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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be surprised / disappointed by the lack of doing Dutch / women paying on First Dates?

106 replies

helpmesusan · 02/05/2017 22:36

Seriously, in 2017? Men ALWAYS seem to pay. Some of the women actually get pissed off if they don't.

Can this be a true representation of RL?

OP posts:

lasttimeround · 03/05/2017 18:28

Oh sorry it's a TV show.

lasttimeround · 03/05/2017 18:28

Oh sorry it's a TV show.

alwayslearning789 · 03/05/2017 18:29

So...if a guy does not offer to pay on the First date, then when does he offer to? Second date? Third date? Fourth date? Fifth date?

Agree with those that think it says something if he doesn't offer to pay on the first date.

Whether you are a feminist or not is not really the issue....

elfycat · 03/05/2017 18:35

I've always insisted on splitting the bill on a first date (female).

If the man throws a hissy fit about it then I will let him pay to prevent a stand-off - but that's the end of dating that man. I pay my own way in this life.

Of course now married for 13 years and with 2 kids to a man who shrugged and said 'sure whatever' and graciously split bills with me for a while, paying is a moot point as all income is joint.

User99573864 · 03/05/2017 18:43

I would always offer and always be refused, but if a man had asked to go Dutch I would have, to quibble over money is vulgar.

turbohamster · 03/05/2017 18:52

If a man refused to let me split the bill I'd take that as a sign he had rigid gender ideas and wasn't the one for me.

Lessthanaballpark · 03/05/2017 22:01

You can't really say you're a feminist and expect EXPECT a man to pay on a first date.

I don't think feminists do expect men to pay so it seems a bit of a cheap shot to accuse feminists for what other women do. To be sure why don't you post in FWR and my bet is you'd get a very different answer.

Lessthanaballpark · 03/05/2017 22:14

Also I should imagine that people can't help but judge other people's actions according to the norms of the time regardless of their personal ideological beliefs.

If you are a bit miffed when a man wants to go Dutch it's not necessarily because you think men should pay but because you're so used to being told that a man paying is a sign of interest that you are understandably worried that such a man isn't interested in you.

latebreakfast · 03/05/2017 22:37

"I'm not a feminist"

Happy to do all the housework then? Or let him control all the money?
If you take a stereotypical role from the start then you're likely to keep it.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 03/05/2017 22:40

latebreakfast. I would be very happy with both those things.

hesterton · 03/05/2017 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 03/05/2017 23:03

Yes I would. I am no feminist and I do not believe the genders are or should be equal.

elektrawoman · 03/05/2017 23:10

ignoring What's goady posts above
Well it's been a while since I dated but I always felt uncomfortable on dates if a man paid for it, as then I felt there was an expectation I would carry on dating him. I much preferred paying for my own share.

elektrawoman · 03/05/2017 23:15

Also I have noticed on First Dates that the gay couples always split the bill - I do think it's an outdated idea that the man pays. I remember one really cringy date where it was obviously going really badly (on both sides) and the woman didn't even offer to pay, she just insisted the guy paid. I thought that was out of order.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 03/05/2017 23:15

I'm not being goady, I'm stating my opinion when asked a question.

elektrawoman · 03/05/2017 23:32

Ok if you say so

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 03/05/2017 23:36

I do say so

hesterton · 03/05/2017 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 03/05/2017 23:44

No, I'm a married woman.

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 03/05/2017 23:51

My dp paid for our first date, but we'd known each other for a while and he lost a bet.
After that we alternated, unless one of us was skint, but the other still wanted to go out.
Although I do hate splitting the bill on a date, I would do it on a first date, but it never feels very date like, I'd rather pay the whole bill (tended to go with whoever asked payed)

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 03/05/2017 23:52

Just realised that that sounds like he lost a bet with someone and had to go on a date with me. To rephrase, we had a bet and whoever lost had to pay.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 03/05/2017 23:57

This is where I become very conflicted. I am a firm feminist. I also love free food.

I offer to pay, then offer to go Dutch, then secretly fist-pump and whisper "yessss" when I get free food.

I'm married, but that's how date nights with DH tend to go anyway I mean, it's basically shared money so it's not even free food, but it feels like it, and that's the important thing

Fruitbat1980 · 04/05/2017 00:35

Apparently the TV show subsidise £25 per head. So bill can't be massive (can it? Dunno not eaten there as would be too disappointed Fred wasn't there in real life!)
I like when they get on and the woman offers, bloke resists (or vice Versa) and woman offers to pick it up 'next time' this assuring partner their will be a next time. If your not planning on a second date then go Dutch. Simples.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/05/2017 00:54

I'm another who hasn't been in the game for 30 + years. Back then, the man paid. I do remember paying for two dates but it was for things I wanted to do that the 'man of the moment' didn't really want to do.

Based on my son's experiences these days I'd say that whoever asks for the first date pays. After that it's dutch treat until the relationship is exclusive, then they always seemed go with 'whoever's idea it was' or whoever had the money paid unless it was something expensive (dutch) or a special occasion for one of them (the other paid).

Too complicated for me.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/05/2017 00:59

My dp is quite a bit older so you could say. He's old school. He won't hear of a women putting her hand in her pocket. Not that I'm moaning, mind

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