To be resentful of DH after only a week of sharing a bedroom again?

[Writerwannabe83]

For the last 18 months or so me and DH have had separate bedrooms for various reasons and it has been heavenly.

We would spend our evenings together, move to his room for film/tv/sex/chilling or whatever and then when it came to going to bed I would head off to my room.

However, I'm now pregnant with DC2 and to cut a long story short, to make way for our upcoming arrival me and DH are now back in the same bedroom and it's driving me MAD!

He moved into 'my' room about a week ago and I'm finding the transition back to sharing a room at night really difficult. The first night we shared the room again I ended up migrating to our toddlers room at about 2am because I just couldn't cope with DH's tossing, turning and snoring.

Since that first night he's spent a further two nights on the sofa because he knows he's keeping me awake at night.

It's currently 00.50am and I'm wide awake drinking a cup of tea after DH has yet again made his way to the sofa because I find it impossible to sleep when he's next to me. His snoring is so irritating, he makes loads of annoying sleep noises and even the sound of his loud heavy sleeping breathing grates on me. I lie awake, tired but unable to sleep and I feel myself just getting more and more annoyed.

Every now and then tonight he'd stir, realise I was still awake and say, "How come you aren't asleep darling?" and I would feel like screaming.

I miss my own space, I miss being able to have early nights if I want them, I miss being able to sit up and read a book if I want to and I miss being able to fall asleep in the peace and quiet and know I'm going to have a restful sleep.

I'm actually having to take 2 hourly naps in the afternoon now to make up for the fact that I can't sleep at night now we're room sharing again. I'm so tired.

I'm pretty sure he's missing having his own room too and I think he feels bad that he's preventing me from getting a good night sleep anymore.

I can't bear the thought of this being long-term. I obviously love the bones of DH but I just can't see how this is going to work. Perhaps I should give it more time for me to get used to sharing again and hope I can learn to drown out all his fidgeting and snoring but I'm worried it's just going to cause arguments and rifts between us.

Sorry for the long post, I'm just exhausted and frustrated and needed to rant

I would go back to the previous arrangement until the baby is born. My DH also snores although not as badly as yours, by the sound of it, and I find myself least tolerant during pregnancy! How many weeks are you? Remember how impossible good sleep is anyway by the third trimester. You have to do whatever you can, with ridiculous pillows, hundreds of loo visits, restless legs, backache, heartburn etc etc to contend with.

In the meantime, I would also agree about going to the GP to try to work out why he's snoring so loudly. Sleep apnoea is actually quite serious and associated with other health conditions, so maybe he needs a bit of a lifestyle overhaul? Is he overweight? Does he have a history of asthma? I'm sure he will also be feeling better and livelier during the day-time if he can get higher quality sleep at night.

A friend of mine who snores badly recently did an assessment with a private clinic where you are on monitors all night. He was horrified to realise that as he snored away he was actually stopping breathing several times a night and his blood oxygen level was going right down. He is now looking into getting minor surgery.

We can't go back to the old arrangement as all the bedroom furniture, including his actual bed, has been destroyed and gone to the Tip. If DH moved back into his old room he'd be sleeping on the floor in a room decorated with Paw Patrol wallpaper surrounded by lego and toy cars

He's not overweight and is actually very fit and healthy, goes to the gym, plays a lot of sport etc.

I do recall him mentioning he had asthma as a child though so I might bring that back up and get the details.

He is tired a lot of the time when I think about it, he just generally seems drained.

I work much longer hours than him on the days I work, I do the majority of the childcare/housework (I'm home more often), it's me who would get up at night with DS each night and I would still have more energy than him every day. He would come home from work, collapse on the sofa and say how tired he felt and I used to wonder how that could be when every night he was getting far more sleep than I was. Occasionally he would fall asleep on the sofa.

I spoke to him last night about general fatigue/exhaustion being another sign of sleep apnoea but he put it down to just having a toddler and a job. That's when I reiterated my point above about how mine and his lives compare but that he's still always far more tired than I am.

And I meant to add, to the poster who asked, that I'm 25 weeks pregnant.

My husband is a huge snorer. He does not have sleep apnoea but is still being seen by the sleep clinic now to try some options out. FWIW....

• install and use 'snorelab' on your phone (free). It's fodder to see how much he's snoring, patterns, levels etc. It might help him to see it too, to motivate him to seek some help.

• your layout. So (is this right) you have a kitchen downstairs, then one up you have a living room (small) and 2 more bedrooms. DC's and the other room which you had as part playroom part living room. And then the 'main' bedroom up again....?

I'd move DC into the bigger middle floor bedroom, with the toys. I'd get a decent sofa bed in the living room. Store the bedding in a blanket box in the DC room. Once DC in bed you can make the sofa bed up, snuggle, watch a film, sex, whatever. At bedtime you go up to your room. That leaves you the room littlest DC is in for the new baby, or alternatively, if it turns out DC can share as they get older then stick a single in the smallest room.

You have my sympathies.

your layout. So (is this right) you have a kitchen downstairs, then one up you have a living room (small) and 2 more bedrooms. DC's and the other room which you had as part playroom part living room. And then the 'main' bedroom up again....?

Our layout:

Ground floor is a dining room and a kitchen and toilet.

Middle floor is the two living areas (w was our one living area and DH's bedroom).

Upper floor is our bedroom (was mine), DS's bedroom and our main bathroom.

OP if your husband is as considerate as you describe then he needs to get himself to the GP and ask for a referral to a sleep clinic. Snoring that loud is not normal but is common with sleep apnoea.

More to the point sleep apnoea will not go away on its own (assuming its not caused by significant overweight or drinking) and carries some fairly significant health risks. If he is willing to go and sleep on the sofa every night so that you and DC can sleep (because as they get older he will wake them as well) then why is he not willing to get checked out?

The sleep clinic can assess for apnoea and other sleep disorders. Honesly if he had a broken leg would he refuse to get it fixed?

(yes, I live with a CPAP machine user!)

Yes. It can be sleep apnoea my DH doesn't snore all night, but he snores every night if that makes sense. When he does it is loud. Even though I'm completely over it when he snores then stops breathing and then wakes himself with a splutter it's scary. He should wear his CPAP every night but sometimes he doesn't.

Sleep apnoea has so many roll on effects in your waking life... poor work performance from tiredness, irritability which causes relationship friction, can lead onto depression and anxiety; Can lead to stroke as every time you stop breathing you are starving your body of oxygen, And many other problems.

The sleep clinic might even be able to resolve it without a cpap.

Do get him to go to the gp. My DH has for exhaustion and bizarrely it turns out he has coeliac disease. We would never have guessed that as food/digestion didn't seem to be an issue but constant exhaustion, skin irritations and picking up bugs which are hard to shake were the symptoms. Our amazing gp added the test into a whole load of blood tests and a biopsy to confirm. He does snore (so maybe this could be solved!!!) and it is a nightmare but we have a spare room which we both regularly use if getting up early. It is our saviour!!
Hopefully he can do something to reduce the snoring soon for you.

Thanks guys, I will mention it to him again.

Can sleep apnoea just suddenly come on as pre-DC we shared a room for about 4 years and although he snored a little bit it never kept me up or lead us to sleep separately so I don't understand why it's so bad now? Is it a condition that can just worsen over time?

Thank you for the recommendation if that App, I will look into it later and like you say, it may encourage DH to take action if he can see something is amiss. When I mentioned him going to his GP he didn't say no but I think he thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill

My DH has for exhaustion and bizarrely it turns out he has coeliac disease. We would never have guessed that as food/digestion didn't seem to be an issue but constant exhaustion, skin irritations and picking up bugs which are hard to shake.....

DH's mom had Coeliac (she has now passed away) is it a condition that can be genetic? He doesn't have skin irritations but he gets mouth ulcers all the time and when he does get a bug (he's very prone to nasty coughs, really chesty and phkegmy to the point he can hardly breathe during a coughing fit) and it can take him absolute weeks to get over them. He does seem to be generally quite a run down person sometimes.

Coeliac is strongly heritable, afaik. I'm reading with interest as I'm also struggling with a DH moving back into our bed now the children are sleeping better (i.e. Not coming into our bed so much). Love him, but the SNORING!

We got a Casper mattress and, despite DH turning into Mr Kicky as soon as he falls asleep, I just don't feel him thrashing around anymore.

Could you afford a new mattress?

His movements I can live with, to be far my restless fidgeting is probably far worse than his but it's the noise I can't cope with. It can't just be normal snoring, it just can't be.

I'm going to google the signs/symptoms of coeliac and see if any of them fit him....

Do you need a dining room? Why not have kitchen play room downstairs, then living room upstairs and then keep bedrooms as is?

My son with coeliac was a bit of a snorter pre diagnosis. He didn't have marks digestive issues. It was more fatigue and lethargy plus mood disruption. And failure to put on weight as a child. Also mouth ulcers and nasal polyps.

Do you need a dining room? Why not have kitchen play room downstairs?

We really like all eating together though as opposed to trays on our laps in the living room. Plus the parents come over quite frequently for dinner so it's nice to all sit together. Never mind the horror of the thought of traipsing up and down stairs with our trays and plates. You can just imagine someone tripping up on a step and spilling their spaghetti bolognese all over the stair carpets and up the wallpaper

That's interesting Abraiid2 - I might broach the possibility with DH.

My parents are similar, they credit the fact they've been married for 30 years to the fact they have one super-king sized bed frame, with two singles mattresses in the frame rather than one mattress, so if one person is tossing and turning or getting up out of bed a lot, the other can barely feel them doing it and it doesn't disturb them. You've got the space, it sounds like a good idea.

me and dh sleep separtely i sympathise as when we go away we obviously share a room an we both hate it

I sympathise op, snoring is often regarded as trivial and amusing but it is really soul destroying to the person left awake.

Dh and I have slept separately for years and I could not go back to sharing- even on holiday we make sure there is a sofa bed. Although funnily enough we sometimes have a night in the local premier inn sharing a bed and he doesn't seem to snore then - I don't know if it's the mattress or the fact that they're really big beds so maybe he can lie in a better position and therefore not snore?

We have a single memory foam mattress that during the day is kept upright between cupboards, and dh brings it in the living room to sleep. I sleep in my own room which is most definitely 'my' room! Occasionally I accept gentleman callers . Dh is not bothered where he sleeps as long as he is undisturbed - I used to wake him every time his snoring woke me.

Re; your restless legs, I take ropinirole which works wonderfully. I really notice if I forget to take it.

Its the same in my house. Dp gets a lovely nights sleep every night, snoring away like a power drill next to me. Gets annoyed when I nudge him to ask him to turn over as I "disturb him".
I now sleep in my DDs bottom bunk bed (its heaven) I go to bed with DP and as soon as he drops off I get up, grab my pillows and go to the other room. It doesn't bother me sleeping In the other room but DP has actually got the cheek to say it upsets him that he doesn't get to wake up next to me!!! Our sex life has drastically suffered so ive told him to go and get it sorted (or at lest try) .

Definately change your sofa order to a sofa bed. You are suffering now and that isn't going to inprove with a new baby stealing even more of your sleep. At least it gives you another option.

I feel your pain. Luckily we have a spare room!

However, I can recommend these ear plugs which I use when we go on holiday (you know - that time when you are supposed to be able to relax!!)

Link www.amazon.co.uk/Design-Go-449-Design-Go-Quiet/dp/B003FFEHW4/ref=sr_1_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=149381&tag=mumsnetforum-21

I think fundamentally you need a bigger house than you have, the fact you need two living rooms and a dining room is what's causing the issue here. If you can't fit a table into the kitchen then it does indeed reduce you to a two bedroom house. The only solution is to have a sofa bed elsewhere so one of the living rooms or dining room can change into a bedroom when required.

You will also need it if folks come to stay overnight as right now you're prioritising having three reception rooms at the expense of a bedroom.

The only solution is to have a sofa bed elsewhere so one of the living rooms or dining room can change into a bedroom when required.

In a few months our second living room/play room is actually going to become DS's bedroom which will then take us back to a three bedded house as aside from his room there will be two other bedrooms on the top floor.

I can only commiserate op, my DH even snores if he fails asleep sitting up! We have slept in separate rooms for 30 years- it was that or me ending up murdering him. I could (and have) literally pushed him out of bed onto the floor without him waking up and still continued to snore. He's not overweight, in fact he's skinny, but I can hear him snore through the floorboards 😡
I hate sharing a bed with him!