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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Age gap: Is my mate a sleaze? If so WIBU to tell him!

113 replies

HarmlessChap · 04/05/2017 00:30

I have quite a few friends who are younger than me one is a pretty good mate who is 31, he's recently come out of a LTR with a girl in her mid twenties and ever since a girl who had her 18th birthday party a few months back has been blatantly pursuing him. Both in person and via social media.

Anyway he's now shagging seeing her and she is clearly happy with the situation.

I know it's all perfectly illegal and their mutual friends, who are mostly in their 20's, are totally un-phased by this but as far as I'm concerned she's still a child while he's a grown man, albeit she's quite a mature 18 year old. I think that one of the reasons it bothers me is that she's only about 18 months older than my eldest child.

WIBU to tell him I think he's being a bit of a sleaze or should I just keep out of it especially as she was the driving force in them getting together.

OP posts:
Peanutandphoenix · 04/05/2017 04:41

She's not a child in the eyes of the law she's an adult. Keep your nose out of their business it's got nothing to do with you.

Expat38matt · 04/05/2017 05:03

Agree it's a bit awkward but none of your business and not your place to comment to him about it! Neither are hurting anyone regardless of the outside perception!
I also wonder what on earth a 31 year old would have in common with an 18 year old!
DH and I (mid 30s) considered ourselves pretty cool until we hosted our business partners 18 year old son - never felt so old or out of touch and had no idea what he was on about most of the time regarding music genres, social media etc!!
Having said that when I was a skinny and sexy 18-21 year old ingenue (!!!) I'll admit to the inappropriate persuing of a couple of older guys and having flings. In fact if I'm honest I may have been 16- but was 5'11 and looked way older and acted that way!

Anyway the point is that it is mutual and obviously both having fun. Leave them too it. It's likely to run its course in time!

Sample1936 · 04/05/2017 05:13

He is sleazy. Do you want to be friends with sleazy?

pigeondujour · 04/05/2017 05:26

I don't think they need that much in common other than fancying each other at this stage. If they were getting married then maybe. Although all my relationships have had similar age gaps and actually there's plenty you can have in common years apart.

aSleepyPrincess · 04/05/2017 05:54

Good grief, she is 18 not 12!!! Not all 18 year old WOMEN are sweet naive girls with no idea what the big bad man is afterConfused As for calling him a sleaze, really? She is an adult and the sooner we stop treating people like delicate snowflakes the better IMHO.

sueelleker · 04/05/2017 06:03

I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 30, married him at 21, and we've been married for nearly 43 years. No problem.

n0ne · 04/05/2017 06:12

I met stbxh when I was 17 and he 28. He was no more mature than me, I can assure you! And we were at the same stage in life - working, uni, going out with mates, houseshares, playing computer games - he certainly wasn't looking for mortgage/marriage/kids at that point. Felt like a completely equal relationship.

So it totally depends on the maturity level of both of them. At 17/18, I honestly didn't know anyone my age who was a sweet, innocent schoolgirl, but I hear such things exist Wink

Mupflup · 04/05/2017 06:18

I had a 30 year old boyfriend when I was 18, and he was lovely. My mum was appalled by the idea initially but when she saw how well he treated me she came round to it eventually. I dumped him about a year later and broke his heart poor chap. The boyfriends that came afterwards were not so nice to me and she used to look wistfully at me and say "I wish you'd stayed with Andrew, he was so much nicer than this one".

That said, if I had an 18 year old daughter now and she told me she had a 30 year old boyfriend I would be very suspicious of his motives, at least initially. So double standards for me!

nooka · 04/05/2017 06:21

I thought I was super mature when I was 19 and moved in with my now dh (although he too was 19 so no age gap issues). Now my children are nearing the same age I look back and realise just how young I was back then. Of course ten years later I had learned and grown in all sorts of ways. I'd be a bit concerned to meet a 30 year old who truly was no more mature than a teenager. I certainly expect my teenagers to be quite different people in 10-15 years time.

likeababyelephant · 04/05/2017 06:24

It's not illegal, but the law is not always right.

I'd say it's immoral.

SuperBeagle · 04/05/2017 06:27

It's not illegal, but the law is not always right.

So when do you suggest someone should be considered an adult capable of making their own choices? Hmm

Frillyhorseyknickers · 04/05/2017 06:30

As an 18 year old schoolgirl, I was neither naieve nor innocent and the relationship I had with someone 14 years my senior was very informative.

likeababyelephant · 04/05/2017 06:33

So when do you suggest someone should be considered an adult capable of making their own choices?

In this day and age, I'd say it's slightly older.

I bet you're one of those people who would have a problem if the person in OPs scenario was 17.11 years old and not 18.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 04/05/2017 06:36

In this day and age, I'd say it's slightly older.

In this day and age there are plenty of people not capable of making decisions regardless of age - but you can't legislate against idiots?

honeylulu · 04/05/2017 06:41

I was 20 when I met my husband who was then 34. We are still happily together 23 years later, married 17 years, two children.
The age gap bothered others but not us. It has seemed less and less significant as time has passed.
The only thing about it that has worried me is whether he'll be around for our youngest by the time she's an adult. We were 39 and 53 when she was born. But OTOH people can pop their clogs at any age!
I was quite stoical/ mature though and I also looked older than I was and he looked younger. This might have reduced the creep-factor for those who chose to judge.

user1471517900 · 04/05/2017 06:51

Honestly don't get why he's being a sleaze. Nobody is being ill-treated here. Two people are having fun and currently happy. There's no reason at all to prevent this. Nobody is being used. Nobody is doing something against their will. It's absolutely fine.

Expat38matt · 04/05/2017 07:04

Had a think back and realized I had a 21 year old boyfriend at uni when doing my gcses! He was a v nice boy and my parents liked him but I can't help wondering what they thought of it all!! They did draw the line at me going to his uni for overnight visits ! We dated for over a year! His mates must've thought it was odd him dating me though looking back but I never thought and still don't think he was creepy !! I was gorgeous and quite mature and fun ha ha !!
I actually think there were a few older guys I dallied with when I was young. It was a thrill for them and for me!
What I'm saying is if both parties are having fun then who cares ? If you keep out of it and don't be judgey then if it fizzles out you won't have lost your friendship ! If it turns into a relationship and you value the friend then you'll just have to bite your tongue and get to know her !

pigeondujour · 04/05/2017 07:05

In this day and age, I'd say it's slightly older.

Why in this day and age?

QueenofLouisiana · 04/05/2017 07:08

Here's the problem:
As a mum I would be horrified (but would probably try to choke it down) if DS was 18 and sleeping with a 31 year old woman- or bloke come to that. I'd be hugely concerned about what would happen in that relationship, different expectations about commitment, children etc.

As an 18 year old I was in a LTR with a man 7 years older than me and had been since just after my 16th birthday. It didn't feel sleazy, it was a good relationship for 5 years. I knew exactly what I was doing, as did lots of my (sheltered, independently educated) school friends.

FWIW, my parents accepted there was nothing they could do and welcomed the boyfriend into our family. I think they decided it was better to be able to know what was happening than turn it into a clandestine love affair!

jellyfrizz · 04/05/2017 07:16

Isn't there a well established rule to check the appropriate-ness of the age gap in a relationship?

Half your age + 7 years is the ok point. Below that = morally dodgy.

So he's a sleaze.

noeffingidea · 04/05/2017 07:21

in this day and age I'd say it's slightly older
what, you think the age of majority should be increased again? That would be a backward step. Not everyone infantalises teenagers you know.

noeffingidea · 04/05/2017 07:23

jellyfrizz established by whom? You?

Railgunner1 · 04/05/2017 07:24

Why do you even care? Jealous? Hmm

Daytona79 · 04/05/2017 07:24

It's creepy..

BadKnee · 04/05/2017 07:25

No problem - and certainly no sleaze. That was the age gap between me and my DP. Never a problem.