BIL getting married abroad during term time

[CelesteMum]

BIL and partner have booked their wedding abroad (5 hour flight) on a Tuesday during term time. It is the week before a half term break (which has yet to be published but I'm pretty sure it will be the week AFTER the wedding). We warned them beforehand that our DD would be starting college around that time and also enquired if it was likely to be during half term (to indicate we weren't keen on taking our other children out of school). It was also pointed out that his parents wouldn't be keen on such a long journey due to health reasons and one has already said (to us) they won't be going.

They have been together 16 years and have four children of their own.

DH has been asked to be best man and DD a bridesmaid. There was definitely some surprise/disappointment when we said we would need to consider whether we would come or not. This is not a financial issue but I am not keen on taking children out of school and am also concerned about the timing for my DD starting college. The wedding isn't for another 18 months and we have said we will need to wait until nearer the time to see if we can go. My DH will definitely go regardless as he wouldn't want to let his brother down.

I don't have any problem with people getting married abroad if that's what they want but I do feel if they expect family to come (& bring children) then there should be some communication and conferring about dates in advance. Which there wasn't. AIBU?

Mumzy because some people get awful funny about weddings on here...

Which ever college it turns out to be may not be impressed by a new student disappearing in their first week. Even if no actual lectures/classes in that time there will be the setting up, registering and ID based stuff that happens for new students as well as the social stuff.

Agree with pp. Destination weddings, lovely. However family and friends joining you has to be an additional luxury if they're able to, and not an expectation. You can't expect anyone to pay up and drop all their other commitments to travel five hours out to celebrate with you, particularly if you plan it within term time to keep your own costs down. This sounds like a 'have a lovely time, we can't wait to see the photos' job.

Celeste you seem to be getting quite a bit of stick.
FWIW, DH is flying to his brothers wedding on his own - term time.
We are not flying at all to my cousins wedding. Also term time.
We no longer live in the UK, which actually makes these weddings CLOSER, as in 5 hours flying time closer. And I'm still not pulling the kids out of school.
I'd suggest accepting for your DH, and seeing what happens with term dates when they are released and you know where each child will be.

I would say your DH will go, but you won't know about whether you and the kids can until closer to the time as you don't know term dates yet.

I would strongly urge any parent/student in FE or uni to NOT miss any time prior to Christmas. At all really, but definitely not before Christmas. Groups are formed, content is delivered, impressions are made.
If the first serious conversation you have with your tutor is about time off this makes a VERY bad impression.
Do not listen to 'it's only a few lectures' nonsense, it is so, so much more than that.

I don't think you're being at all sniffy and precious. It's about priorities as much as anything. Theirs is a destination wedding and holiday, yours is your children and their education. Nothing wrong with either of those, but they don't fit.

I think your compromise of DH (and possibly you) going, is fine. Your DD will have been in college for a few weeks and still be adjusting. If she's a shy girl, missing time might be difficult for her. The first few weeks is the establishment phase, when expectations are set and people find their place.

Whether people agree or disagree with taking children out of school, in the end it's your choice not to and their choice to do it.

Jeez all these people nit picking over the dates of half term and use of the word college over Uni I'm sure the op is aware of the dates and newsflash Scotland and Northern Ireland have different holidays from England.

I think it's not going to be possible for your DD op, I guess all you can do is keep your inlaws in the loop and wait and see if the holidays coincide.

Missing a bit of primary school for a child with good attendance and otherwise doing fine seems ok to me, but I wouldn't take them out in older years and definitely not when starting college.

I think when you hold your wedding in another country, you can no longer expect attendance from anybody. So yanbu.

OP I'm entirely with you.

Your DD should not be missing the first week of her course, particularly if she is shy. The others on the course will already have got to know each other and the staff and the routine of the college, and she will feel like an outsider.

In your place I would not tell the uncle that I can't decide yet. I would tell him that DH will be there, and the children will definitely come but only if they are not in school that week. It then becomes the uncle's decision not yours.

YANBU
A wedding far away is a pain to start with, they have to accept some invitees won't go
I don't even think the reasons matter tbh
I don't know why people are giving you a hard time.
Tell them now that only DH will be going as it doesn't work for you to all go.

How old are your other two children?
I don't think three days off will make much difference to be completely honest. Seeing their Uncle get married and having a holiday will though, and will probably be a life-long memory.
Does your DD want to go? A lot of university terms start mid october so it may not even be an issue.
To me this seems like a once in a life time thing and a shame to miss for the sake of 3 days of school at the end of term but I respect your views are different- and YANBU for waiting to find out term dates.

To anyone querying timings - OP hasn't actually said she's in Scotland, but if she is....Scottish University and College years normally start mid September (most of them are the 19th this year), and Scottish schools have a fortnight holiday in October - for our area this year they start on the 6th, although different areas may vary by a week.
The fortnight is known as the October holidays, or by ancient people like me, the tattie holidays......I've never heard it referred to as half term.
I wouldn't be too keen to take my dcs out of school the week before they're due to be off for a fortnight either tbh.

I think they are asking a lot of you anyway. A five hour flight, the cost and taking kids out of school. I think they are being a bit selfish asking anyone to do that. If they choose a destination abroad, they can't expect anyone to go in my opinion

“Are you always this controlling?”

This isn’t being controlling

“i think you are being precious and uncharitable”

No she isn’t. My daughter has anxiety, and removing her from a new course a week after it has started would really set her back. I don’t think you understand what it is like parenting an anxious child.

Literally no school work happens the first week on uni. Really. They just give empty lectures about how to use the website for the uni and to make sure you check your email and stuff like that. And then they repeat that at the start of every semester for the REST OF THE DEGREE. I used to go all bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to learn, and it is a complete waste of time. At the end of my degree I didn't even bother going til the second lecture for any subject.
I can get why she might want to go, but it is really, truly, unnecessary.
Family is for life. Freshers week is a waste of time. She will get so much more out of a family holiday. YABU

YANBU.

They've been together 16 years, they have 4 DCs. I get it's still their wedding and important to them, but it's not like they are at the start of their life together, which in my mind is what a wedding celebration is about.

Destination wedding, mid week, in term time, well it will be amazing if anyone bothers to come at all. Don't be bullied into booking this unless the dates suit you OP.

It strikes me that the destination is more important to them than the people they are inviting.

The couple can choose to get married when and where they like. However they can't get upset if family members aren't prepared to take on the expense or hassle of going abroad at an inconvenient time.

The only thing you can do at the moment is say that DH will be going but you don't know about the rest of you. Maybe if enough of the family say they won't go they might reconsider their plans.

I disagree about the importance of Freshers week by the way. I still have friends that I made in that week over 20 years later. That's when all the new students will met and form friendships. Much more important in my view than a couple deciding to formalise their 16 year old partnership.

People can choose to have whatever wedding they want.

They cannot choose to get shitty when their choices mean someone else may not be able to attend for any reason.

Its an invitation, not a summons.

I think for a shy or anxious girl it will be very important to go to uni during freshers week. That's when you often find friends by socialising or joining societies with people who have common interests. Knowing how to use the uni website etc is vital for settling in and knowing how your course works.

Op, roughly what age are your other DCs? Are they all in secondary school?

I genuinely don't understand why taking your DC out of school for 3 days is such a big deal, especially in October, when there's no important exams.
As for your eldest, you don't know what she'll be doing or where.
I'd book somewhere close to the venue where you can add an extra person later if turns out DD can attend.

Agree with PP that freshers week is very important. I would leave the choice to your DD (but gently encourage her to go to freshers week because it's so important in terms of making friends and settling in before work starts.)

With the other children, it's far too soon to say whether they (or you) can attend. You will need to make a decision nearer the time depending on dates and circumstances. I think YWNBU at all to keep your options open at the moment, but to lay the groundwork for the fact that you won't necessarily be able to take them out of school or find appropriate childcare. However, I think your DH should just emphasise how much he is looking forward to the wedding!

Thank you to all the recent responses. Good to see a bit of balance there and some who agree with me. Appreciated.

Both of our other children will be in secondary by then but neither will be in exam years.