Age gap: Is my mate a sleaze? If so WIBU to tell him!

[HarmlessChap]

I have quite a few friends who are younger than me one is a pretty good mate who is 31, he's recently come out of a LTR with a girl in her mid twenties and ever since a girl who had her 18th birthday party a few months back has been blatantly pursuing him. Both in person and via social media.

Anyway he's now shagging seeing her and she is clearly happy with the situation.

I know it's all perfectly illegal and their mutual friends, who are mostly in their 20's, are totally un-phased by this but as far as I'm concerned she's still a child while he's a grown man, albeit she's quite a mature 18 year old. I think that one of the reasons it bothers me is that she's only about 18 months older than my eldest child.

WIBU to tell him I think he's being a bit of a sleaze or should I just keep out of it especially as she was the driving force in them getting together.

11 year age gap between my parents and my mum was 19 when they met. Still going strong 40+ years on. Chill.

OP you are friends with this man. Does he come across as sleazy and just after a shag?

When I was 18 I had strong feelings for a man in his 30s (reciprocated) but I unfortunately allowed myself to be swayed by my dm and my bfs dm who I was very close to and didn't go there and instead my first long term relationship was with someone closer in age who was an emotional, financial and eventually physical abuser. I eventually was strong enough to get out in my late 20s with the help of my then make bf who is now my DH and 18 years older than me. My dm admitted she wishes she had encouraged me to be with the first older man who was lovely and she is on good terms with still, and she never batted an eyelid about the age difference between myself and DH

Really hate how judgemental people are. I was 17 and now dh was 27 when we got together. Been together 9 Years now, married for 5 and have three beautiful children. Really hope people don't look at my husband and think he's 'sleazy'. Actually, if they do, what the hell do they know...nothing.

Really hate how judgemental people are

It's pretty horrible. When I met my DW she was 16 and I was 27. We both had feelings from the start, but put it off because of the age difference and what people might say. When she was 18 and I was 29 we gave in and start dating. I actually had numerous people make comments about it (mostly "in jest" but not always).

I never understood the ones that asked "what the hell do you have in common with an 18 year old girl?". We had (and have) loads of things in common! The only thing we didn't have in common was our age and the fact that she was starting uni while I had a job. So? She was (and is) beautiful, incredibly smart, kind, mature... We had great chemistry and were like best friends. But apparently there must have been something wrong with me just because there were a few things in life that she hadn't "experienced" at that time?

Well, now she has experienced them. Now we are older and the age gap is deemed acceptable - yay for us. Nothing between us was actually any different then than it is now, though.

Me and DH started dating when i was 19 and he 42 25 years ago.

Before that i was seeing someone a year younger than DH the man who taught me what my clitoris was for

I would worry not because I think my teenagers are silly and immature, but because I recognise that they are very vulnerable. Age is really not 'just a number', with every year we accumulate more experience, knowledge and wisdom, and even if we think of this 18 year old as an adult, the 31 year old has 13 more years of adulthood under his belt.

Young people are known to make poorer judgements because their brains haven't finished forming, they are more susceptible to influences (of all sorts, good and bad) and more impulsive.

I say this not from a judgemental position, there are lots of studies showing that young people are more vulnerable to extremists, more likely to have mental health problems, more likely to be sexually assaulted, to have issues with drugs and alcohol, to be in car accidents etc. It's not an easy time in life to navigate, and I'd be very concerned about the risk that the older person was manipulative and/or coercive as the young person is far less likely to have the skills to navigate difficult situations, or even possibly to recognise them.

That is not to say that every relationship between a younger person and an older one is a bad one, just that there is a significant risk that the older person has picked the younger one because they are vulnerable, and even if they come from a more nurturing approach I'd be concerned as I don't think that paternal/rescuing relationships are very healthy either.

OP, are you jealous?
Not in the slightest, the major difference is that I'm married.

I've experienced a woman of 18 having a crush on me (I was mid 30's); I'll admit it was a bit flattering but I found it extremely embarrassing.

OP you are friends with this man. Does he come across as sleazy and just after a shag?
Both are focused on the physical side (not be unusual at the start of a relationship) but he's also relishing the fact that he can still attract a teenager.

"I never understood the ones that asked "what the hell do you have in common with an 18 year old girl?". We had (and have) loads of things in common! "

So I presume you had plenty of 18-year old friends at that time then? This is where the 'we do have things in common' falls through. If you really had lots in common with someone much younger than your age, you'd have platonic friends of the same age too.

OP I'm thinking that presumably you have plenty of things in common with all your younger friends. Why shouldn't your friend and his girlfriend have interests in common.

So I presume you had plenty of 18-year old friends at that time then? This is where the 'we do have things in common' falls through. If you really had lots in common with someone much younger than your age, you'd have platonic friends of the same age too

Some, yes. Why is that any more/or less difficult to believe? I haven't spent my life entirely with friends my own age. Similarly, I have friends who are older than me and although they are at different "life stages" with kids going off to uni, etc. we still get on great.

But even if I didn't, and even if my wife was the only 18 year old I knew/got on with when I was 29, so what? Would that mean I was/am a sleaze? That she didn't have any of the great qualities I fell for and that actually I just went for her because she was young and naive and I could exert power over her?

"So I presume you had plenty of 18-year old friends at that time then? This is where the 'we do have things in common' falls through. If you really had lots in common with someone much younger than your age, you'd have platonic friends of the same age too"

I was at uni when I was 18 and my platonic friends ranged from 18 to 31; my best friend was 25. We were on the same course and had lots in common.

When I met my older DH at 19 I had platonic friends of all ages. In fact, prior to meeting DH some of my same age friends had already started drifting away because I was busy saving to buy a house and working full time and didn't want to go out spending money getting drunk every weekend and they didn't understand why.