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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband has a drinking problem?

133 replies

Mumof3MasterofNone · 30/04/2017 16:29

I feel kind of awful for thinking this but....
Husband drinks about 2.5 pints every night. This has been ongoing for years. Everything in moderation is his mantra. It's never bothered me until a recent holiday when everyday revolved around him being able to have his beer. He also won't eat with us anymore as he doesn't like to drink on a full stomach so he waits until the kids are in bed, has his beers then his tea. It's very ritualistic.
I let it go on holiday (god that makes me sound like a right nag) I mean I didn't make an issue out of it for the sake of the holiday.
Anyway we're back now, and he has suspected gout 🙈
Doc says beer is the worst cause. Husband disagrees 'everything in moderation'. Apparently doc says it's common after holiday as you get dehydrated. So it seems beer is off the hook with that one comment?

So all our weekend plans have gone awry because he can't walk. I'm doing everything. Last night he asks me to go to the shop. No problem, what would you like? The reply-beer!

So I said that I didn't feel comfortable buying him beer. Why don't you have a break from it to give your body chance to fight the gout. 'I don't want to' came the reply.
Apparently I'm trying to control him and he doesn't agree that beer does any harm. Maybe it wasn't the cause, maybe it was. Surely if there were doubt then it's sensible to have a break?
Is 2 beers a day every day too much?
AIBU??

OP posts:
FelixtheMouse · 30/04/2017 22:04

Good luck OP. We're rooting for you.Flowers

TimeforANewTwatName · 30/04/2017 22:06

I would urge you to get in touch with and go to an al anon meeting. They help you to take control of your life. (That isn't to say it's about making you ditch your alcoholic) more about supporting you.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings

Flowers
Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 30/04/2017 22:14

Feeling rather exhausted and confused now. Where do I start? Alcohol or eating? How has it come to this? 😞
I've looked at Al-anon they have a meeting near me 👍🏼
Thanks all, really appreciate it 😘

OP posts:
witchofzog · 30/04/2017 22:20

I have a friend who cannot eat in front of people due to a swallowing / choking phobia. She can only eat in front of people and enjoy her food after a few drinks. Does or had your dh ever struggled to eat in front of people before?

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 30/04/2017 22:24

@witchofzog he only struggles because he likes to gorge himself and he doesn't like people thinking he's greedy. He doesn't like to be judged.
You know writing all this down is tough but it makes me realise the amount of issues there are.
Just don't know how to fix it or where to start 😐

OP posts:
witchofzog · 30/04/2017 22:29

I was just wondering about the gorging because if he can only eat after drinking, he may be trying to eat all his meals when he is able to.

I hope not though because my friend struggles terribly Sad

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 30/04/2017 22:33

I think his phobia is purely being judged! He eats late as he wants to drink first it's all a mess 😢

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 30/04/2017 22:44

You can't fix this. If he doesn't believe he has a problem AND doesn't have a real desire to change then things WILL stay the same. I'm sorry OP

Collaborate · 30/04/2017 22:59

He's having nearly 40 units of alcohol per week when the limit is 14.

Don't judge him by the limits. 14 units a week is less than a pint a day, so if you think that anyone drinking more than a pint a day has a drink problem I'm going to feel like someone's popped me in a time machine and dropped me in to the middle of a temperance hall in the 1920s.

2.5 pints isn't much in my view, though it sounds to me like he's in a very rigid habit. Is it really that much of a problem? I'd guess not. The doctor said it didn't cause the gout, so can you really point to any health issues it's causing?

Notsoslimshady · 30/04/2017 23:57

2.5 pints might not seem like a lot. 2.5 pints on an empty stomach really does. If i had a pint and han't eaten since the night before, i'd be pissed.

The fact that your holiday had to revolve around him drinking and eating late is a problem. It's one thing saying "relax, have a drink, we're on holiday". It's something else entirely that you all had to fit around it.

If you had just said "my husband has a couple of pints every night" but with none of the other stuff, i wouldn't think it was a big deal.

FusionChefGeoff · 01/05/2017 00:30

I think the lack of food is to ensure the otherwise fairly 'normal' amount of booze has the most possible impact.

So, in itself, is very abnormal behaviour and definitely suggests an alcohol problem.

kali110 · 01/05/2017 00:55

I agree with bluntness
The amount he's drinking isn't really a problem, it's his rituals and eating that are the problem.
It does sound like he has an eating disorder, the drinking rituals could well be linked, the need to have control.

Timeforabiscuit · 01/05/2017 09:00

Did he have a blood test at the doctors?

Helloitsme88 · 01/05/2017 10:30

2.5 beers is 6 units.
That's the equivalent of 2.5 wines which is over half a bottle a night.
It's 42 units a week. Recommendation is 14....
It's a lot. Beer is heavy too....
And honestly- I drink that much and I'm worried about it. I'm not making the effort to have 3 dry days a week.
Or can he cut down to 1 beer or have 2 days off in the week.
And maybe he needs to increase his water intake if he has gout. All that booze is massively dehydrating

Helloitsme88 · 01/05/2017 10:30

Expensive too....

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 01/05/2017 15:57

I have suggesting dry days or cutting down but the response I get is 'I don't want to' 😞

He is due to have a blood test in a few weeks- doc said it has to be after the gout episode.

And yes, it is expensive!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 01/05/2017 16:25

He won't want to have dry days or cut down. He has a problem with drink. You need to decide what you are going to do. You can't persuade him to change. He has to decide himself.

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 01/05/2017 16:31

I know. The holiday was a turning point. I'm just not happy living this way anymore or the kids. I don't want to split up 😢

OP posts:
CyclingFanGirl · 01/05/2017 16:42

So sorry to hear about this OP Flowers

The reality is that being an alcoholic isn't just about the amount he is drinking, but about how he is drinking. As you have pointed out, he is unable/unwilling to stop despite demonstrable impact on his family and his health. Have you come across the CAGE screening questions? Try applying them to him:
Have you ever felt you should cut down your drinking?
Have people annoyed you by criticising your drinking?
Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking?
Have you ever had an eye-opener, a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves?

Yes to more than 1 of these questions strongly suggests an alcohol problem.

CyclingFanGirl · 01/05/2017 16:45

Also, bear in mind that you might not be seeing all of his alcohol intake. After my alcoholic family member died his widow was finding half-drunk bottles throughout the house for years.

As a previous poster said, you can speak to his GP about it, they can't tell you anything about his health or what he has told them, but they can and should listen to what you are saying.

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 01/05/2017 17:46

I'm fairly confident that he's only drinking the 2.5 beers a night. He doesn't think he has a problem so therefore there is nothing to hide?

Once the kids go to bed tonight I should talk to him but I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 01/05/2017 17:48

@Cyclingfangirl

I've never heard of those questions but I know the second one would be yes. He makes it quite clear how annoying I am 🙈

OP posts:
Notsoslimshady · 01/05/2017 18:14

Have decided what you're going to say?

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 01/05/2017 18:16

I've been writing things down but I keep changing it. I'm going round in circles 🙃
I'm stupidly nervous. I know it's not about me but I don't want to be shot down and laughed at again 😞

OP posts:
Notsoslimshady · 01/05/2017 18:24

Maybe you could write it down and give it to him instead?

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