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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be surprised / disappointed by the lack of doing Dutch / women paying on First Dates?

106 replies

helpmesusan · 02/05/2017 22:36

Seriously, in 2017? Men ALWAYS seem to pay. Some of the women actually get pissed off if they don't.

Can this be a true representation of RL?

OP posts:

StaringAndSquinting · 02/05/2017 23:07

Cross post with Spirited

tissuesosoft · 02/05/2017 23:08

The worst ones for me is when they accept or expect the other to pay for the meal but have no intention of meeting up with them again

VibrantAmI · 02/05/2017 23:11

The second to last chap I dated insisted on paying, even though I really wanted to pay half. It put me off him. I felt he wasn't listening to me. I ate half the food, so why shouldn't I pay half?

The last chap I dated, I asked if we could split the bill. He said he was happily to spilt the bill but would also have been happy to pay. He's now my DH.

On a possibly related note, I'm a SAHM and he earns good money. We get equal spending money after bills. He's a good man.

MammaTJ · 02/05/2017 23:12

I cannot actually muster the energy to care. They all seemed happy with the outcome and I think even in the most feminist of situations, that is what matters.

Garlicansapphire · 02/05/2017 23:19

I always split the bill.

By the way, what happened to the Rugby player and american who were speaking spanish?

StrawberryMouse · 02/05/2017 23:19

I wouldn't be thrilled to pay on the first date either. Not sure why, quite surprised at myself but it just feels more polite (?) for the man to pay. I suppose with online dating etc some of these guys would go bankrupt though.

jamdonut · 02/05/2017 23:26

When DH first asked me out, he paid for drinks and a meal. After that, and once established as a couple , we shared bills, unless it was for a birthday or other special occasion, and the one of us doing the taking out paid.
There's no shame in having someone pay for you !

jamdonut · 02/05/2017 23:27

That was 30+ years ago, though!

kel1493 · 02/05/2017 23:30

On my first date with my now husband, I paid for the meal and drinks for both of us.

Original poster

helpmesusan · 02/05/2017 23:41

I have found a chink in the feminist armour of MNetters!

slinks triumphantly off to bed***

OP posts:

FamilySpartan · 02/05/2017 23:43

I always offered to split on a first date. If it was someone I had seen more than once we would take turns. I would feel quite uncomfortable allowing men to pay all the time.

dailydance · 02/05/2017 23:47

The guys want to look like "nice guys" on the tellybox. It's not reflective of real life in my experience.

user1493759849 · 02/05/2017 23:59

Haven't been on a date for more than 2 decades!

However, I have heard many women say that although they would offer to 'go dutch' on a first date, they would be offended if the man accepted and took half off her, and probably wouldn't want to see him again, as they'd regard him as tight! LOL.

Best bet is to make the first date a coffee only.

SpookyPotato · 03/05/2017 13:21

Why do people play these games... stop offering to go half if you're not happy to actually do it. No wonder people get mixed messages.
I always used to insist on half as I like things equal but they all wanted to pay so I just made sure I got the first round of drinks in or paid entrance to somewhere.

SteppingOnToes · 03/05/2017 13:24

I use it as a way of guageing how a man will be in a long term relationship - sadly it's women who tend to end up forgoing careers for a family so it is good to find out on the first date if the guy is a tight fisted get who has the potential to be financially abusive when you are dependent on him

StripeyZazie · 03/05/2017 13:34

Round the parts I grew up in, it was code for whether you would wanted a second date or not.

Guy offers to pay- wants second date
Girl lets him- she wants second date too
Guy doesn't offer to pay- doesn't want second date
Girl insists on going Dutch- she doesn't want second date

It was just a way of letting people down gently. Similarly, with male friends/colleagues, going for a drink was rounds in turn. One person, either guy or girl, offering to get two rounds in a row was saying "I want to be more than friends/colleagues". Again, "Oh no, it's my turn" said firmly is a polite rebuff, with no face lost on either side.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 03/05/2017 13:42

I think the American lady and the rugby player were asking the French guy how to say a phrase in French. He said it then asked her how that same phrase would be said in Spanish.

Did they hit it off or go their separate ways ?

The curvy lady was well shot of the scruff bag who turned up for their date.

I felt so sorry for the widow who's husband died in hospital just four weeks after being admitted & had their 29th wedding anniversary in hospital. I'm glad she found someone she could talk to.

The posh lady who's date was describing how to cook game. Did they see each other again ?

worridmum · 03/05/2017 13:47

I hate this crap that whoever asks out (which basically means the man) should pay or expecting the man to pay for the first date even though there might not be a second is bloody sexist crap and should go away you cannot have equality only when it bloody suits you.

It's basically saying there should be a pay gap because a man's social /dating life costs more than a woman's so a man should be paid more so he can pay for women .

I had a friend that boosted she had free dinners most nights as she would continental going out on first dates continously and now wonders why few people will date her

C0untDucku1a · 03/05/2017 14:08

the last time i did a bit of dating was about 3 years ago, for a few dates with people i went out for drinks and bought rounds. Not very exciting as i was always drinking lemonade. With one guy we went on four dates, all with meals and he paid for the meals. We went to the cinema and i paid for popcorn and drinks and he paid for tickets.

With one guy, who had spoken at length about his lotus and amazing job as a lawyer and how well paid he now was He'd chosen the bar walking distance from His home as he was 'working late' that day and i was off so didn't mind driving. It took me an hour and a half to get there. Id misjudged the distance when it was arranged. We were buying rounds. I was drinking lemondae he was drinking pints. Meal never happened. Had to stop at mcd's on the way home. Was really Irritated.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/05/2017 14:15

Ok, I'm in the dating game. I am not materialistic at all and I do pay my way but for me personally how a guy behaves re buying drinks etc on a first date will influence whether I see them again. I'm not talking meals here, just drinks but I expect them to buy the first one and then if there are lots of awkward silences and empty glasses and I offer to buy the next one and they don't protest for some reason it does put me off. If I like them it wouldn't be a deal breaker but if I'm on the fence it would be. I have no logic behind that reasoning, and am aware it's not up with modern times, it just makes me think they are a bit tight that's all.

witsender · 03/05/2017 14:17

Much depends on who asks who surely?

SemiNormal · 03/05/2017 14:21

I wouldn't offer to pay for a mans meal on a first date, I have always offered to pay half though. If they have insisted on paying I've always insisted on at least buying them a drink. I've been asked to go to restaurants on first dates before that I personally find too pricey and wouldn't want to pay that much for a meal, so I've asked if we can arrange to go to a different one instead - if I wouldn't want to pay so much for a meal I wouldn't expect anyone else to pay that much for me either.

coragreta · 03/05/2017 14:29

Until the gender pay gap closes they should pay.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 03/05/2017 14:36

I've not seen the show, so no comment there.

I'm married (to my high-school sweetheart so no dating history thankfully), but if I weren't, I wouldn't pay on the first date. I'm traditional, I want a gentleman and a chivalrous man, and exactly how they behaved in this situation would tell me everything I needed to know.

nInachu · 03/05/2017 14:37

I always offer, but if someone asks to take me out I'm assuming they are going to pay...

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