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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be surprised / disappointed by the lack of doing Dutch / women paying on First Dates?

106 replies

helpmesusan · 02/05/2017 22:36

Seriously, in 2017? Men ALWAYS seem to pay. Some of the women actually get pissed off if they don't.

Can this be a true representation of RL?

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 03/05/2017 15:20

""Until the gender pay gap closes they should pay.""

It surely would depend on your income bracket/job role, then? Perhaps the posters on here are dating 'high earners' and hope to marry them. For the majority of people, especially in 'jobs' and Up North, earnings will be more equal. The 'man must pay' POV, would mean that a lot of men couldn't afford to date.

Unless you are a strong down, in some way, to whoever you are out with, then the bill should be split.

I'm quite surprised that a few posters who profess to be feminists are saying that really the man should pay (which would be a massive dilemma in a same gender relationship).

A Female Partner (SAHM) who does her male (working) DPs washing, or packing gets shouted down on here, but if you're single, you can get a free meal out of someone, because you've given them the pleasure of your company and that's ok Confused

alltoomuchrightnow · 03/05/2017 15:21

i've always split the bill.. wouldn't dream of expecting the guy to pay.
Or took it in turns
I'm with DP now, we didn't date as we are old friends
We stil split bill, or take in turns

Original poster
helpmesusan · 03/05/2017 15:22

I agree Birds, shock horror here! Shock

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 03/05/2017 15:23

""but if someone asks to take me out""

But we don't need taking out, we can go wherever we want.

If you meet someone new, how can he phrase it so he doesn't get stuck with the bill?

alltoomuchrightnow · 03/05/2017 15:24

BTW this is since dating in early 90s... I've always paid in full or half.
the only time the guy has paid all is if we're in a proper relationship and it's my b'day, say (and even then I've often paid for both) BTW I've never had well paid jobs!
I wouldn't feel comfortable letting someone pay in full, apart from DP now because I'm currently out of work due to injury - I mean in the past. Why should they be obliged to?

ShatnersWig · 03/05/2017 15:25

On the dating thread in Relationships a couple of months back there was a woman on there who is currently dating and refuses to pay for any dates and expects the man to pay every time. Her reason was because "he should feel lucky to be out with me and I've spent a lot of money on how I look, hair and make up, which he hasn't had to, so he should pay".

Man insists on paying - red flag, he's controlling
Man suggests going Dutch - red flag, he's a tightwad

Can't win!

Birdsgottaf1y · 03/05/2017 15:26

That should have been 'step down' from the payer.

We need to get rid of all this crap.

Nearly every DV relationship starts with him 'sweeping her off her feet' and her 'not having to put her hand in her pocket'.

Let's get on an equal footing on respect.

hesterton · 03/05/2017 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 03/05/2017 15:45

hesterton Good job I don't say I'm a feminist then, isn't it?

glitterglitters · 03/05/2017 15:46

I always offered to go Dutch when I was dating. Dh was completely confused by it and even more so when I offered to pay for our first meal out together.

My mum always said that men might expect things if they paid 😂

HotNatured · 03/05/2017 15:56

Would be v put off by a guy who didn't offer to pay for the first date. I always offer to pay half, but as far as I'm concerned if a guy wants to go Dutch on the first date, that's not the sort of guy I want to date. I will pay on the next date, but first dates are for the guy to sort. Guys who insist on going Dutch are invariably tight.

I always go Dutch if I don't intend on seeing the guy again.

I also like a guy to hold a door open for me. So shoot me Hmm

Amaretto77 · 03/05/2017 16:12

Agree HotNatured - I too would find it a complete turn off if a man didn't expect to pay, at least in the first few dates and he would be quickly in the friend zone. It's nothing to do with money, it's the gesture.

DH always paid for everything (this was 15 years ago) unless I sneaked something in. He was always a gentleman who bothered with gestures like opening the car door etc and he still is. This is far more sexy than someone who just treats you like one of his mates.

user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 16:22

Yeah I'm not a feminist either.

ExPresidents · 03/05/2017 17:19

Always depressing when women pronounce proudly 'I'm not a feminist'. We seriously are our own worst enemies sometimes.

I cannot understand the logic in 'it's a nice gesture' in this day and age. Nowadays, most women work and earn their own money. Why on earth should a man fork out time after time after time on a series of potentially awful dates and women coast along on a free ride for no reason whatsoever? It's embarrassing.

When I met my (now) DH we were both at uni, and equally skint, why should he have spent his hard earned pennies on me anymore than I should on him? We both liked each other. We split bills. We continue to do so. He is a very generous person and treats me often. I love to do the same for him.

ShatnersWig · 03/05/2017 17:20

Amaretto First date? Possibly. First few dates? Taking the piss a bit, surely. The danger of course is that while you would be turned off by a guy not paying for the first few dates, some guys would be turned off through assuming you were a gold-digger.

IheartDodo · 03/05/2017 17:31

I always split!
But then I am Dutch :)

Asmoto · 03/05/2017 17:35

Haven't been on the dating scene for years, but I always offered to pay my share.

TheFlis12345 · 03/05/2017 17:37

You should try dating in the Southern US. Guys there get properly offended if the girl tried to pay. I paid the check once when a guy was in the loo and he was mortified!

NewPapaGuinea · 03/05/2017 18:03

As a man I find these attitudes surprising. I thought women are increadingly independent so expecting the man to pay contradicts that somewhat... Saying that it's a good way to fathom out if a second date is on the cards.

youaredeluded · 03/05/2017 18:10

Well, I think it depends. When I met my husband I was a skint student and he earned 100k a year... so he would take me to places I couldn't afford in my wildest dreams, but I would do things for him like cook him nice meals and take him on dates that where almost free, but we're very tailored to him and a special interest we share. But usually on a first date I would offer to pay half... my dh wanted to take me to Paris, but I made him take me for a Chinese instead and then I took him to the Trocodero in Lecisyer Square to play stupid games.

youaredeluded · 03/05/2017 18:11

Oh god... just read that back... sounds always boastful and very outting... I didn't mean it to
o!

glitterglitters · 03/05/2017 18:12

I think it sounds lovely @youaredeluded ! I used to love the Trocadero back in the day :-)

Amaretto77 · 03/05/2017 18:15

If I was on a date and knew I didn't want to see him again, then I would make sure I paid for myself or for the whole thing, of course. But I'm not attracted to men who just treat you like their mate or haven't got a clue. It's boring and unattractive and if they don't go all out in the beginning then what hope is there?

milliemolliemou · 03/05/2017 18:22

If a woman or man invites someone out for something which is clearly a first date then they pay - but accept if the other one offers to buy drinks/offers to go halves. If the relationship goes on they can go Dutch even if either of them has much more money - that's up to them to decide.

Any woman who expects the man to pay all the time is very entitled and rather old fashioned. But if she gets what she wants fair enough - it takes all sorts. I'd rather pity her and her chap.

lasttimeround · 03/05/2017 18:24

Early dates I used to split. If later on someone made it clear they want to take me out - like they want to treat me- im fine with that. But would probably reciprocate. Never had the big income gap issue tho. Married for over a decade now so this may all be irrelevant