AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

[Incognit0]

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

When you're a working parent you do become better at time management. Dh and I feed my kids home cooked meals everyday, properly home made stuff right from home made breads to home made pastas. We are always there to talk to our kids who are doing brilliantly academically & socially. We fit in activities.

mini I think there are lots of perfectly happy families in the UK.

Go to any zoo, beach, forrest today and it will be full of happy families.

Look at us all on MN now. None of us are that busy .

Personally I'd rather have my own income no matter what. You never know someone 100% and relationships breakdown. Being totally reliant on another human being fills me with terror tbh but that's just my personal experience!

The stahp I know keep making excuses as to why their kids can't do stuff rather than have a get up & go attitude.

I had a cleaner when I was on my two extended mat leaves so being at home doesn't mean work isn't outsourced.

Only1scoop you seem to keep referring back to my posts. I'm sorry I've hit a nerve with you poppet. If you're that jealous of my lovely life maybe try and change yours for the better instead of getting so upset and trying to thinly mask it with pretend-immaturity hmmm?

The only time we've ever used childcare was when I wasn't working.

DH's firm threw in a nursery place as part of an expat package, so we used it.

And the smug git of the thread award goes to ... MistressPage, congratulations!

And Sarahmum, you are just horrible. Really very nasty, I hope you don't turn that spite on your children when they disagree with you.

Uppity - I go out walking or running , practise my hobby which I have done a few adult college courses in and gives me a huge amount of satisfaction and pleasure , read, do a bit of gardening, occasionally a bit of DIY. Housework isn't my priority and my house looks lived in rather than tidy. My ironing mountain gets tackled while catching up on TV watching. I don't get much downtime of an evening for various reasons so I try to make time for nice relaxing stuff during the day if I can.

I'm currently trying to decide whether to go back to work after maternity leave, so always read these threads with interest (and horror). The idea that a poster might be my friend if I go back to work, but can't see how we'd get on if I choose to be a SAHM seems completely bizarre to me, I will be the same person whatever I decide to do! Thankfully I have wonderful friends who are a million things besides whether they work or not, or have children or not. My Mum stayed at home until our youngest sibling was nearing the end of primary school. None of us have issues with work ethic, as some seem to fear, we all have professional, well paid jobs. My Mum was an amazing Mum not because she stayed at home, but because of who she was and what she taught us and how she modelled kindness and love and thoughtfulness and empathy and determination and courage and a million other things. She would have been and done all those things too, had she worked. Work doesn't make you a good mother, any more than not working does. But people who judge and belittle others who make different choices to them might want to consider whether they want to pass that attitude onto their children, irrespective or whether they work or not.

When you're a working parent you do become better at time management. I really agree with this. I have a few friends who work full time and the stuff they pack in amazes me. I remember when I worked and had a day off I'd get so much done. I assumed that when I gave up work my house would be pristine at all times and I'd be manicuring the lawn with nail scissors. The truth is that I've just slowed down. I still have get up and go as I'm quite an active person but I don't pack stuff in like I used to when I worked.

Well put Annie.
Make your decision on what works best for your family and don't get bogged down in other stuff.

What a lovely thread where everyone wants to put other people's choices down.

Also well pointed out by some that the choices made are not always clear cut choices.

I work p/t, have a fair amount of help from my mum in the school holidays. I'm lucky (even though I hate my job).

Whenever anyone at work gives me that tone of voice along with the "what do you do on your 2 days off because your daughter goes to school doesn't she?

I used to tell them whatever id done than there was usually another follow up unwanted remark. Now I just say "nothing" and they say "pardon?" and I repeat "nothing you'll want to hear about "

I don't feel the least bit inclined to justify what I do for 12 ,hours a week.

Also have a sahm friend whose kids have both been at school a while. I never ask what shes doing with her time and when she's going to get a job, which she gets a lot of from other people. I don't want her to justify herself to me. Her and her husband are happy with the set up so good luck to them.

Anyway let's all carry on having a dig at each other as that's much nicer.

Ready meals and takeaways make up a huge proportion of people's diets in the UK compared to the rest of Europe.

Yes, because they are yum.

I am an excellent cook and I enjoy cooking but I love takeaway too.

This thread is getting worse and worse.

"mini I think there are lots of perfectly happy families in the UK."

Of course there are!

Working and not working.

But there is also an epidemic of tiredness!

All the mums I know who work f/t and make it work for them are in very good physical health, are well supported in and out of the home, and pay people to help out with home and garden stuff. They're also people with a phenomenal amount of energy.

The idea that we can and should ALL live and work like this is crazy.

And SAHM whilst I won't judge you - you will irritate me beyond belief if you tell me how busy you are!! Believe me - you're not!!

Years and years of the press bleating on about 'hardworking families' and 'scroungers', have left us with a culture where not being economically active is now a moral crime, regardless of whether the person not working is claiming state support or not.

This thread is evidence of it.

minifingerz - very much agree with your last post.

I also believe very strongly that couples need to look at "total hours out of the house". There is a huge difference for family life between families where WOH totals 70 hours per week and where WOH total 150 hours per week. Not the same organisation at all.

I've would never pretend that what I do between the hours of 9 and 5 equates to a full-time job. Between 9 and 3 I can organise my own time - see friends for coffee, yoga, gym, running, whatever. I have a cleaner in every other day so I'm hardly scrubbing floors. I do find that a lot of my time is spent doing DC /DH related stuff though - picking things up for them, organising social events, etc.

However, I get up at 5am every day. Make breakfast for everyone and get 3 children out to 3 different schools. I collect the youngest one at 3.30 and then I never sit down until 11pm. I take them / collect from various activities and supervise homework and get everything ready for the next day. I make quite an effort with food /dinner as DH appreciates that. I don't rely on him to do anything in the evenings as he's either not here or probably working if he is. Weekends are the same, though DH does do some ferrying about.

So although I could be seen as swanning around between 9am-3pm Mon -Fri, I don't swan around in general because I don't take free time where it would impact the rest if the family - eg. going out much in the evenings or leaving them to it at weekends. My mother is in Italy and I have no family in the UK, nor does DH. Getting babysitters can prove a hassle. So it's swings and roundabouts.

Incognit0
Sounds lovely OP.

You say people dont judge you. I'd imagine the reason people won't judge you is because you have made your choice and are happy with it. You aren't doing what some on this thread have done which is make out like they do a full them job in the house, technically work 3 jobs etc. You also haven't done what some SAHP do which is suggest you're some how a better parent for staying home.

People won't judge you (even if they personally disagree with your choice) because you're reasonable and no obnoxious about it.

With work, in an environment beyond the home, comes status and a sense of worth I don't need status, my Ego is fine thanks. My sense of worth comes from never having to leave my son on hospital alone ( many parents have to - no judgment but I do feel for you), from knowing that he has continuity of care in me being in every appointment and meeting. In my relationships with friends and family who need me. Not saying WOHP'S don't before anyone starts but all that is enough for me right now. I don't need a job title to define me. I know I'm kind and compassionate and hard working and responsible

Isn't true independence all about having choices?

I've worked when my child was 6 weeks old, full time, I had to keep a roof over our head and food on the table ... and wow was I judged, shouldn't have children if you aren't going to look after them yourself etc

I haven't worked in the conventional sense for 15 years plus and wow am I judged for not being 'independent' and for not earning my own money etc

CHOICES LADIES CHOICES isn't that what we fought for, being able to make our own decisions and yet now we fight amongst ourselves when a woman makes her OWN DECISION

op it's swings and roundabouts indeed. You have just proved my point though about people justifying what they do with their time. Don't feel you ever have to give anyone a break down of your day.

Minifingerz completely agree with your last post. My own mum stayed at home for years and there wouldn't of been any backlash or even private thoughts of her being lazy. It was in a time where it was socially acceptable.

I'm not saying those were better times just fact that it wasn't questioned.