BIL getting married abroad during term time

[CelesteMum]

BIL and partner have booked their wedding abroad (5 hour flight) on a Tuesday during term time. It is the week before a half term break (which has yet to be published but I'm pretty sure it will be the week AFTER the wedding). We warned them beforehand that our DD would be starting college around that time and also enquired if it was likely to be during half term (to indicate we weren't keen on taking our other children out of school). It was also pointed out that his parents wouldn't be keen on such a long journey due to health reasons and one has already said (to us) they won't be going.

They have been together 16 years and have four children of their own.

DH has been asked to be best man and DD a bridesmaid. There was definitely some surprise/disappointment when we said we would need to consider whether we would come or not. This is not a financial issue but I am not keen on taking children out of school and am also concerned about the timing for my DD starting college. The wedding isn't for another 18 months and we have said we will need to wait until nearer the time to see if we can go. My DH will definitely go regardless as he wouldn't want to let his brother down.

I don't have any problem with people getting married abroad if that's what they want but I do feel if they expect family to come (& bring children) then there should be some communication and conferring about dates in advance. Which there wasn't. AIBU?

YANBU
my family know if they choose to marry abroad that's fine with me, but I will not be attending.

OP is the wedding this year? Or next?

IT is 18 months away if you read up thread. I'm with you OP. I tend to think they knew missing school/college/university would not be acceptable to you. Let them do what they want and send your DH! Only go if you can get someone to help with the children so they go to school. Weddings should be planned with guests in mind. It is selfish not to think of guests - if you really want them of course! If you don't you go in term time, marry mid week, fly for 5 hours and have it as part of a holiday you wanted anyway. If you want guests, you give thought to their needs. It is just old fashioned good manners.

I wouldn't care if a destination wedding was during the school holidays, and all my expenses were being paid for, I wouldn't attend. I've got better things to do with my time and resources than waste them on someone's destination wedding.

If they were really serious about having their loved ones there, they'd have their wedding at a local time and place that was convenient for as many guests as possible.

I've taken my kids out of school for weeks at a time for overseas travel. But I wouldn't take them out for somebody's wedding.

OP, in your shoes, I'd just tell Bro that our family wouldn't be attending as it's not convenient, and then refuse to be drawn into more discussion about it.

They obviously don't really want any guests there as they've made a conscious choice of such an awkward time and locale. Take them at their "word" and don't get yourself into knots trying to make it work.

If I'm spending five hours flying each way, it'd be for more than a few days and for an activity/holiday of my choice. Someone's destination wedding would never be my activity of choice.

Thank you so much everybody. Really appreciate all the replies.

Yes, it is their wedding and no they don't have to consult with others when they should book it for or where...but if those others are the family they want there with them, (bestman/bridesmaid) , parents and close family...then personally think YANBU, Think of those with children and those who can't fly that distance...accept they probably can't attend and will feel bad for not being there!

YABVU if its only about school.

"YABVU if its only about school."

Why? Some parents just don't feel OK about taking their children out of school during term time.

Iamastonished Mon 01-May-17 18:29:29

I would have thought that the first week at university is critical for a new starter, especially for a shy and anxious teenager.

Totally agree. My DD can be shy and has anxiety issues, so missing a week at that time, when she could be getting to know new people, would set her back a lot. It's a no-brainer for me, the OP's DH goes alone initially, and the remainder of the family can be added later if timings work.

A wedding abroad, and on a weekday. The B&G have to accept not everyone can come.