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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be resentful of DH after only a week of sharing a bedroom again?

137 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2017 01:01

For the last 18 months or so me and DH have had separate bedrooms for various reasons and it has been heavenly.

We would spend our evenings together, move to his room for film/tv/sex/chilling or whatever and then when it came to going to bed I would head off to my room.

However, I'm now pregnant with DC2 and to cut a long story short, to make way for our upcoming arrival me and DH are now back in the same bedroom and it's driving me MAD!

He moved into 'my' room about a week ago and I'm finding the transition back to sharing a room at night really difficult. The first night we shared the room again I ended up migrating to our toddlers room at about 2am because I just couldn't cope with DH's tossing, turning and snoring.

Since that first night he's spent a further two nights on the sofa because he knows he's keeping me awake at night.

It's currently 00.50am and I'm wide awake drinking a cup of tea after DH has yet again made his way to the sofa because I find it impossible to sleep when he's next to me. His snoring is so irritating, he makes loads of annoying sleep noises and even the sound of his loud heavy sleeping breathing grates on me. I lie awake, tired but unable to sleep and I feel myself just getting more and more annoyed.

Every now and then tonight he'd stir, realise I was still awake and say, "How come you aren't asleep darling?" and I would feel like screaming.

I miss my own space, I miss being able to have early nights if I want them, I miss being able to sit up and read a book if I want to and I miss being able to fall asleep in the peace and quiet and know I'm going to have a restful sleep.

I'm actually having to take 2 hourly naps in the afternoon now to make up for the fact that I can't sleep at night now we're room sharing again. I'm so tired.

I'm pretty sure he's missing having his own room too and I think he feels bad that he's preventing me from getting a good night sleep anymore.

I can't bear the thought of this being long-term. I obviously love the bones of DH but I just can't see how this is going to work. Perhaps I should give it more time for me to get used to sharing again and hope I can learn to drown out all his fidgeting and snoring but I'm worried it's just going to cause arguments and rifts between us.

Sorry for the long post, I'm just exhausted and frustrated and needed to rant Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2017 07:41

Because we needed to get the living room areas sorted before the baby arrives because as our layout was there just wasn't enough space. I dream of the day we come into some money so we can move out and just live in a normal house where everything can just be on the same level.

Our kitchen and living room are on different floors and it's a bloody nightmare. When it comes to cooking dinner of an evening I either have to leave DS upstairs on his own or I have him running around in the kitchen with me where's he's trying to open cupboards and touch the oven and hob etc, it's a nightmare. It's a case of weighing up which option is riskier.

It's just a really annoying house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2017 07:43

DS was in with me until he was 10 months old and despite numerous night time wakings I was still getting more sleep with him in the room than I do when sharing with DH Confused

OP posts:
AliceTown · 02/05/2017 07:45

Has he been checked for sleep apnoea?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2017 07:47

alice - he's never been to his GP about it because I suppose it doesn't bother him as he's asleep. I will do a little reading up about it today and talk to him about it tonight. He's not one for visiting his GP (he'd have to be on his death bed) but I think he can potentially see how much this issue may come between us and he will address it if I ask.

OP posts:
AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 02/05/2017 07:54

Can you get your DH to try a snore ring? It sounds mad but it works- my DH has one and when he wears it he doesn't really snore. It helps a lot. You can get them on Amazon, the brand DH uses is Fire at Will. It's the least intrusive of the snoring treatments and has saved me from a life sentence for his murder.

AliceTown · 02/05/2017 07:57

I was really firm with my DH in the end. He didn't like sleeping apart but the off the shelf snoring aids didn't help. I don't like conflict but I eventually told him he was being selfish, and that I'd had enough, and that if he didn't go to the doctors we would be sleeping together anymore.

He went to the doctors and literally said "I'm here because my wife will divorce me if I don't come" and the doctor said "snoring?" I think it's really common problem and it does have a huge impact. Don't be afraid to be firm if he's ignoring how it affects you.

Onthehighseas · 02/05/2017 08:00

My DH is a snorer. I put my pillow down the other end of the bed and wear ear plugs. Doing both of those things is just about enough to keep his noise at bay. I also adjust DH's head when he is snoring - making sure his jaw is lifted to keep his airway as clear as possible. That helps.

Best of luck Flowers

cheeseandpineapple · 02/05/2017 08:09

Sofa bed or day bed in one of the living rooms which can be easily made up for your husband to sleep in whilst he gets treatment to sort out his snoring. It might end up being a long term solution but if the option is comfortable for him and works for everyone then go with it for as long as you all need or want.

Nan0second · 02/05/2017 08:09

Wax ear plugs are the way forward. Plus exemplary sleep hygiene for me. (No caffeine after 3pm, no screens in bed, avoid excess alcohol).
Recommend quies for ear plugs (on Amazon) - v comfy

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2017 08:09

Some nights I don't hear a peep out of him but other nights he's like a rocket.

He looked so tired this morning when I went downstairs to him that it just reiterated to me how inane this is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2017 08:12

cheese - last week we ordered a new suite for the living room and one of the options was to have a sofa bed as opposed to just a normal sofa but because we it didn't even occur to me as I wasn't thinking me and DH would have a long-term sleeping problem. We've got to finalise our order over the next few days so I think tonight I will say to DH that even though it will cost us more I think we should swap to the sofa bed style.

OP posts:
sizeofalentil · 02/05/2017 08:14

Have you tried a sleep/relaxation hypnosis tape before bed? I use a Paul mackenna one from YouTube. Means I am in a deep sleep by the time dh starts snoring.

JaneEyre70 · 02/05/2017 08:17

DH and I don't get along sharing at bed AT ALL. He has got restless legs, and often wakes me kicking/duvet on floor etc. My legs are black and blue permanently. The only way I get a good night is on the sofa or if I take an antihistamine. He's had medication but refuses to take it as it makes him groggy. We had a spare room until DD2 moved back home last year and I can't tell you how much I miss that rooom. I love DH very much but I'd never share a bed by choice.................it's like bloody torture, frankly. I share your pain OP.

Abraiid2 · 02/05/2017 08:21

A mouth guard might reduce the snoring almost immediately. Has he tried one?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2017 08:26

We haven't done anything to address the snoring before as our answer was to simply have separate rooms but now that's no longer an option I guess we'll have to start experimenting with solutions.

OP posts:
Marvellousmarg · 02/05/2017 08:29

I think you found your solution with separate rooms for sleeping and now a spanner has been thrown into the works with the new baby about to arrive.

I second the idea of buying a decent sofa bed. That was our solution and 12 years in still works. We had tried everything, earplugs, mouthguards, nasal Strips ,tennis balls sewn onto pjs!

When it comes to holidays. I tend share with one of the dc. All our family and friends know and accept it. We sometimes have to share a bed if visiting so we top and tail, I wear earplugs, but we are always tired and crabby afterwards. Even on our wedding anniversary at posh hotel Dh ended up on the sofa!

Dh and I have a great relationship but that's possibly because we have our own sleeping space!

Increasinglymiddleaged · 02/05/2017 08:31

FWIW I can usually sleep fine with DH. But during pregnancy I had to sleep on my own.

rizlett · 02/05/2017 08:39

have you considered that the fact that you don't like the house might be making this more of an issue?

Funnyface1 · 02/05/2017 08:45

During pregnancy is a bad time to start sharing again. I was so uncomfortable during my last pregnancy so dh ended up in the living room. DD is now 8 months and he's pretty much back in bed, but if it's a bad snoring night he has to go because I would be awake all night and he wakes DD. DS sleeps through it, lucky thing. My dh works some evenings and like you i enjoy having the bedroom to myself. Reading or watching TV and no tossing and turning. I don't really know what to suggest but he could manage with the sofa while you're pregnant? You need your sleep.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2017 08:47

have you considered that the fact that you don't like the house might be making this more of an issue?

How do you mean?

OP posts:
frieda909 · 02/05/2017 08:53

Rather than a sofa bed I recommend getting a day bed for your living room/playroom. If it's a full single bed size then whoever sleeps on it will actually have more room than if they were sharing a double with someone else.

My partner has an office in our flat which doubles as our guest room. We have a single bed in there which serves as a sofa most of the time thanks to some strategic covers and pillows. When we have guests it takes seconds to 'convert' it back into a bed, and it feels much nicer to be able to offer people a proper bed rather than a flimsy pull-out.

If you go with a sofa bed then make sure you get a really good one which is designed for every day use. The ones which say 'for occasional use' won't last long with one of you sleeping there every night.

Oldraver · 02/05/2017 09:02

Single beds ? My Mum and Dad have had separate bedrooms for years due to my Dad's unwillingness to do anything about his snoring. They frequently stay in hotels and she says she can tolerate being in a separate bed as she doesn't get the vibration or disturbing when he moves

sticklebrix · 02/05/2017 09:02

I totally sympathise OP. We have slept separately for years. I hate it but it's the only way to get any sleep.

PolynesianGirl · 02/05/2017 09:04

I don't think the idea of the sofa bed is a good one UNLESS you two are also happy for DH to sleep in the living room every night.
The second living room is fo g to become a bedroom in a year or so so buying a sofa bed etc... will only delay the issue by a year.
What you need is a longer term solution.