with my 18yr old chasing after a 31 yr old because they would probably be at different life stages, with different responsibilities and goals.
To answer your q though, I would see it as a bit sleazy, but probably wouldn't say anything beyond a few casual remarks, because I doubt he would care what I thought anyway.

AhNowTed · 04/05/2017 00:54

OP like I said.. I would want my daughter to have her early sexual experiences with someone close to her own age, and certainly not a grown man 13 years her senior. Not at that age.

13 years when you're 25 and he's 38 is entirely different to a school girl of 18 with a 31 year old man.

You are right and yes it's sleazy

danadas · 04/05/2017 00:56

My OH was 36 when I met him (I was 18). We are doing fine 16 years down the line. Works for us.

FritzDonovan · 04/05/2017 00:57

I would want my daughter to have her early sexual experiences with someone close to her own age, and certainly not a grown man 13 years her senior. Not at that age.
Good point, which I agree with completely.

user1493022461 · 04/05/2017 01:00

I would want my daughter to have her early sexual experiences with someone close to her own age, and certainly not a grown man 13 years her senior. Not at that age

Sure but you can want all you like, it's not your choice to make.

WorraLiberty · 04/05/2017 01:01

Only you know the young woman, not us.

You say she's 'quite a mature 18yr old' and she's 'been blatantly pursuing him'.

There's nothing to see here from what you've said, so I think it's time for you to move along.

nooka · 04/05/2017 01:03

My ds is 18 this week and I would be very unhappy if he was pursuing someone so much older and absolutely appalled if they reciprocated. Sure it's not illegal, but there is no way a relationship between someone older, experienced in relationships, with an established idea about what they want in life and probably earning a decent wage and a very young adult, possibly still in high school, maybe university, with so much growing up yet to come would be an equal one.

I would tell my friend that I was very uncomfortable about their relationship and why. I probably wouldn't go on about it that much after an initial conversation, but I might well refer to them as a baby snatcher or similar (have done before when a friend in our twenties went out with a 'mature' 16 year old, it felt really weird and inappropriate and that was a much smaller gap).

AceRag · 04/05/2017 01:16

I don't think you should say anything. None of your business. Leave that to her concerned parents who, judging by the replies so far, will have plenty to say to her about it anyway!

nursy1 · 04/05/2017 01:21

I would want my daughter to have her early sexual experiences with someone close to her own age, and certainly not a grown man 13 years her senior. Not at that age.

After a couple of crap first sexual experiences with boys my own age I had a relationship at 18 with a 32 year old. It was all about sex and didn't last but was a very formative relationship for me.

SuperBeagle · 04/05/2017 01:23

but as far as I'm concerned she's still a child while he's a grown man, albeit she's quite a mature 18 year old.

But it doesn't concern you.

And she's not a child, she's an adult. That's an indisputable fact.

highinthesky · 04/05/2017 01:28

It's all a bit Bethany, isn't it?

If you're genuinely concerned, encourage him to watch Corrie. Otherwise just stay out of it.

AhNowTed · 04/05/2017 01:37

*But it doesn't concern you.

And she's not a child, she's an adult. That's an indisputable fact.*

The OP is looking for opinions outside of her own friends. That's what an Internet forum is for. Crickey if we ignored stuff that "doesn't concern" us this website wouldn't exist.

And she may be technically an adult. But an 18 year old is a school girl.

Would you be as happy if he was 50, 60... and she your daughter?

noeffingidea · 04/05/2017 01:41

An eighteen year old is a schoolgirl. Not neccesarily.

SuperBeagle · 04/05/2017 01:41

And she may be technically an adult. But an 18 year old is a school girl.

Where does it say she's a school girl?

Would you be as happy if he was 50, 60... and she your daughter?

My DH is 12 years older than me and we met when I was 19, so no different from the situation that's the subject of the OP here. Other potential age differences are irrelevant. But, I'd still maintain my "they're an adult" stance.

AhNowTed · 04/05/2017 02:05

Super ok, I hear you but let me put it this way. My daughter is 18, and doing her A levels. University next year hopefully.

She is very much a school girl, inexperienced and naive.

I would wish for her early sexual experience to be with someone on her wavelength and close to her age.

So she's not overwhelmed by an older man far more experienced than she is, and has a chance to grow into her own sexuality.

Ideally.

And yes I can't get away from the idea that a much older man has (usually) little in common with what is essentially a school girl.

I'm not decrying your own experience but it's not the same for everyone

SuperBeagle · 04/05/2017 02:15

Ah Sure, but similarly, your DD is not representative of all 18yos. The OP has said she's mature, and that she has been the one pursuing him and not the other way around. That's quite different from what you're saying about your own daughter.

You can have hopes and wishes for your child, but once they're 18, they're no longer within your control.

AhNowTed · 04/05/2017 02:46

Super ok, yes I am clouded by my DD, but I don't think she is unrepresentative of your average 18 year old.

At her age I was already in a LRT (still with!) but I think times have changed.

I did overlook the fact that the 18 year old was doing the chasing, but I still have a problem, in the main, with a 30-something being interested in an 18 year old girl. Call her woman if you wish but to me she's still very young.

captainproton · 04/05/2017 03:05

Having been that girl, I have to say sex with a man who hopefully knows what he's doing. And hopefully mature enough to make sure we are both having a good time was infinitely more preferable than crap sex with boys more interested in recreating pornos.

Plus 30 somethings on the whole seemed a lot more mature and interesting than most 18 year old boys, who lets be honest don't really grow up on the whole until early-mid 20s.

I am sure my parents were having kittens, I was enjoying a great sex life with a bloke who didn't need his mummy to do his laundry and didn't think wearing Lynx made him gods gift to women.

It didn't last, but looking back now I reckon he suffered more than
I did from the break up. I do think the older party finds it harder to bounce back.

I have married a man 15yrs my senior and I don't think that our age gap is too large. Clearly my experience didn't put me off.

OlennasWimple · 04/05/2017 03:18

When I was 18 I dated a 24 yo - looking back, he was too old for me, and I don't really know why he wanted to be with me (I was very naive, lived at home with quite protective parents; he had been through uni and was working and owned his own flat) except for reasons that are indeed sleazy

Unfortunately, you can't really say anything to your friend, OP, except perhaps one jokey comment in passing. He will probably accuse you of being jealous or seeing problems where they don't exist

elkegel · 04/05/2017 04:31

I went out with someone in his early 30s when I was 19/20. We were both at university and I have no regrets whatsoever. I never liked men under 25 very much at any age as I found them so immature. DH is 4/5 years older than me.

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