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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my fellow mumsnetters to stop saying 'I would have left'. **trigger warning - domestic violence. Warning added by MNHQ**

389 replies

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 21:43

or 'Id have left after the first slap'.

Domestic violence is insipid. You don't fucking know what you would do until it happens to you.

Every time I read it and I consider myself quite strong, I feel like I'm a weaker female.

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

OP posts:
WayfaringStranger · 29/04/2017 23:46

Still trying to compare experiences Smell. I've known plenty of high risk cases where no children are involved. I've known a couple of people who were murdered, still not children. It's not a competition. It doesn't matter when you left. It doesn't matter if you were slapped once or a hundred times, if you left, you are fucking amazing and you should be proud of yourself for the strength you have.

ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 23:46

i should add that i was in a dv relationship before this one. i left after the second incident and i also scored through the roof then but i wasnt so broken down that leavind was so impossible

JayneAusten · 29/04/2017 23:50

I can see why the phrase is unhelpful as it sounds superior, but I think the rhetoric is right. I do believe that what these posters are (cackhandedly) trying to say is 'No violence is acceptable'.

I don't want posters to be afraid to express that point of view very strongly. I appreciate there are many, many complex reasons why people don't leave the first time they get hit, but I don't think there's anything wrong with saying to them loudly and clearly that they absolutely should.

It's like saying to someone with a lump that they should go to the doctor and get it checked out straight away. "I'd be straight down the doctor on Monday with that!" The rhetoric is right and good, and far more helpful than, "If that happened to me I'd probably ignore it for a couple of months, think it must be nothing, hope it went away..." etc etc.

I really think that the message intended by those kind of 'I would leave' posts is the right one and one we should perpetuate, whilst offering kindness, support and a strong reinforcement of the 'leave' message to those who don't feel able to leave at the first incident.

FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 23:53

I dont want fellow mnetters to stop saying they would have left.
Say it more as leaving asap is the best response. Not right just best.
Abusers normalise their behaviour. They gaslight the victim in to believing they cant leave. Nobody does. Leaving is frowned upon and admitting fault, to leave brings shame.

ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 23:54

of course no one is saying its easy to leave after the first time... its fucking hard which is why so many dont but i also dont get how people cant see that every single time it happens it makes it harder and harder to leave. its amazing to be able to leave after the first time but it does get harder the longee you put up with it and/or once babies are made.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 23:56

No, it may get harder the longer you put up with it, it may be just as hard leaving after the first physical incident.

As I said previously, you have no idea what the person has been through previously, what that incident involves and what they go through afterwards.

You seem intent on playing this piss poor game of point scoring when you really have no grasp of other women's situations.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 23:57

Some women find it easier to leave if they have a child as their reason to leave is to protect their child. Some women find it harder to leave after having a child because they don't want to breakdown the family unit.

There's no "this has happened to a woman (childbirth) so therefore they are going to think like this, and act like that" going on.

hairhelppleasex · 30/04/2017 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseQueen · 30/04/2017 00:07

Not read all the thread. I agree with you though.
I'm 20 years into an amazing, non abusive relationship and it's easy to say that "I'd never put up with any crap.
However, since being a member of MN and NM since forever it's easy to see other viewpoints and see how it happens.Sad

StrangeLookingParasite · 30/04/2017 00:07

You are a fool if you think you are 'safe' from that 'sort' or relationship.

I just wanted to reiterate this. I never thought I'd end up there either. The physical stuff was really, really minor, but the emotional was really horrible. It can happen to anyone, anyone at all.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 00:11

hair - you've nailed it.

I'm in the form filling season now.

OP posts:
Trebla · 30/04/2017 00:13

My mum left after the first slap. it was in front of us as kids. I think that was as much motivation for her as the slap itself. I'm not sure if it had been just between them she would have left so soon though, not does she...

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 00:14

Just to clarify. I just don't like the 'I would have left...'
Suggesting to leave I have full support for.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 30/04/2017 00:14

The shark cage theory is amazing, thank you so much for posting it, Foldedtshirt.

I used to think like the OP describes. That I would leave after the first hit. I even remember my DF saying to me when I was a teenager living at home, that if a man ever raised a hand to me, to walk out and never look back.

But maturity, and many years posting on here, have taught me that it is very, very difficult for some people. And that it's not a level playing field at all.

The shark cage theory explains that beautifully. If only everyone understood this, there might be better understanding why it's so difficult for some people to leave.

khajiit13 · 30/04/2017 00:15

I didn't leave after the first slap. I slapped him back. Our relationship was volatile for a while, but basically we were immature and naive. We grew together and would never resort to that now. If he stooped that low now, he'd have a short sharp shock. We'd be done. I hope. I don't think YABU OP. I think every one thinks/desperately hopes it's a one off.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 00:17

Trebla, I would bet my house that it wasn't the first slap. It was the first slap that you saw and that was her breaking point. Mammies hold a lot of secrets. It was not the first slap.

OP posts:
Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 00:22

What is this shark cage theory?

OP posts:
CheeseQueen · 30/04/2017 00:23

Not read all the thread. I agree with you though.I'm 20 years into an amazing, non abusive relationship and it's easy to say that "I'd never put up with any crap.However, since being a member of MN and NM since forever it's easy to see other viewpoints and see how it happens*

Forgot to add, very supportive, loving, always there parents still married now well over 40 years later. Maybe it takes a view on what you take on in adulthood and get attracted to as adults and wish for yourselves/seek out.

Seren85 · 30/04/2017 00:24

I left after the first slap/kick (we were in bed, he kicked me, I got out and sat on the floor and he hit me). What I didn't leave after was the years of verbal/emotional abuse or the first time he slammed a door in my face or the first time he pushed past me hard and I was smacked into the door frame or the first time I went for a hug and he pushed me away so hard that I tripped over and fell.

I was the teenage girl sat at a kitchen table saying to my Mum (think it was related to something on Corrie) that I couldn't understand why women don't just leave. She explained why they often can't.

She was a wonderful support when I left. And when I went back and when I finally came home.

"I would have just left" is so simplistic. Maybe YOU would. Probably not but ok. It doesn't mean every other person who doesn't is to blame for their abuse. Life is hard and complex. Noone deserves to be abused. Don't make it harder for them by judging them or making them feel even worse.

Trebla · 30/04/2017 00:28

Perhaps... but she is pretty honest about a lot of other stuff. I can say it wasn't perfect though. I can also say that I don't think I would walk out on 20yrs of relationship at the first slap. If assume there was a reason and try and work it through. It's hot to be terrifying. Shit if you stay, shit if you go. It's brave to leave, whenever, it take a guts and esteem. Its brave to stay and try and make it work too because despite the violence I guess there is always hope and optimism. Hope it works out for you soon.

babyinarms · 30/04/2017 00:32

My best friend left an abusive relationship after the first slap. But the first slap was the last straw. Before that there was a lot of controlling behaviour and emotional abuse.
So leaving after the first slap does not mean she left at the first sign of abuse. She had put up with a lot before this happened iykwim.
Physical abuse doesn't come out of nowhere , usually there is a build up.
People are not weak if they don't leave. They sometimes truly believe their dp will change, believe they have no where to go, have no money, believe the dp will taunt them and Make life miserable anyway.
It's so complicated !
My dm left my df after 21 years of abuse. She's the strongest woman I know.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 00:34

If I got a slap after a 20 year relationship I'd have him at the GP to check for dementia or a brain tumour. People are the way they are. It doesn't take 20 years for them to 'let it out'.

OP posts:
tiredandgrumpy101 · 30/04/2017 00:36

For me first time was a total shock, 2nd & 3rd also took an awful long time to have the courage and confidence to leave,I personally don't think anyone leaves after the first.a million reasons make you stay with who you love, good luck I hope things work out for you, 8 times is enough I really hope you don't get to 9 xxx

user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 00:37

"People are the way they are. It doesn't take 20 years for them to 'let it out'."

You are being so dismissive and degrading of other women's experiences. Again.

babyinarms · 30/04/2017 00:38

cheesequeen, I know people can get caught in cycle of abuse. What is seen at home is subconsciously sought after in adult life.
However, I came from a domestic violence background and I specifically sought out a man the direct opposite of my df. We're together 20 years now and have 3 dcs. He's such a loving dh and df, so cycles can be broken .

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