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AIBU?

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Original poster

BIL getting married abroad during term time

110 replies

CelesteMum · 01/05/2017 08:43

BIL and partner have booked their wedding abroad (5 hour flight) on a Tuesday during term time. It is the week before a half term break (which has yet to be published but I'm pretty sure it will be the week AFTER the wedding). We warned them beforehand that our DD would be starting college around that time and also enquired if it was likely to be during half term (to indicate we weren't keen on taking our other children out of school). It was also pointed out that his parents wouldn't be keen on such a long journey due to health reasons and one has already said (to us) they won't be going.

They have been together 16 years and have four children of their own.

DH has been asked to be best man and DD a bridesmaid. There was definitely some surprise/disappointment when we said we would need to consider whether we would come or not. This is not a financial issue but I am not keen on taking children out of school and am also concerned about the timing for my DD starting college. The wedding isn't for another 18 months and we have said we will need to wait until nearer the time to see if we can go. My DH will definitely go regardless as he wouldn't want to let his brother down.

I don't have any problem with people getting married abroad if that's what they want but I do feel if they expect family to come (& bring children) then there should be some communication and conferring about dates in advance. Which there wasn't. AIBU?

OP posts:
berkshyre · 01/05/2017 09:15

This is one of those things that people just have polarised mindsets about, and can get quite upset either way. To your relatives, they feel they've given a huge amount of notice, and that family should come before everything else. To you, school attendance is more important. I am someone that doesn't normally like to keep kids out of school but I'd consider it in this case. It sounds like it would hurt them to feel you think school is more important than their wedding.

EllaHen · 01/05/2017 09:15

Redlocks - it often is in Scotland. Granted it's not the centre of the universe ...

Shurleyshummishtake · 01/05/2017 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crisscrosscranky · 01/05/2017 09:16

Unless by College you mean University your DD will start her college course in September not October - FE colleges tend to follow the local school holiday calendars.

NormaSmuff · 01/05/2017 09:18

When we set the date we didnt think of anyone else, it was on a saturday in this country though. i remember my dm remarking that one of the children would probably be ill, due to time of year.

op perhaps they will reconsider the date?

ememem84 · 01/05/2017 09:22

If dd is starting uni the first week of October that's likely to be freshers week so she may not miss any of the course itself.

She will miss freshers though. Which although can be just a bunch of parties it's useful to get to know housemates etc.

Kerberos · 01/05/2017 09:22

Hang on - a siblings wedding is (usually) a once in a lifetime thing isn't it? It's not just "someone else" getting married it's close family.

firstnightwemet · 01/05/2017 09:25

FirstNightWeMet: are you always this argumentative?! I don't care that they take their children out of school. It doesn't affect me. I only said it to demonstrate that they won't understand us not wanting to take our children out of school.

No. I just don't see the issue here. Who says they wouldn't understand you not wanting to take your children out of school? Just because they have no issue doing it doesn't mean they wouldn't understand.

They've picked their date for a reason and are disappointed you can't all come. I don't see an issue with either of these things.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/05/2017 09:26

Yes they have four children but they don't think anything of taking them out of school. We do.

Big difference between missing school for your parents wedding and missing it for an uncles, that's why a parents wedding is one of the few reasons why you get 3 days absence authorised but wouldn't for an uncle.

They do not have to seek approval of their date from you that is not something that is normal to have happen. You should decline the invite at the earliest chance and stop piss arsing around with the we might/might not.
You have kids in school you should have some idea of at least vague term dates

kaitlinktm · 01/05/2017 09:27

My brother chose to get married on a weekday in term time. I simply couldn't go (teacher). He just had to accept it or maybe it was a very cunning plan.

MargaretCavendish · 01/05/2017 09:28

If you get married on a Tuesday OR you get married abroad you're saying that guests being able to come is not a top priority for you. Doing both even more so. That's fine, you're allowed to prioritise the venue or whatever - it's your wedding - but then you have to accept that tradeoff. You can't try and have your cake and eat it by making the wedding completely inconvenient for guests but still expect attendance.

SuperBeagle · 01/05/2017 09:34

When I was in uni (not long ago), classes didn't start until the second week.

They don't have to plan their wedding around your availability, so for that, YABU. But YANBU for not going if it doesn't suit you. Simple.

Original poster
CelesteMum · 01/05/2017 09:34

Needsasockamnesty: piss arsing? Firstly no official invite. Just a message saying the date and asking about best man and bridesmaid. I have enquired to the school about the exact dates of half term and have been told it won't be confirmed for another 6 months or so. Obviously there is a slim chance the half term may fall on the wedding week and if that's the case then we would go.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 01/05/2017 09:35

People who choose to get married abroad, a FIVE HOUR FLIGHT AWAY, cannot expect every single family member to drop everything to be able to attend. If they don't understand this they have a screw loose. In the OP's position I'd let them know asap that not all of the family will be able to attend. If it transpires that the eldest child will be able go then they will probably attend if they want to but no-one can rely on it until closer to the time.

FrancisCrawford · 01/05/2017 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CelesteMum · 01/05/2017 09:43

Thanks for all the messages about colleges/universities. A lot hinges on how well DD does in exams over the next year or so and we may not know her exact plans until a couple of months before the wedding depending on results. We will communicate this to the B&G and have already told them we will need to wait until the school confirm the half term dates.

OP posts:
onceandneveragain · 01/05/2017 09:43

I'm confused = first you say college, which is usually started age 16 but then you go on to say college/uni - and that you expect the wedding to be the week before half term - which suggests DD will actually be starting uni. If so

a) this seems like the wedding will be the penultimate week in Oct (half term usually being on the last week) - most uni's have freshers towards the last week of September then 1st week of teaching starts October, so she will have actually be in roughly the third week of lectures/fourth week of being there. If she's doing a Btec or something in college then they start even earlier. I've never heard of any uni/college not starting until nearly the end of October!

b) She will be 18 and in higher education, so surely up to her whether she misses a few lectures to go to her uncle's wedding or not? Yes you can of course decide whether you pay for it or not, but with regard to the 'missing college,' part I don't know why you're stressing about it - there's nothing you can do either way.

Why risk making yourself the fall guy who said no? I agree with waiting closer to the time, and then dd can tell her uncle herself whether she wants to go or not.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/05/2017 09:45

YANBU - if it's so far ahead, why is it so hard for them to consider other people's situations? It's not like it's a last minute "this is the only time we could get, sorry" situation, is it? They're planning it to be inconvenient.

I wouldn't go or disrupt schooling for it either. Really bad plan to miss the first week of college!

LookingThroughGaryGilmoresEyes · 01/05/2017 09:47

I'd turn it down.

People can do what they want for their own weddings but an invite is just that, and not an instruction. Therefore, it's fine to decline.

I wouldn't keep a child off school for a few days for a family member's wedding and I certainly wouldn't impose it on a shy person who is just starting university and will need to be there for enrolment and want to be there to establish social connections with other students and attend first lectures.

Original poster
CelesteMum · 01/05/2017 09:48

Onceandneveragain: I appreciate your reply but just because your half term falls then doesn't mean that ours does! Ours is earlier than that.

Also, the DD attending college/uni (all dependent on exam results) was only half the issue. The other part was taking my other two children out of school for three days a week before they have a week off!

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 01/05/2017 09:48

totally agree with once
since your dd will be 18 then, she decides.
just say yes for now with the proviso that your dd may back down, turn down the bridesmaid offer if that makes things easier.

annandale · 01/05/2017 09:48

I would go with your DH and have a lovely time but wouldn't take children out of school in the first half term.

NormaSmuff · 01/05/2017 09:49

op you seemed to only want to discuss your dd, the possible bridesmaid, you skated over the issue of your other dc.

go alone.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 09:52

Why are people analysing what the OP is saying about college. Why not take it at face value.

NormaSmuff · 01/05/2017 09:53

because that is mn behaviour mumyz

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