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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Age gap: Is my mate a sleaze? If so WIBU to tell him!

113 replies

HarmlessChap · 04/05/2017 00:30

I have quite a few friends who are younger than me one is a pretty good mate who is 31, he's recently come out of a LTR with a girl in her mid twenties and ever since a girl who had her 18th birthday party a few months back has been blatantly pursuing him. Both in person and via social media.

Anyway he's now shagging seeing her and she is clearly happy with the situation.

I know it's all perfectly illegal and their mutual friends, who are mostly in their 20's, are totally un-phased by this but as far as I'm concerned she's still a child while he's a grown man, albeit she's quite a mature 18 year old. I think that one of the reasons it bothers me is that she's only about 18 months older than my eldest child.

WIBU to tell him I think he's being a bit of a sleaze or should I just keep out of it especially as she was the driving force in them getting together.

OP posts:
halcyondays · 04/05/2017 09:09

It's none of your business, they are both adults.

MagicMarkers · 04/05/2017 09:16

I think he's a sleaze, but she's an adult.

My grandmother was 18 when she married my 33 year old grandfather. He got engaged to her (this was arranged by her parents) when she was 14. I do think that's a bit yuck, to be honest. He had established himself financially so could get himself a very young wife.

SuperBeagle · 04/05/2017 09:18

becotide Hmm

RestlessTravellerTheSequel · 04/05/2017 09:20

Don't be so judgy and condescending. She's an adult and it's none of your business.

Funnyfarmer · 04/05/2017 09:24

My mum and dad got together when she was 18 and he was 48! She perused him for a long time. Initially he just wanted to help her. She doesn't cope with life very well.
But she kept dating arse holes to make him jealous and they kept treating her badly. He felt the only way to keep her away from them was to date her himself.
They got married had 3 kids. And was together for 30 years. And it was until death to us part.
My dad was the kind of man that needed to save people. Needed to take care of something. He was crazy about kids (he had a fair few before he met my mum) and animals because he loves taking care of them.
My mum needed looking after. She's useless on her own. Can't cook, pay bills, or even parent. So that was the basis of there relationship. But it worked for them. They had there ups and downs like all marragies. But mostly they was happy

corythatwas · 04/05/2017 09:27

becotide Thu 04-May-17 09:09:13
"Oh yeah Beegle, 18 year olds are well known, as a group, for being excellent and selfless parents. That's why there are so many social services run playgroups for them, because they are so good at it."

Aren't SS schemes for teen mums primarily aimed at mums below voting age? You know, 15-16yo mums.

An 18yo mum is legally able to get married and make any decisions about her life. The law recognises a difference between her and her 15yo counterpart.

ExConstance · 04/05/2017 09:30

I posted on another similar thread recently about a man I saw at work about a minor technical matter last week. In the course of the conversation he mentioned that he was 87 He only looked about 65.
I twigged that I had met his wife previously and said that she was presumably a lot younger than him, to which he replied that she was 52 and added that they had been very happily married for over 30 years, so 22 or younger when they married, and he would have been mid to late 50's. In my own family there were 2 marriages with a 17 year difference in age, including one where the wife was 16 and eloped to Scotland to marry my great uncle, again a very happy marriage for over 50 years. I would only say that you cannot generalise.

Funnyfarmer · 04/05/2017 09:33

@becotide I was a very good parent at 18. A lot better than some married 20 something's never had any intervention from ss. No help from her farther or my parents. I only had a visit from hv twice.
She's grown up to be a lovely. Kind, confident, intelligent, hard working girl.
Everyone comments on how well I've done. And I'm bloody proud!
And the parents that looked down there noses at me. Well there kids are all smoking weed now drinking on the streets and have been kicked out of school Smile

MrTCakes · 04/05/2017 09:36

I met my exh when I was 18 and he was 33. Looking back, I can see how unbalanced our relationship was and how he took advantage of me. I see some similarities with the storyline with Bethany in Corrie.
I thought nothing of it at the time, but now I would judge a man who was with a woman so much younger.

Casmama · 04/05/2017 09:40

I really object to the crossed out shagging in the op. Would you have done that if this had been a relationship between two people closer in age?
You don't know what there relationship is like and have no right to judge.
You say yourself that she pursued him and there is nothing in your op to indicate anything untoward other than your judgemental attitude.
Mind your own business and try to treat her with some respect even if she is younger.

amusedbush · 04/05/2017 09:54

HarmlessChap

Is this my ex you're talking about??

We were together for three years (I was 17, he was 22 when we got together) then he left me for a girl from my school - at the time she was 19 and he was 25. They were together for several years and have recently broken up and now he is 31 and appears to be seeing a teenager. Bleugh.

Does his name begin with K?

Primaryteach87 · 04/05/2017 09:58

I would think less of someone who did this. Yes I think it's very sleazy and low morals. I probably would say something to be honest, as I'd feel I was condoning it if I said nothing.

It's not the age gap, clearly a 30year old and 43 year old is fine. It's the fact that the young woman is only just an adult and probably has very limited life experience.

wifeyhun · 04/05/2017 10:02

I wouldn't say anything. I was 18 when I met my DH. He was 28. I can see how it would look sleazy to others, but no one said anything to us. Still together nearly 18 years on.

corythatwas · 04/05/2017 10:04

It increases the probabilities of an unbalanced relationship. But people are not statistics. You'd have to know the girl and the man.

Pinkheart5917 · 04/05/2017 10:08

Who an adult shags is really none of your business.

I don't think it's sleezy tbh, his 31 shagging someone mid twenties OMG really? What's the issue? Someone that's 18 again I don't see the issue? At 18 I had a few very good nights with men older than me, I wanted sex I knew what I was doing and I enjoyed every moment. I went to the nightclub with that very intention

I met dh at 19 he was 29 we are still together 15 years later and very happy

It always amazes me that some people think they have a right to comment on what ADULTS get up to

SecretNetter · 04/05/2017 10:11

Dh is 34 so would be the equivalent of him with a 21 year old.

If we split and his new gf was 21 I'd be horrified tbh and my view of him would plummet. So I suppose I would see it as sleazy, even in a couple of years time.

Original poster
HarmlessChap · 04/05/2017 10:29

Nope amusedbush thankfully not a Mr K.

FWIW I believe she's in 6th form just about to sit A'Levels and they seem to have a reasonable amount in common and are part of the same social group which has formed from people who take part in a sport I used to do, they've probably known each other for about 3 years.

I'm really conflicted here partly the parent in me is wondering how I would feel if I was her parent, albeit I have no idea whether they know or not, but also I do think its up to them what they do.

As has been said its none of my business so I'll only offer him my opinion if he asks.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 04/05/2017 10:31

HarmlessChap

I'm not sure if it's better or worse that it's not him! Grin

JustAKitten · 04/05/2017 10:36

OP like I said.. I would want my daughter to have her early sexual experiences with someone close to her own age

Why would you have an opinion on what your kids sexual experiences should be?

JustAKitten · 04/05/2017 10:39

Oh yeah Beegle, 18 year olds are well known, as a group, for being excellent and selfless parents. That's why there are so many social services run playgroups for them, because they are so good at it.

ODFOD

Pinkheart5917 · 04/05/2017 10:56

OP like I said.. I would want my daughter to have her early sexual experiences with someone close to her own age

Thankfully my mother expressed any opinion about what I should do with MY vagina

Why is it any of your business once they are adults? I hate to break it to you but you don't get to decide who your child has sex with

Pinkheart5917 · 04/05/2017 10:56

My mother never

Railgunner1 · 04/05/2017 16:34

OP, are you jealous?

likeababyelephant · 04/05/2017 18:45

OP, are you jealous?

Are you serious?. You think OP is jealous of an older man having sex with a teenager. Sounds like she's disgusted.

Sourpuss123 · 04/05/2017 20:05

Met my husband when I was 19, he was 31. Together for 14 years.

None of your business. Age is just a number.