BIL getting married abroad during term time

[CelesteMum]

BIL and partner have booked their wedding abroad (5 hour flight) on a Tuesday during term time. It is the week before a half term break (which has yet to be published but I'm pretty sure it will be the week AFTER the wedding). We warned them beforehand that our DD would be starting college around that time and also enquired if it was likely to be during half term (to indicate we weren't keen on taking our other children out of school). It was also pointed out that his parents wouldn't be keen on such a long journey due to health reasons and one has already said (to us) they won't be going.

They have been together 16 years and have four children of their own.

DH has been asked to be best man and DD a bridesmaid. There was definitely some surprise/disappointment when we said we would need to consider whether we would come or not. This is not a financial issue but I am not keen on taking children out of school and am also concerned about the timing for my DD starting college. The wedding isn't for another 18 months and we have said we will need to wait until nearer the time to see if we can go. My DH will definitely go regardless as he wouldn't want to let his brother down.

I don't have any problem with people getting married abroad if that's what they want but I do feel if they expect family to come (& bring children) then there should be some communication and conferring about dates in advance. Which there wasn't. AIBU?

The cost might not be an issue for you but is it for them?
I imagine flight and accomodation prices were a lot higher during half term.

how much college would she miss?

It depends what you said before they booked it. If you said that you could only come if it was in half-term then they only have themselves to blame if you don't go, If you were less certain than that, did it just come across as you saying it would be easier for you during the holidays, but not impossible?

if they have 4 children surely the understand school holidays?

but I do feel if they expect family to come (& bring children) then there should be some communication and conferring about dates in advance

The wedding isn't for 18 months! How much more of an advance do you need???

I really don't see the issue. It's their wedding and strangely they don't need to plan it so it's convenient for you.

If people decide to do this , that's absolutely fine but they can't expect others to attend during term time, 5 hours away.

Utterly bonkers.

I don't think I would drag my school age children half way across the world for someone's wedding. Their choice to have a destination wedding but it isn't a requirement that you go.

FirstNightWeMet: it's nothing to do with advance warning. It's to do with the dates being suitable. They could give four years warning but it doesn't mean it would be suitable! We would still have children in school.

In answer to the others' questions/points:

Yes they have four children but they don't think anything of taking them out of school. We do.

We don't know how much College our DD would miss because it's too far off to know but it's commonly the first week of the course. She is shy and certainly wouldn't want to turn up a week into the course.

It may well be a financial consideration for them (cheaper for the wedding to not be in term time) but that's not the question/issue here.

Yes we probably weren't clear enough but, as I say, they think nothing of taking kids out of school so probably don't care.

i would go, is it just the one of your dc that is affected?

if it comes to it you can always back out nearer the time.

Could you and DH go for a couple of days and leave the kids with friends? I really don't think you should take your DC out of college in the first week! I'm pretty relaxed about missing a bit of school but not at the start of a new course/cohort

Standard rules: you can't expect people with school age children (or teachers) to go away during term time. They know this.

November is an unusual time for a college course to begin?

Just say you can't afford the school fines for your other children who are at school?

Them taking their children out of school is none of your business.

The only way they are being unreasonable is if they kicked off massively at you and your dh or made a big deal out of it. All you've said is they were surprised and disappointed.

So what exactly have they done wrong?

They didn't discuss the date with YOU for their wedding. Are you always this controlling?

DH should go, the rest of you stay put. If you book a wedding in Playa del Random during term time you can expect that some guests won't attend due to cost/time of year.

Yanbu. If people book wedding on a school day then it is unrealistic for them to expect families with children to attend. If it were a local wedding, just taking the children out for the day itself could work, but a 5 hour flight makes that impossible.

i think you are being precious and uncharitable. you are sniffy about them being together 16 years, having 4 children, and being not bothered about taking their dc out of school.

Picking a Tuesday in term time for your wedding abroad is not guest friendly. Just send your DH. Incidentally are all their kids being bridesmaids / page boys as well as your DD being a potential bridesmaid?

Redlocks. It's start of October. Sorry I may have miscounted my months.

We have the one who is going to college/uni and the two who are still at school.

I may go with my husband if I can sort childcare but would all be decided nearer the time.

It may just be me but I feel it's even worse to take them out of school for minimum three days when they are off the following week. It's not about the fine. I don't even know if our school fines. And they wouldn't buy that excuse anyway.

Thanks everyone.

Your DH should go but just decline the rest of the invites. I'd not be taking mine out of school either.

If you go abroad to get married you have to accept that whilst it I'd cheaper for you it's not for guests and likely at very inconvenient times so many will decline.

I must have got the wrong end of the stick-the first week in October would never be the week before the half term break where I live.

You're in a no win situation. If you don't go you feel bad , if you do go you feel bad for taking the kids out of school.
If the wedding was in Europe and on a Saturday that would have been easier for everyone to attend as they could manage to get there and back in the weekend.
Booking a wedding so far away surely you book it for yourself and anyone that can attend is a lovely bonus.
If they wanted everyone there they should take peoples circumstances into account.

I wouldn't go. I don't think you are being sniffy we either. You are thinking of your children, specifically the one starting college/uni. No way would they want to miss their first week.

FirstNightWeMet: are you always this argumentative?! I don't care that they take their children out of school. It doesn't affect me. I only said it to demonstrate that they won't understand us not wanting to take our children out of school.

I haven't said they have done anything wrong, I just feel when there is an expectation for family to be involved in the ceremony then it's mannerly to check dates first.