To think my husband has a drinking problem?

[Mumof3MasterofNone]

I feel kind of awful for thinking this but....
Husband drinks about 2.5 pints every night. This has been ongoing for years. Everything in moderation is his mantra. It's never bothered me until a recent holiday when everyday revolved around him being able to have his beer. He also won't eat with us anymore as he doesn't like to drink on a full stomach so he waits until the kids are in bed, has his beers then his tea. It's very ritualistic.
I let it go on holiday (god that makes me sound like a right nag) I mean I didn't make an issue out of it for the sake of the holiday.
Anyway we're back now, and he has suspected gout 🙈
Doc says beer is the worst cause. Husband disagrees 'everything in moderation'. Apparently doc says it's common after holiday as you get dehydrated. So it seems beer is off the hook with that one comment?

So all our weekend plans have gone awry because he can't walk. I'm doing everything. Last night he asks me to go to the shop. No problem, what would you like? The reply-beer!

So I said that I didn't feel comfortable buying him beer. Why don't you have a break from it to give your body chance to fight the gout. 'I don't want to' came the reply.
Apparently I'm trying to control him and he doesn't agree that beer does any harm. Maybe it wasn't the cause, maybe it was. Surely if there were doubt then it's sensible to have a break?
Is 2 beers a day every day too much?
AIBU??

@danTDM - whether or not you agree with alcohol limits, can you not see that it is a problem when someone has to have alcohol every night, and cannot go without it for even a few days, when advised to do so by a doctor. He has a condition that is caused/exacerbated by alcohol, and cannot go without the beer to see if that helps the gout improve.

That is the very definition of having a problem with alcohol, IMO.

Only you can say how much this bothers you and how far you are willing to go to change it.

In the end though, he is an adult and while drinking this much is against the guidelines, those guidelines regularly change and are only based on limited evidence (and I've done some serious digging into them before). Personally, I try to stick to them but that's my choice - not everyone elses necessarily. I presume he is equally aware of the guidelines but has made the choice not to.

Also, having been diagnosed with gout and therefore knowing quite a lot about it, it has long been known that diet has a very minor impact on the disease in almost all cases and that, even if your DH was to entirely cut out alcohol and other high-purine foods there is every chance it won't make the slightest bit of difference.

I think you therefore have to decide - how much does this really affect you and how far are you willing to go to try and get him to change, given that, if he really isn't willing, it might cause other problems within your relationship . Only you can say.

I think the beer is a red herring here and is being used by the ops husband as an excuse and method to detract attention from the fact he doesn't want to eat. I really think it's food that's the issue.

Dan and Bluntness - sorry but the guy is an alcoholic. 5 units a night? Every night? Yup. And has a painful condition the doctor says is related to alcohol and continues to drink?

He is a healthy weight, and athletic looking. He worries about getting a beer belly.
He also eats a whole days worth of calories when he does sit down. Like so much food I can't even comprehend how he eats it all! He's quite secretive about this too. He will only really do it in front of me.
I do think there is a food issue too but daily drinking is also concerning.
We were staying with my relatives that he gets on with. Staying with them (fir one weekend of our holiday) wasn't as issue apart from him worrying about when he can eat/drink etc

@Bluntness100 - to be honest, whether or not the beer has caused the gout, and whether or not the OP's dh has a problem eating, the fact that he absolutely cannot go without his two pints every night is a problem.

My dh used to have an alcohol problem. He could go without alcohol when he had to (driving, work etc), but when he could have a drink, he couldn't stop at one - he had to finish off whatever alcohol was there.

He finally hit rock bottom, and got help. He hasn't had an alcoholic drink for over 10 years.

He's meant to have no more then 14 units a week according to the NHS. So that's 7 pints a week. Just one pint a week would count as moderation. Two and a half pints is drinking too much.

I wouldn't buy the beer, particularly considering that he has gout. In fact it's worth reading up about gout so that he can be informed properly.

I'd do a bet with him. He gives up alcohol for a fortnight, while you give up chocolate for the same length of time.

One pint a night would be moderation

My dad is very similar. He has been this way for probably 30 odd years! He used to drink more on occasions but would be so unpleasant my mum has banned him from drinking more than 2 cans a day. But he has the crappiest high alcohol content cans he can find. He also doesn't eat all day and has a big meal around 10pm, after his beer. I realised recently that it's probably so the alcohol hits him harder...that he wouldn't feel the effects of it on a full stomach. My mum has tried all sorts over the years to try and get him to stop. At one point she took him to the doctors and he went to some al-anon sessions, but I spotted him in town one day when he was supposed to be there. He clearly doesn't want to stop. And that is the crux of it. I really don't know the solution is. My friend works in the NHS in alcohol dependency and she said the most important thing is, rather than stop drinking altogether, to have 3 consecutive days off every week to give your body chance to recover.

So he's binge eating? I don't think I could eat a whole day's calories in one go.
Is he starving himself so the alcohol has more of an effect? Or is there a medical cause he feels full before he should?

I really urge you to check out an organisation for the family or friends of those with alcohol issues - www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Much help there. It definitely sounds like alcohol is his 1st priority. I wouldn't be surprised if he drinks much more than you think too. It's affecting his health and his relationships, but if he doesn't want to stop you can't make him.

He's definitely binge eating. He says he can't eat during the day now, he also says he likes to save his calories so he can eat what he wants when he does eat. The not drinking on a full stomach thing was a recent comment. I guess because beer is bloating?
He suffers from indigestion and upset guts during the night quite often.
He has suffered from stress with work etc in the past.
I've tried talking about all of these things but I get 'eye roll' and I'm fine 😞

Sounds like a disordered eating thing as well. Does he vomit do you think?

He's definitely binge eating. He says he can't eat during the day now, he also says he likes to save his calories so he can eat what he wants when he does eat. The not drinking on a full stomach thing was a recent comment. I guess because beer is bloating?
He suffers from indigestion and upset guts during the night quite often.
He has suffered from stress with work etc in the past.
I've tried talking about all of these things but I get 'eye roll' and I'm fine 😞

Sounds like an eating disorder, maybe a form of bulimia, and it's probably that which is behind his gout.

If you'd posted a thread about his eating, not eating all day, not eating with family, controlling when to eat on holiday, eating a whole day of calories in one sitting, binge eating secretly you'd be getting very different responses. The booze is ritualistic, but there is something very wrong with his attitude to food and I think that's the main problem. He has an eating disorder.

He suffers from indigestion and upset guts during the night quite often

He would do if he eats late at night and all his days food in one binge.

Upset guts, feeling bloated & digestive problems is also indicative of alcohol stress. Does he pass / vomit blood?

Doesn't vomit at all to my knowledge or pass blood he says he just likes his routine this way. But if we got out for dinner he orders a salad or pocks at his food. Then it 'oh I can't eat a big meal during the day' thing.
I do think it's unhealthy all of it.

Your DH seems to me to have a sheaf of problems with food, obsessive behaviour and food with booze, ironically, the least of them. He needs help. I get gout and refusing to do something that would cure that ghastly pain, is just amazing.

There's something very wrong there. Really there is. Could be there is a physical issue or may be a psychological one but it is not healthy or normal.
I second Al Anon. You need support.

I would say he was alcohol dependent.

@FelixTheMouse I think you're right. The problem I have is putting my big girl pants on and seeing past the deflection on to me (controlling/overreacting) and talking rationally to him about it without getting upset. It's just gone on so long and I've kept quiet. I've built up this frustration and worry now that prohibits me being of any use to him 🙃

Alcohol problem, definitely. The food is a separate issue. Don't get distracted by that!
2.5 pints a night is 5 units, isn't it??
x7 days = 35 units a week.
Way too much.
And his behaviour to you when you try to bring it up? Not great.
How many years do you want to put up with this? Do you want your DCs to watch this and think it normal and acceptable behaviour?
Oesphageal cancer, cirrhosis, korsakoff's dementia, alcohol-related blindness (now I understand where the expression 'blind drunk' came from), bleeding out through ruptured oesophageal varicose veins - all not pretty, and have all happened to people I knew. They're dead now.

@bluetrews25 I don't want to continue like this for another second. It has taken over our life. But I don't want my kids to lose their dad or me my husband. But like many have said, I can't make him see the problem.
Guess this is why I haven't done anything until now.
Feel stuck. Sorry for sounding lame. I'm normally a strong tough lady 😩

You don't sound lame at all, @mumof3 You are in a hard place, and getting out of it seems even harder than staying put!
I can't imagine being in your position, and totally get why it's easier to minimise, deny and delay.
But ultimately, things need to change.
You won't be able to control his behaviour, you can only control your own.
Good luck. Lots of us rooting for you on here.