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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be surprised / disappointed by the lack of doing Dutch / women paying on First Dates?

106 replies

helpmesusan · 02/05/2017 22:36

Seriously, in 2017? Men ALWAYS seem to pay. Some of the women actually get pissed off if they don't.

Can this be a true representation of RL?

OP posts:

FelixtheMouse · 02/05/2017 22:43

It's been a long time since I dated, but I never found a woman willing to pay her way on a first date.

lifesjoys · 02/05/2017 22:46

I always offer to pay first (I'm female), if they say no then I offer to go Dutch.

However, it always turns into a standoff because neither will back down.

VanillaFruitAndVegTorturer · 02/05/2017 22:46

For the record, I always offered to split the bill when I was on a first date.

gunsandbanjos · 02/05/2017 22:48

I am female and always either offer to pay or go Dutch.

Would never just assume that the man would pay!

WildBelle · 02/05/2017 22:49

I think blokes are conscious that they're on the telly and want to appear like mr nice guy. Don't know if it's representative of real life.

Remember seeing one where the date seemed to have gone really well, and at the end the bloke said 'shall we split the bill. She clearly thought he was joking at first and when she realised he was seriously she looked like she'd been slapped!

Moanyoldcow · 02/05/2017 22:50

I always offered to split and was always rebuffed but was perfectly happy to pay half. With my now husband we'd regularly (when dating) treat the other or split.

I agree OP - the expectation is outdated.

Racheyg · 02/05/2017 22:50

On my first date with oh we went Dutch. I insisted, and I can be quite stubborn. Even now 7 1/2 years down the line quite a lot is split 50/50

Obsidian77 · 02/05/2017 22:50

I've no idea. How many first dates have you been on in 2017?

mintinbox · 02/05/2017 22:51

The tv show? Surely it's paid for by c4?

catgirl1976 · 02/05/2017 22:52

I would always offer to go dutch but unless I knew it was a non-starter I'd be secretly a bit disappointed if he accepted (at least straight away and despite being an ardent feminist - I just think it's manners)

That's first date only. After that I'd want to split or take turns

I'm more disappointed by the way the programme seems to really well match people but then when there's some sort of disability or social issue they just seem to take that as the match point IYSWIM, rather than thinking they need to go beyond the fact that both people are deaf or whatever and there might be more to them than that. Really annoyed me tonight for some reason.

But I am in love with Fred so I will keep watching

sonlypuppyfat · 02/05/2017 22:53

I have never ever paid on a date. One date I went on he asked me to take my turn, I didn't see him again.

SmhShakingMyHead · 02/05/2017 22:55

I always offer to split and then I offer once more in a "are you sure? Because I don't mind."

Still no then I will let him pay the full amount.

Worst date was when he said to me "well I guess you'll want me to pay for yours too then" ... whilst we were in the queue at Nando's

hazeydays14 · 02/05/2017 22:55

It doesn't shock me that so many of the men refuse to accept the split, I suppose it's the traditionally 'polite' thing to do. I always feel dreadful when the guy is really in to the girl who doesn't feel the same but let's him pick up the tab because there won't be another date for her to pay etc. so that they're even.

I do hate it when the man asks to split and the woman refuses. I believe there was one episode where the woman didn't even take any form of payment with her, unbelievable.

I would always offer to split. Me and my DP take it in turns to pick up the bill now but I'm sure he used to refuse my money before we were an 'official' couple.

I don't think it's necessarily a fair representation but I'm intrigued as to what others think.

Lessthanaballpark · 02/05/2017 22:55

I always used to offer to pay / open doors for men.

It just leads to standoffs where you feel like if you continue you'll be emasculating the bloke. So you just smile politely and feel annoyed.

GiraffeorOcelot · 02/05/2017 22:56

sonlypuppyfat seriously?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 02/05/2017 22:56

Who does the asking out does the paying.

sonlypuppyfat · 02/05/2017 22:58

Seriously, but it has been 30yrs since I last dated, DH stuck around so I couldn't have been that awful

Original poster

helpmesusan · 02/05/2017 23:00

the lesbians are really annoying me actually.

But I love Fred too....the truth is, he's the main reason I watch it.

OP posts:

msgrinch · 02/05/2017 23:02

You split the bill surely? Or if a second date is arranged then one oays for the first and the other pays the next and so on.

People claiming to be feminists yet being disappointed when the man doesn't pay, behave. Its not manners for the man to pay! Get over yourself your ovaries don't mean you shouldnt pay for your food. You pay your own way especially on the first date.

DJBaggySmalls · 02/05/2017 23:02

I used to talk this over before the date, and wouldn't date men that wont go Dutch.

GiraffeorOcelot · 02/05/2017 23:05

sonlypuppyfat that is slightly different, I thought you had that attitude to dating now!

SpiritedLondon · 02/05/2017 23:05

Yes bonkers if you're invited out for dinner and they've chosen the restaurant then I would not expect to pay ( although I would offer to go Dutch). If they took me up on it I would be disappointed but would obviously suck it up. If I asked them out then I would expect to pay at the end. Drinks on the other hand are different. I would hope that they would buy the first one and then I'd expect us to alternate after that. I have discussed this recently with a number of guys that I work with and none of them would expect the woman to pay on the first date.....all these guys were in their 40s or 50s so perhaps it's a generational thing?

StaringAndSquinting · 02/05/2017 23:05

I think a lot depends on who asks who.

Hypothetical situation:

If a man approached me in a bar and we got chatting etc and then he asked if he could take me for dinner sometime I think then he should pay as he invited me.

If I was chatting to a bloke and liked him, or say an office crush and asked if he wanted to go to the cinema I would expect to pay.

In the first situation I would still offer half but would be put out if he accepted as it is a bit rude. I remember one guy I dated who asked if he could "buy me dinner". He arranged to meet me at a street food market and we ended up eating some takeaway food out of a polystyrene tray. When it came to paying he said: "I suppose I did say I'd pay for this didn't I..." And reluctantly parted with a tenner.

catgirl1976 · 02/05/2017 23:05

If I think there will be a second date I'll offer to go dutch but be pleased if he pays and think that was a nice gesture

If I know there will be no second date I would insist on paying or splitting the bill

I don't think I have to hand my feminist card in for that

I would never have a second date with a man who was a stingy tipper or rude to waiting staff.

I am also talking like it hasn't been 20 years since I was on a date. (Unless you count DH and I suppose technically I always pay as I work and he's a FT student but we don't have separate money, just "family money" so it's not really an issue)

Obsidian77 · 02/05/2017 23:06

Oh it's a tv show? Maybe see if you can edit your title, otherwise it sounds like quite a goady thread.

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