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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to ask my fellow mumsnetters to stop saying 'I would have left'. **trigger warning - domestic violence. Warning added by MNHQ**

389 replies

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 21:43

or 'Id have left after the first slap'.

Domestic violence is insipid. You don't fucking know what you would do until it happens to you.

Every time I read it and I consider myself quite strong, I feel like I'm a weaker female.

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

OP posts:
Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 10:10

I think a few of you could do with looking at this link. It's advice from Women's Aid for what to do if you're worried about a friend. Nowhere in this advice is there the statement 'I'd have left him before he got a chance to whatever....'

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

OP posts:
pudddy · 30/04/2017 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theBaldSoprano · 30/04/2017 10:11

STOP making this all about you. It's not about you. It's about women like me who DON'T manage to leave

to be fair, if you had written this in your OP, you would have received different replies.

If you haven't left after the first slap, doesn't mean you can't leave after the 2nd or the 3rd. It's not too late.

user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 10:12

No one has said on this thread that women are weaker, you are the only person saying that - these are your views that you are pinning on other women.

I have not made this thread about me at all - the exact opposite - I have consistently said there is more than one experience to DV and you cannot be dismissive to others who have experienced it (as you were doing, repeatedly, to not only me but others).

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 10:14

User - I'm not talking about those women though. I'm talking about women who can't leave.
Jesus. It's like talking to a brick wall.

OP posts:
user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 10:15

Puddy Yes - actually the leaving point was when it got fucking terrifying for me.

pudddy · 30/04/2017 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 10:18

User415. You clearly have a story that you want to tell. So tell it.

OP posts:
user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 10:18

You have been dismissive of those of us that have left, you haven't said "women who can't leave after several physical assaults in 20 years should have gone and got a medical check up on their partner because that's not assault"

You said the woman "who did leave after the first physical assault after a 20 year relationship should have got a doctors check up because that's not how DV works". You completely dismissed that persons experience (just one example).

I think you may actually be suffering from Stockholm syndrome - it's the only way to explain why you are so fucking blasé about women who've been abused and left, telling them they aren't entitled to share their stories, opinions and experiences as it's all "imagined fairy land'.

user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 10:20

Puddy Yes, definitely. It's a never ending sometimes it feels like. So sick of watching my back all the time.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 10:22

User, what do you want me to say? Congratulations for getting away so quickly?

OP posts:
Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 10:23

Can I reiterate particularly to User415. I am not talking about people who manage to get away after the first time.

Last time I'm repeating that point.

OP posts:
LedaP · 30/04/2017 10:26

Op i think what you need to realise is that you find 'i would have left', dismissive and unhelpful.

Personally i have found your posts dismissive and unhelpful to those who have suffered DV in different situations to yours.

I think what we can take away from this is that people make comments that come across as unhelpful and dismissive. But they don't mean it to come across that way. They only have their own experiences to base their comments on. Just like you have in this thread.

Bumbumtaloo · 30/04/2017 10:26

We had actually split up before he laid a finger on me. We had been to a mutual friends wedding, he was steaming drunk. At the time we lived and worked together in a pub. I went home after the wedding and realised I had locked myself out, he had gone for another drink at our sister pub. I finally got through to him and asked if I could pick his key up to let myself in. To this day I'm not a 100% sure why asking for a key sent him over the edge.

He never punched or hit me, he did try and strangle me, threw me into the road in front of a car - the car went round me and a couple of mins later 3 men literally walked over me, the whole time I was screaming at them to help me, not a single one of them did. He kicked me all over my body. I had bruises all around my neck, a black eye and bruises and scrapes all over me.

In that moment I hated him. He apparently couldn't remember doing it, I knew he was lying.

He then went away for a week to 'clear his head' in that week my initial hate disappeared and we talked about getting back together.

He came back from his week away and I was talking to him - I was sat in our car he was outside - he then pulled me out of the car window by my throats and smashed my head into the car. In that moment I knew that was it, he would keep doing it.

I walked away, I left my home and job and went home to live. I found out afterwards he had taken loans and credit cards in my name I was over £40k in debt.

I was single for seven years after, I felt like I couldn't trust anyone. Luckily I then met my dh, he is the total opposite to my ex.

My mums husband and his ex wife used to get into physical fights all the time, he was honest with my mum. My mum knows his ex they were more acquaintances than friends and knew more or less everything that had happened. They have now been together over 20yrs and he has never laid a finger on my mum, he very rarely even raised his voice at her.

In that time my mum has been very unwell - mental health issues several suicide attempts and her being sectioned, none of it anything to do with her husband and he has supported her 100%.

I was really worried about her when they first got together and I can hand on heart say he has been really good for her. Obviously that doesn't take away from what happened with his ex, he is truly a different person now.

lifesjoys · 30/04/2017 10:27

I didn't leave after the first slap! Blush

Although I always stood my ground before I met him that I'd never let a man hit me, I'd leave him there & then.

It's easier to say you will until it happens.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 10:28

To be frank, I think what irks you User415 is that you did get away quickly. So you don't have a catalogue of abuse to report. But whatever happened you was obviously horrific enough for you to leave after the first whatever?
I'm sorry that happened.

OP posts:
user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 10:29

Bumbumtaloo That is really common, splitting up before it happens - I was told this when I left and the example that I was given was Katie Piper (probably a bit of a give away to who I am but screw it, don't think I will post on mumsnet again after reading this thread).

BarryKwipkee · 30/04/2017 10:29

I agree OP, and quite often the first slap isn't even a first slap. It's a shove or a poke, followed by a rougher shove, followed by a rougher shove and a poke........................... They deliberately make it impossible to have a clear boundary. I left in the end but only when I had somewhere to go and some money when I got there. If the first slap came out of nowhere which it rarely does, you'd be less prepared anyway.

user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 10:30

myoriginal stop trying to pin your views on other women. I am not irked by anything apart from your attitude to women who've experienced DV.

Women chose to leave for various reasons, it doesn't necessarily have to be "horrific" as so many posters in this thread have already pointed out. It doesn't make what they have been through any easier.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 10:31

lifesjoys - isn't it fucking just.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 30/04/2017 10:33

I think this is getting ridiculous.

OP, are you seriously trying to say user is bitter because she didn't get hit more? Really?

Shock
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Trifleorbust · 30/04/2017 10:36

Reported.

LedaP · 30/04/2017 10:36

Op i think you are judging yourself because you didnt leave sooner.

Your posts come across as though you are irked by women who did leave sooner.

If the fact that people left sooner makes you feel bad, perhaps you need some more help.

Everyones experience is different. Getting upset at people who left sooner than you did, isnt helping you.

Soyamilkisniceintea · 30/04/2017 10:36

I'm telling, miss. I'm telling.