Age gap: Is my mate a sleaze? If so WIBU to tell him!

[HarmlessChap]

I have quite a few friends who are younger than me one is a pretty good mate who is 31, he's recently come out of a LTR with a girl in her mid twenties and ever since a girl who had her 18th birthday party a few months back has been blatantly pursuing him. Both in person and via social media.

Anyway he's now shagging seeing her and she is clearly happy with the situation.

I know it's all perfectly illegal and their mutual friends, who are mostly in their 20's, are totally un-phased by this but as far as I'm concerned she's still a child while he's a grown man, albeit she's quite a mature 18 year old. I think that one of the reasons it bothers me is that she's only about 18 months older than my eldest child.

WIBU to tell him I think he's being a bit of a sleaze or should I just keep out of it especially as she was the driving force in them getting together.

Jelly, going off your logic - you're calling quite a few ladies husbands on this thread sleazy. I'm sure they would thoroughly disagree.

I've only seen sleazy used in an age gap when it comes too an older man and younger woman. Would it still be sleazy for an older woman and younger man. Because from where I am it is like a badge of honour if you're an older woman and snagged a younger man. Shows you've still got "it" but an older man and younger woman he's suddenly a sleaze or a "cradle snatcher"

Ha! No, not me noeffing. The internet, or something.

Google 'half age plus seven'.

At 18 I was working full time and saving up to buy a house. At 19 I bought he house without any financial help from Anybody. I also started a relationship with a much older man (who I initially pursued). He had his own property but I had the greater disposable income of the two of us.
We were married within 2 years and are still married almost 20 years later. Not all 18 year olds are silly little schoolgirls who can be easily Manipulated by older men. The younger guys I dated before meeting my DH were not in my wavelength.

Yes its all fine kind of, and not sleazy. well so say I.. when I was about 18 in the 1960 era, I had a lengthy affair with a super lovely guy, he was 43 and married, the shame of maybe, things like this were deemed taboo then.. especially with my strict Mother, she always thought I was rushing out of the house to see an old boyfriend from school days, but not so. sadly its times gone by now, and the man has probably passed away now,, so just lovely memories of secret liasons and romance then..

Just thinking about all these mothers wishing for their daughters' sexual experiences to be a certain way - it is natural to hope for the best for them but we don't know what that might be.

My Mum wanted marriage, (perfect wedding), and a house/kids for me. That was what mattered to her. And no sex before marriage and a little job. It served her well.

I wanted my own flat, my own career, university, to live abroad, to have kids but not necessarily to get married, (I never had a wedding). That was my choice.

I loved older men who had their own places, own careers, own money, who could cook and drive, who knew about sex and how to treat a partner, who could expand my world, who knew things, who had traveled and had experiences to share. I still DO.

I did not want an 18 year old!!

I've always dated older men and ended up marrying my husband who is 15 years my senior.

At 18 there was no way on earth I'd want to be with another 18 year old who was inexperienced, broke, and clueless No thanks.

Frillyhorseyknickers Ha ha

In this day and age there are plenty of people not capable of making decisions regardless of age - but you can't legislate against idiots?

if only.....

I think it's a bit icky!
I think the 'half your age + 7' is a good rule of thumb, which this is outside.
I've had relationships near both ends of that age gap and for me the age gap has seemed very big, too big I'd say so any more seems wrong. At 18 I thought I was very mature. I wasn't anywhere near as mature as I thought I was.

I was the girl - 18 and he was 38. He was a sleaze, but it took 6 months for me to realise - and the wool was pulled from my eyes when he sat "picking" his next ingénue when I was sitting there beside him!!!

By the way - what does sleaze actually mean? It seems we are talking about sex, pure and simple. Many women love sex and are free to say so, ( many do on here), and yet if we are talking about it in the context of "other people" it is somehow disgusting.

Before you say something, think about your relationship with this friend - I honestly don't think I would stay friends with somebody who had told me I was a sleaze...
I left school at 16 - I know this is different now, but I certainly was no angel was anyone? at 17 and 18. My DP and I got together when I was 19 and he was 36. We both were looking for the same things from life - he was finally ready to think about settling down, and I was sick of immature boys who only wanted sex. Still happily together 7 years later.

Half your age + 7 years is the ok point. Below that = morally dodgy.

Above that = completely out of the question! I'm just about to potty train DD, there's no way I want to be changing nappies on a 68yo! 🤣

1forAll74 ah yes, that super lovely guy who was cheating on his wife ...I wouldn't want my 18 yr old dd doing this either - at least the older guy in question from OP is (I think) single. If not - definitely a sleaze!

It's seedy, but none of your business. You can't try to control someone else's life, only your own. Decide if you want to end the friendship because of it. I think I would. Who wants a perv for a friend

I'd have concerns if it were one of my daughter's. There's a huge power imbalance and 18 whilst technically an adult is still very, very young. I look at my own 18 year old mucking around with her 19 year old boyfriend, both excited at discovering the world together. Both laughing at child like pleasures and learning to manage their own decisions as fledgling adults. It's lovely to see and were it a 31 year old it would feel very different.

What's in it for the man? A very young, pretty woman - an adornment perhaps, a status symbol to make him feel virile and in control? The ability to be in charge and steering the relationship? Doesn't sit comfortably at all but as others have said it can work for a few people and isn't any of your business but yes a bit sleazy and as a parent I'd worry about the control aspect of the relationship.

"At 19 I bought he house without any financial help from Anybody. "

That's impossible these days. I doubt the 18 year old mentioned in the OP owns her own house.

Why do people think it is there business to get involved. 18 is not a child for goodness sake and also what is this I would want my dd etc to have early sexual experiences with people her own age. Guess what you don't get a say because they are adults.

I didn't say it was possible these days for a 19 year old to buy a house gwen but some 18/19 year olds might be mature and ready to settle down, capable of holding down a full time job and saving money and living by themselves. Not all 18 year olds are Silly little schoolgirls doing A levels. Some of them are mature in their thoughts and behaviour. And some of them don't want to be dating 18 year old guys who are immature and spend all their cash getting drunk and planning their next 18-30 holiday. I'm not saying all 18 year old males are like that either, just that everyone is individual and has different levels of Maturity, different aspirations and different focus in their lives.

Crumbs1

"What's in it for the man?"

Depends. Could just be sex. Or it could be other things.

When I was a 23 year old man I got chased by a 16 year old female friend. I said no and upset her in the process .

The truth is that we got on really well, and the main reason why I resisted her advances was because I was worried about what others would think about the age gap, and worried people would think I was some kind of predator.

Actually we'd probably have made a good couple, and I like to think I would at least have been a good first boyfriend to her.

Shortly afterwards I met DW, who is 2 years older than me and we've been together over 15 years.

Indeed Toad-in-the-hole hole, the just for sex bit would concern me as a parent (probably not quite as much as it would disturb their father though). As a 23 year old chap you were probably still quite young of mind and experience but still recognised it wasn't ideal. I'd find the 18-31 gap harder to understand because either he's a very immature man or there's an imbalance.
I wonder if those saying it's not an issue have children around the very young adult stage? It does alter how you perceive the process of moving from childhood to adulthood. It's more than just a birthday.

Some 18 year olds have children. Are they too silly and immature for that kind of responsibility? Or does that only extend to dating?

All depends. Does the relationship seem sleezy and weird? Let's pretend the lady was early 20's but everything eles the same. Is it still sleezy?
I've known relationships where couples are the same age and still seem sleezy. When it's clear that one dominates the relationship.

Does it seem like like he's using her for sex? A trophy? Ego boost?
Does she seem to using him for money? Power? Status? Security?
If not I don't see the problem. But if the relationship is weird despite the age gap. Than yh sure say something. Probably won't be well received but will probably still be thought about

Just start calling him Peado Bob.

I've only seen sleazy used in an age gap when it comes too an older man and younger woman. Would it still be sleazy for an older woman and younger man. Because from where I am it is like a badge of honour if you're an older woman and snagged a younger man

Ugh, a 31 year old woman with an 18 year old man would be pretty sleazy too. 😂

I don't think it's the end of the world - 18 and 31 isn't a massive age difference however it is a bit weird.

Oh yeah Beegle, 18 year olds are well known, as a group, for being excellent and selfless parents. That's why there are so many social services run playgroups for them, because they are so good at it.