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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BIL getting married abroad during term time

110 replies

CelesteMum · 01/05/2017 08:43

BIL and partner have booked their wedding abroad (5 hour flight) on a Tuesday during term time. It is the week before a half term break (which has yet to be published but I'm pretty sure it will be the week AFTER the wedding). We warned them beforehand that our DD would be starting college around that time and also enquired if it was likely to be during half term (to indicate we weren't keen on taking our other children out of school). It was also pointed out that his parents wouldn't be keen on such a long journey due to health reasons and one has already said (to us) they won't be going.

They have been together 16 years and have four children of their own.

DH has been asked to be best man and DD a bridesmaid. There was definitely some surprise/disappointment when we said we would need to consider whether we would come or not. This is not a financial issue but I am not keen on taking children out of school and am also concerned about the timing for my DD starting college. The wedding isn't for another 18 months and we have said we will need to wait until nearer the time to see if we can go. My DH will definitely go regardless as he wouldn't want to let his brother down.

I don't have any problem with people getting married abroad if that's what they want but I do feel if they expect family to come (& bring children) then there should be some communication and conferring about dates in advance. Which there wasn't. AIBU?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 01/05/2017 11:12

Your DH goes alone. Do they realise you could be fined for this? I don't take my child out of secondary school at all except for emergencies, not a wedding. Fuck all the 'it's a once in a lifetime event'. Not always, and they have 4 kids already. It's hardly a royal coronation.

Don't give it a second thought.

SisterMoonshine · 01/05/2017 11:19

I'm with you OP.
Early Oct won't be half term, but it will be coming up. There DCs can miss school for their own parents wedding - it's a big deal to them. But missing school/early days at uni for an aunts and uncle isn't especially worth it.
You're right that DH should go and do his bit.

Yukbuck · 01/05/2017 11:24

I'm going against the grain here and saying I would go to the wedding with the children. Weddings are usually lovely and it's hardly a long lost friend who you haven't seen for 20 years. It's the kids uncle! I say this as someone who has worked in education and who has several family members who are teachers who are all against the fines. Mainly because it penalises the wrong people. OP I can tell you're the sort of person who doesn't let their kids have a day off for just anything so I wouldn't stress about a wedding. They really aren't going to miss that much in a few days leading up to half term.

emilybrontescorset · 01/05/2017 11:27

I would t go and I wouldn't let the kids go either.
Of course it is entirely the bride and grooms decision when they get married. However, they have to fully understand that holding the wedfing then may mean that others cannot come.
It has nothing to do with advance notice whatsoever.
It makes not one jot of difference if they give 6 years or 6 months notice.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2017 11:31

'I say this as someone who has worked in education and who has several family members who are teachers who are all against the fines.'

Yeah, well, that doesn't matter, this family could still be fined for taking the kids out of school for this particular wedding. When people decide to have them abroad, or during the week, or in a remote location, they have to realise that not all people can or will bend over backwards to go. Some people find them lovely, but a lot of people find them a PITA. Not to mention the huge cost of getting a whole family there. It's such a cheek people have about their wedding, expecting everyone to make sacrifices for it.

WateryTart · 01/05/2017 11:34

YANBU - getting married abroad is the height of selfishness and entitlement if you expect others to pay to attend. If there are people you want there, then pay for their fare and hotel.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2017 11:37

'I can get why she might want to go, but it is really, truly, unnecessary.
Family is for life. Freshers week is a waste of time. She will get so much more out of a family holiday. YABU'

I strongly disagree. I had a blast fresher's week, made a lot of friends I'm still friends with now, and definitely would not have got more out of a 'family holiday'. At that age, many want to start spreading their wings, forming non-family relationships, laying the ground for being independent and maybe having their own family one day. And hey, at 18, Iots want to party with their peers.

liquidrevolution · 01/05/2017 11:38

I wouldnt go if it interferes with work or education.

Also what is the cost? Could you afford it? Are they marrying somewhere you would like to visit? Or will you be wasting that years family holiday on 3 days wtching a wedding?

I would say yes to DH going but a firm no to anyone else that way there is no dithering. If nearer the time you feel able to book and join your DH well then thats a bonus. Dont worry about hurting feelings they cant expect everyone to attned and if they did they should have held it somewhere closer and on a weekend.

Ceto · 01/05/2017 11:39

If you choose to get married five hours' flight away, you should really regard it as a bonus if any of your friends and family turn up.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 01/05/2017 11:39

There could be any reason why they've decided to book in term time. I've worked places where only parents can book leave during the school holidays. They may have someone in this position who is a priority to them.

rookiemere · 01/05/2017 11:48

People don't need to get married in the school holidays in order for children to attend.

They just need to be sensible, so pick a Saturday and not abroad. In fact this holds true for most guests, not just those with DCs. It would have to be a very special wedding for me to consider taking precious time off work to go mid-week.

Yukbuck · 01/05/2017 15:52

Sorry yes expat I do agree with you there. I was just trying to give a different point of view from the basis that they really won't miss much in terms of school!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/05/2017 15:54

Sorry op I didn't mean to come across as snippy (I expect I did because I'm in a vile mood anyway but I genuinely didn't mean it to you).

A nicer way to word what I did would be just respond with "if it is during term time we will not be attending I do not have those dates available yet"
Fwiw in my head the entire point of a destination wedding is so you don't have the faff of guests so you can't really get cross if people don't come

Pallisers · 01/05/2017 16:08

I think your dh goes, you go if you can sort it out and the children stay in school. I think missing the first week of college for a family wedding is nuts - that is when you meet people, when everyone is new and looking for connections.

We had a pretty similar situation. BIL and SIL got married the week school went back. Their wedding was a 6 hour journey away for most people - except us - we lived about 3 hours away. So one BIL who had children just went by himself. The date didn't really suit us either as it meant we had scores of relatives staying in our house the week my son started a new high school and we were juggling stuff but that wasn't that important.

No one got upset. I was surprised they picked the date they did as they love all the nephews and nieces and it would have been lovely for all of us to be together but I'm sure they had reasons.

Pallisers · 01/05/2017 16:09

should have said we were 3 hours drive away. Everyone else was 6 hours flight.

PickAChew · 01/05/2017 16:17

If he wants people to celebrate with him, he needs to think more carefully about where and when he has the wedding.

YWNBU to say no, you can't attend.

BirdInTheRoom · 01/05/2017 16:48

My BIL got married abroad on a Friday just over a week before a half term. We didn't bring our school age children - it didn't go down particularly well with the MIL but it was the right decision for us.

OP I would either send your DH alone, or both of you go and leave the children at home if you can find someone to look after them. There's a good chance you will get fined for taking them out of school too.

Yorkshirebetty · 01/05/2017 16:56

Yanbu. Don't go. They've been together a long time and already have a family, so it's not like they're just starting out.

MargaretCavendish · 01/05/2017 17:12

I am firmly on team 'you really don't have to go (and getting married on a Tuesday is a bit twatty)', but I'm surprised at the posts saying that this wedding is less of a big deal because they're a long established couple. I just can't see that logic at all. A wedding is a celebration of love and commitment - if anything, I'd say that's more meaningful between a couple who have already supported each other through years of ups and downs than between two people who met a few months ago and barely know each other. But in any case I think that's a weird judgement to make.

grannytomine · 01/05/2017 18:02

Literally no school work happens the first week on uni. Really. They just give empty lectures about how to use the website for the uni and to make sure you check your email and stuff like that. And then they repeat that at the start of every semester for the REST OF THE DEGREE. I used to go all bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to learn, and it is a complete waste of time. At the end of my degree I didn't even bother going til the second lecture for any subject

Have you studied every course at every uni or are you just assuming they all work the same?

Butterymuffin · 01/05/2017 18:27

Yes, because no one wants to meet others on the course, make new friends or socialise the first week even if the 'no work happens' statement was true, which I seriously doubt.

Iamastonished · 01/05/2017 18:29

I would have thought that the first week at university is critical for a new starter, especially for a shy and anxious teenager.

OrangeJubbly · 01/05/2017 19:20

I wouldn't go to any wedding that was a five hour flight away, regardless of day, or school holiday situation (unless it was a dc, but I can't see any of my dc's choosing a destination wedding)

If it was my BIL my DH would probably go but I'm not even sure about that. My close friend had to cancel her daughter's wedding in Greece because of the lack of numbers. I don't actually know anybody who has had a destination wedding. Are they quite common?

OrangeJubbly · 01/05/2017 19:21

I would have thought that the first week at university is critical for a new starter, especially for a shy and anxious teenager

Agree 100%

Gillian1980 · 01/05/2017 22:22

Yanbu.

We got married abroad (8 hour flight) on a Wednesday. But we specifically planned it for the Easter holidays as we wanted younger siblings there who are school age.

It cost us more but we would never have expected them to miss school.

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