to ask my fellow mumsnetters to stop saying 'I would have left'. **trigger warning - domestic violence. Warning added by MNHQ**

[myoriginal3]

or 'Id have left after the first slap'.

Domestic violence is insipid. You don't fucking know what you would do until it happens to you.

Every time I read it and I consider myself quite strong, I feel like I'm a weaker female.

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

Ah, that was aimed at me.

Well if you do need to repeatedly be reminded that you are the one saying things then yes, I'm quite happy to be Julius fucking Caesar. It's not us saying these things, and this has been demonstrated by the numerous post quotes and examples I've replied back to you with.

Homity

Yes. Agreed. The attitudes need to go. For everyone's sake.

My x is a truly awful person on the inside but after i left I do think it made him modify his outward behaviour a little. he is with somebody new and she doesn't live with him full time and she still has her job and a car and they have no child together. I don't for a moment think that he is a better person now but I would like to think that he 'chose' a woman who could walk away quicker if he became abusive, to 'save' himself from being abusive again??? I might be completely deluding myself.

Puddy Sorry I missed your post - I can believe that. A lot of these men don't think there is anything wrong with their behaviour.

My point is really that it's so not as simple as just leaving. These men are not just harmless arse holes who will leave you alone if you stand up to them, they are dangerous abusers who will stop at nothing to keep control of you.

It's actually quite relevantly recent Soya. It was when the crowds were asking for Barabus (a murderer) to be freed in order to instead crucify Jesus. That's when Julius Caesar stated those words. In Aramaic or Arabic, but that's how they're translated into English.

It has already been said by smeaton and gold and others upthread, but the violence and assaults often don't start until after the person's belief in themselves is at a very low point.

They have been removed from friends and family and it is a very deep hole to get out of.

Those that leave at the first blow are few and far between. (both male and female)

"It was when the crowds were asking for Barabus (a murderer) to be freed in order to instead crucify Jesus. "

Right, let me guess, you are viewing yourself as Jesus and everyone who's left DV after one physical incident as Barabus?

That was Pontius Pilate, and it was actually Jesus who said the line you're quoting when Pilate asked him if he was a king.

I did not think this thread could get any worse yet here some posters are still point scoring
There is no prize for getting hit the most OP.

OP you post about not wanting to be judged yet it is YOU who are judging others because you percieve their experience of DV to be less than yours. Thats messed up.

User

I don't think that was Julius Caesar, OP. In fact it definitely wasn't. Not sure which Caesar it was though.

Googled. Tiberius.

It was when the crowds were asking for Barabus (a murderer) to be freed in order to instead crucify Jesus. That's when Julius Caesar stated those words. In Aramaic or Arabic, but that's how they're translated into English.

Read yer bible Soya

Oh, dear.

It might be wise for you to step away from this thread, OP.

This thread is a wrong 'un. Really wrong.

However I am joining to point out that Julius Caesar died before Christ was born and could not have spoken Arabic.

Thank you Flossy.

What is the "point scoring" thing you keep mentioning Flossy ?
You said I was doing it ages ago when I mentioned that pregnancy and post birth are flash points for DV?
I don't understand what point you are trying to make?

This thread is deeply upsetting.

Minimising anyone's experience of DV based soley on the number of violent incidents is unhelpful single minded or just fucking stupid

OP your words are hurtful.

I am not the only poster to mention it Smell and if you read your own posts you will see it.

It's in relation to your comments about leaving after 1 incident being different to leaving after 20 incidents.

At the end of the day the woman has still been through DV, and as I said before, we have no idea about what the incident was, what happened before the incident, what happened after the incident and how built up her "shark cage" was - all of these have a huge affect on a woman going through DV.

It's not as simple to say 'well you left after one event so therefore it was easier, different, you don't know what you are talking about" etc.

Pregnancy and birth are flash points for DV, but equally so are having access to women's, killing a pet, previous criminal histories (there's a whole list of 24 different points). It doesn't matter which you've been through, they are still DASH indicators of violence.

Some people do leave, some people don't. It's unfair to judge either.

I left after the first punch and was accused of 'not trying hard enough'. I should have given it another go. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt when he said he was sorry. That everyone deserves a second chance.

I left and didn't go back for the simple reason that I was scared. I was terrified that the person I loved with all my heart didn't actually exist and this other person who punched me so hard he fractured my jaw was in his place.

I was astounded by the people who seemed to think I'd just thrown the towel in lightly and that I should have given him another chance. My mum and dad were the only people who seemed to think I'd done the right thing and fully supported me.

I think the thread should stand.

It's full of much food for thought and experiences and opinions.

I do agree the irony is that OP stands in judgement herself. But I wish her only the best - and same to everyone who is experiencing or is a survivor of DV

original There is lots of support and praise for the women who do leave on MN. I see it all the time. I said it myself up thread. Posters follow other people's stories and when they do leave - no matter how long it took - they are given a lot of well-deserved praise. I think you are selectively reading because you feel bad about yourself and you're projecting those feelings onto others. There will always be the judgemental few but that's not how I've seen threads play out on MN.

OP don't think I've ever been so disgusted. Your posts are shocking.

How dare you tell another victim of DV they're only upset because they weren't smacked around more. You are absolutely vile.

I agree with everything user has said, you are shockingly dismissive and I'm still at your theory on a man who lashes out after many years. He must have a mental health issue he can't possibly be violent. Can you imagine how a woman in this situation would feel reading this?

user I am so sorry for the abuse you have received on this thread I am truly disgusted. OP just because you've been a victim yourself it doesn't give you the green light to be nasty to people, I certainly won't pussyfoot around you. Disgusted.