To think my husband has a drinking problem?

[Mumof3MasterofNone]

I feel kind of awful for thinking this but....
Husband drinks about 2.5 pints every night. This has been ongoing for years. Everything in moderation is his mantra. It's never bothered me until a recent holiday when everyday revolved around him being able to have his beer. He also won't eat with us anymore as he doesn't like to drink on a full stomach so he waits until the kids are in bed, has his beers then his tea. It's very ritualistic.
I let it go on holiday (god that makes me sound like a right nag) I mean I didn't make an issue out of it for the sake of the holiday.
Anyway we're back now, and he has suspected gout 🙈
Doc says beer is the worst cause. Husband disagrees 'everything in moderation'. Apparently doc says it's common after holiday as you get dehydrated. So it seems beer is off the hook with that one comment?

So all our weekend plans have gone awry because he can't walk. I'm doing everything. Last night he asks me to go to the shop. No problem, what would you like? The reply-beer!

So I said that I didn't feel comfortable buying him beer. Why don't you have a break from it to give your body chance to fight the gout. 'I don't want to' came the reply.
Apparently I'm trying to control him and he doesn't agree that beer does any harm. Maybe it wasn't the cause, maybe it was. Surely if there were doubt then it's sensible to have a break?
Is 2 beers a day every day too much?
AIBU??

Isn't that a cop out though? He will most likely just bin it!

I don't think it's a cop out. Maybe seeing it in black and white will make him think and then you could follow it up with a conversation.

TBH if he isn't ready to change (and it sounds like he isn't) it doesn't matter a bit whether you speak to him, write it down or spell it out in 50ft letters with a skywriting plane.
It won't make any difference.

@wolfiefan you have made me smile on a very stressful day. Thank you!

I might steal your line for my letter 😂

Oh bless you. It's a bloody awful situation to be in. It really is.
Feel free to steal my lines. At time.
There are lots of survey type things you can do online to evaluate a potential alcohol issue. The problem is many people see heavy drinking as normal (just see some comments on this thread) and they see alcoholics as someone who has vodka on their cornflakes for breakfast. That's not it.
If it could harm your health, your relationships or controls you then it's an issue.

Remember he can do whatever he wants as an adult but you as an adult don't have to facilitate it.

He needs to understand that you don't want to be his carer just so he can continue the way he is. If he wants to ignore his ill health then he has to look after his ill health (easier said than done obviously).

That's the bit I have been missing! I have such respect for him outside of all of this that when he has says it's not an issue and replied with an intelligent argument, I have just let it go and thought that I must be mad.

But now it affects the kids (my daughter cried last time we went out to eat as she knew her daddy wouldn't eat)

You're right, he can do what he likes. So can I. (Realistically what's best for the children!)

That's the bit I have been missing! I have such respect for him outside of all of this that when he has says it's not an issue and replied with an intelligent argument, I have just let it go and thought that I must be mad.

But now it affects the kids (my daughter cried last time we went out to eat as she knew her daddy wouldn't eat)

You're right, he can do what he likes. So can I. (Realistically what's best for the children!)

I'd say he sounds like what we'd call a functioning alcoholic. My dad was like this. A couple of pints/vodkas each and every night but couldn't miss a night ever. Very set to routine and times to the point that his nightly drinks would come before other events.

It's a problem and your DH is drinking way more than he should.

Apparently the not eating first is typical of an addiction, the socially acceptable smaller amount alcohol creates a bigger hit.
Good luck tonight

Phew. So, I did it. I talked to him. I shared my worries and talked objectively about the habits and dependency's. I gave a bit of an ultimatum if I'm honest. Well I have him the option to go and take some time to think about things. Then I walked away.
Not for the drama effect more because I was about to cry and then I'd loose objectivity.
Anyway an hour later and he has totally opened up. He knows he has become rigid and stuck in an unhealthy routine. He is still justifying the amount of alcohol and his eating habits but when I pointed out that the amount wasn't the issue he seemed receptive. He thinks he has got like this because of anxieties and that the routine and 'addictions' enable him to cope. He did say 'at least I get out of bed and don't drink a bottle of vodka a day' this is true but doesn't make it ok, does it?
Think I got through to him 😱 never happened in 13 years!!! I have you lot to thank for that! Giving me the reassurance, courage and objectivity to be able to tackle this.

Anyway he's vowed to make changes so let's see. Thank you all 😘😘😘

Well done! That took courage.

Thank you @Notsoslimshady but I've ignored it for too long. Not sure I would have done it without the advice from here though, so thank you once again 😘😘

Well done!
Sounds like a good start.

Well done, sound very positive.

👍OP I hope for you and your family your dh can turn things round.

Ok op, well done, but the proof of the pudding as they say is in the eating. What is he doing about it? Will he have dinner with you as a family? Go out for a meal and actually eat? These are your next steps. Refusing family meals, specially on holiday so he can gorge in private is really concerning eating behaviour, never mind what it teaches your kids, and he needs to start making small steps. He may need councilling to help him through it if the behaviour is too ingrained.

Fantastic news. Really hope he is able to make a change. If he calls it unhealthy patterns and agrees he needs to change that's fantastic.

I think he is having alcohol addiction problem. I happened to read a helpful article about how to know if someone is addicted to drugs or alcohol- edgewoodhealthnetwork.com/blog/how-do-you-know-if-someone-is-addicted-to-drugs-or-alcohol/ . It also explains about an online quiz for alcohol abuse. Just take a look at it. Hope it helps.

Well done - great start let's hope he can actually make some changes he is able to stick to otherwise your children will grow up with food issues too. He isn't setting a great example about how to eat healthily maybe pointing this out will help too.

He has agreed to go dry during the week at least. I did point out that his relationship with alcohol needs to be more relaxed as I don't want to just move the problem to weekends!
We will be going out on Sunday for dinner and he has agreed to sit and eat with us during the week- where possible, sometimes he is still at work.
I will let you know if he opens a beer up tonight or not!

We have talked about counselling- he's not convinced, typical skeptic. I also suggested forums for support and we will have a weekly 'checking in' chat.

I think I shocked him with the offer of time out so hopefully this isn't all just talk!

It's interesting that a number of posters have said that the alcohol is a red herring and that it's actually the eating that is the problem. If's fairly common knowledge that alcoholics don't eat (or have disordered eating). 'Dinner is swerved' and 'eating is cheating' as my alcoholic friend often said.

Either way, I'm glad you've managed to have a proper talk with him OP- well done and I hope it gives him cause to have a good think about changes he needs to make. Good luck.

I think he does have an alcohol dependency.

Prioritising beer over having a meal with his family. Wobbling to the shop in pain just to buy alchohol.

What happens if he doesn't have beer on an evening, does he get snappy and irritabable?

You have voiced your concerns and he is in complete denial. If he doesn't want to help himself there isn't much you can do.

He is also setting a terrible example to his children.

Good luck OP.

I hope it isn't all just talk, but only time will tell. He may be skeptical about counselling, but I am even more skeptical that he will be able to make and sustain the necessary changes without support. A weekly 'checking in' chat with you isn't enough.

Please do seek out some support for yourself via Al-Anon or similar. It will be beneficial to you, regardless of what he does.

Time will tell. I've set the seen now and I can revisit the counselling thing. I just didn't want to push it too much last night as he had made such progress even admitting there was an issue!

Keeping everything crossed