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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to ask my fellow mumsnetters to stop saying 'I would have left'. **trigger warning - domestic violence. Warning added by MNHQ**

389 replies

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 21:43

or 'Id have left after the first slap'.

Domestic violence is insipid. You don't fucking know what you would do until it happens to you.

Every time I read it and I consider myself quite strong, I feel like I'm a weaker female.

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 30/04/2017 11:38

I left and didn't go back for the simple reason that I was scared. I was terrified that the person I loved with all my heart didn't actually exist and this other person who punched me so hard he fractured my jaw was in his place.

You were so right!

Thank goodness for your parents! It's truly depressing that abusers are validated and excused in this way.

WhataHexIgotinto · 30/04/2017 11:48

I wonder how many people on this thread have heard the words 'but he/she seems so nice', said in a disbelieving tone.

Any victim of abuse deserves to be believed and supported and not belittled, as has happened to some on this thread. That should never happen.

user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 12:12

I wonder how many people on this thread have heard the words 'but he/she seems so nice', said in a disbelieving tone.

Yes, yes. And not just in relation to domestic violence either.

MNHQ
CarolineMumsnet · 30/04/2017 12:12

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page www.mumsnet.com/relationships/domestic-violence-support

In the meantime please can we ask that when you post here you keep in mind peace, love and talk guidelines - if we have to delete too many posts, the thread will end up full of holes and we will be left with no other option than to take it down. Flowers

MrsPeelyWaly · 30/04/2017 12:18

I think User made many a valid point.

ClopySow · 30/04/2017 12:31

This thread is appalling

Whileweareonthesubject · 30/04/2017 12:46

I realise that things have moved on somewhat from the first post, but I thought the OP's problem was not with those who DID leave after the first act of physical violence - mire with those who had not experienced it and yet were saying what they WOULD do in that situation. I'd like to think I would do, but until it happens, I don't actually know what I would do. I hope, that having witnessed my parents abusive marriage until one of them did leave, that I'd be strong enough to leave. But, knowing that it wasn't the dv that broke their marriage, it was the fact that one of them had an affair, I can also see that I might think dv is not so bad. Especially if I'd been conditioned towards acceptance in the way Goldmandra explained earlier. I can also imagine that if my DH was suddenly violent towards me after over 30 happy, non-abusive years, I might wonder if he was ill, especially as people with different types of dementia can become violent where they were not previously.
It's a shame this has deteriorated as I think the original point was probably reasonable.

Smellbellina · 30/04/2017 13:00

Flossy I still have no idea what you mean by "point scoring" and also no idea why you are not willing to explain!

ohdeaeyme · 30/04/2017 13:37

I sure as hell dont agree with a lot of the OPs later posts and i have been thinking about this a lot last night and i would like to point out i only left 3 months ago so things are still very raw but its not about point scoring.

i do feel like i got hammered last night when i never once tried to put down anyones experiences, i know how damaging it is and how hard it is to leave regardless of how many times but for me and the women i have spent time with in my support group that as hard as it was to leave after the first time it got even harder and harder everytime since. maybe thats just my experience and the experience of the women i have met.

i wish every single day i had left straight away, i wish i had been stronger and i bloody wish i hadnt of had kids with him. it left me suicidal knowing i will always have two ties with him i cant erase.

KatieHaslam22 · 30/04/2017 13:54

Maybe people just don't like the idea of you staying in an abusive relationship and are trying to 'encourage' you to leave in their own (rather ununique) way. Personally if my current partner hit me I would have to leave, but if it was an isolated incident then no I wouldn't leave straight away either. If it happened more than once then yes I would leave however I am fortunate enough to have a supportive family very close by that would happily take in myself, my daughter and my dog at little to no notice. Some people have no where to go, some people cannot stand the shame of it and some people just don't know who to tell or talk to. I have witnessed first hand (due to my job) the impact domestic abuse has on the children who hear/sense/see this abuse and it has long lasting implications, therefore personally I would leave but I agree I wouldn't leave after a first incident as everyone deserves a second chance. If it becomes 3/4 chances then there's no other choice, I would have to protect my child.

MrsPeelyWaly · 30/04/2017 14:10

i do feel like i got hammered last night

Hammered in real life and hammered here as well. Im sorry, Flowers

Goldmandra · 30/04/2017 14:20

I wouldn't leave after a first incident as everyone deserves a second chance.

Nobody deserves a second chance to commit assault.

Please don't ever tell anyone who has walked away from an abusive relationship after the first physical assault that they should give their abuser a second chance.

People who have found the strength to walk away from a coercive controller, are very vulnerable to being drawn back into the abusive situation. They need people telling them that they are right to walk away and supporting them to resist the pleas to return and the promises that it will never happen again.

If you encourage someone to return, they may never find a way to leave again, sentencing them to a lifetime of misery and abuse.

RhodaBorrocks · 30/04/2017 14:22

OP I think you are lashing out now because for whatever reason your circumstances are that you haven't left yet.

You started off angry that people who haven't been through DV gave advice to leave, or that they would have left much sooner. You disagreed with that because it's not your personal experience. When others posted here that they did leave quickly, it made you feel angry and upset because again their experiences were different to yours.

If you feel so trapped I can imagine you must feel a degree of envy towards those of us who have been able to leave seemingly so easily. But that is not an excuse to dismiss any of our experiences. Like I said up thread - I had 6 years of emotional abuse which spiralled into financial abuse too. There was only physical abuse in the last 6-10 months and he was clever and never left a mark on me. It doesn't mean I didn't suffer and I don't dismiss any of the women here who left after a shorter time, less abuse OR a longer time and more abuse or any combination thereof.

This thread has not gone how you wanted it to. But I think you need to accept you are judging yourself the most harshly and all of this is projection. But whatever you decide to do you must own it, you can't blame others or dismiss their very valid experiences.

For what it's worth I know someone who is the sweetest lady, a very good Christian woman who would help anyone if she could, who is trapped in an abusive relationship. She has had involvement from the police, social services, the council etc. But because her DH has early onset dementia which is causing his abusive behaviour and they have a joint council house, he can't be removed and she can't leave voluntarily with her 8 kids because she'd be making herself homeless and would not be rehoused. So I get it that sometimes leaving is not an option. She's counting down the years until he is old/severe enough to be accepted into a care home. All I can do is listen to her, commiserate when he has put her or the kids through something else, offer to pick her up and take her back to mine for a cuppa even though she won't leave the kids (and they won't all fit in my tinyflat). But I won't tell her she needs to leave or should have left already. She knows it and she's trying.

I can understand why you are so angry, you must feel like a caged animal seeing the rest of your pride running around on the savannah. But please direct your anger into finding a way to either cope or get support from somewhere, not dragging others down for their action.

For all of us who've shared an experience on this post Flowers Flowers Flowers

LedaP · 30/04/2017 14:27

I wonder how many people on this thread have heard the words 'but he/she seems so nice', said in a disbelieving tone.

I heard it alot. And no he didnt seem the type. Until it became clear that he was exactly that type.

Lweji · 30/04/2017 14:27

I wouldn't leave after a first incident as everyone deserves a second chance.

Having been through DV made me less tolerant of it and I'd rather tell people to leave at the first instance. Why? Because more often than not, it's a first not the only instance. Why put yourself through a second instance just to be sure? That second instance could kill you.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 30/04/2017 14:35

I wouldn't leave after a first incident as everyone deserves a second chance.

No they don't!! There's never an excuse for DV.

The chances of it being a one off are very very remote.

KatieHaslam22 · 30/04/2017 14:43

i wouldn't leave after a first incident as everyone deserves a second chance

Just FYI I was referring to myself personally, I wouldn't leave off a first incident because me and my partner have been together for 10 years happily and he has never tried anything abusive. So I stand by my comment as I was referring to myself and my partner directly not just a general situation.
Obviously everyone is different and everyone's situation is different, everyone telling OP how they would have done things helps nobody because everyone on here it hidden behind their screens and everyone is in a different situation.

Howithappened · 30/04/2017 14:51

What a sad thread. Supporting women leaving difficult relationships is one of the things I think MN does best. It is so unnecessary and unhelpful and, well, just meaningless to compare situations.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2017 14:59

'I wouldn't leave after a first incident as everyone deserves a second chance.'

No, they most certainly don't! This is such a dangerous form of thinking. You see it so often on here, too. An OP posts about a person he/she's been dating for a bit, and they do something that's abusive or the OP just doesn't fancy him/her anymore. 'Aw, give it another go!' 'Sounds depressed/autistic/stressed.'

Anon213 · 30/04/2017 15:02

I am sure some people leave after the first 'slap', but many can't/don't because the first 'slap' isn't the start of the abuse.

For me it started with love and trust which caused me to overlook them slowly taking charge of my life. They convinced me they knew better than me and manipulated me into doing what they wanted by rewarding me with kindness. When I stood up to them the anger came out, objects where thrown and broken. I was made to feel I was the cause of the anger, it was all my fault. My friends and family were sidelined as I tried more and more to appease the person I thought I loved and get back the kindness that became more and more elusive.

I left after the 'attempts' at suicide started, which where supposedly all my fault. But then the evil really surfaced. They had secretly engineered evidence that if I didn't come back they would make sure I never saw my children again, and I believed them. That broke me.

That was when it got physical, I had to be punished for trying to leave, it was all my fault. I wasn't even allowed to put my hands up to protect my face. And the sad thing was I felt it was still all my fault. I actually believed they were punishing me because they loved me.

Every day there was some made up reason to berate me, and the punishments continued until I admitted what I had done and apologized for it. It actually became easier to just make up some infraction and say I was sorry because the pain would be over quicker than if I tried to say I hadn't done anything.

I once managed to walk five miles in the middle of the night to a police station. It was closed. That was when the punishments became sexual as well as physical.

In the end I released I had to give up my children and I left for good. I lost my house, almost went bankrupt, spent 8 years fighting in the courts to keep my children, and had two mental breakdowns.

I dont tell people what happened to me now, they just dont believe it could have happened, why didn't I just leave after the first 'slap'.

I remember being on holiday with them on a remote cliff top, pretending I was so happy. I had my hands outstretched to push them off the cliff, no one would have known it wasn't an accident...

So I agree with the op, I wish people would stop saying/thinking I dont believe you because any normal person would have left at the first slap. Maybe then someone would actually believe me.

mathanxiety · 30/04/2017 15:08

Early onset dementia is a completely different kettle of fish really.

Sallystyle · 30/04/2017 15:13

Yes, I would leave at the first slap now. I would also run from emotional abuse and I know the early signs very clearly.

Being raised in an abusive household, seeing my mum emotionally abused four men over and being in a financially abusive marriage myself as an 18-24 year old has lead me to being able to say that I would leave the second a man laid his hands on me violently.

I don't judge women who take a long time to leave. My life experiences have taught me a lot and every situation is different. I judge the abusive men, not the women who are a victim of them.

I had to work hard on ending the cycle of abuse and realising that love does not equal pain. I learnt that the hard way, not so much from my first marriage but from my mum. Watching her being abused fucking broke me. I had to turn her experiences into something 'positive' and learn from them for me and my children so they did not have to see what I saw. She is in a healthy relationship now but those years of worrying about her were brutal.

I had no role models for healthy relationships at all. I am very happily married now but I had to learn a hell of a lot about myself and have a crap first marriage to get there.

At this point in my life I can say I would leave.

Well done OP for getting out Thanks

user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 15:23

"'I wouldn't leave after a first incident as everyone deserves a second chance.'"

I cannot believe I've just had to read this, even with the clarification, although I am happy the clarification did include the phrase "myself personally".

" Supporting women leaving difficult relationships is one of the things I think MN does best."

Yes. Absolutely. And it does it best because of the influence from a huge mix of people with a huge range of experiences.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/04/2017 15:27

Op
This place is absolutely brilliant for helping people flee DA.

I've witnessed it many times.

I feel like you get aggressive on here. A lot.

Your opinion isn't always the only right one.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 15:42

I repeat, this thread is not about those who manage to leave the first time. It's about those of us who don't.

On every single thread of abuse you will read 'I'd have left after....'. This is not fucking helpful when you're still there. It's unhelpful and victim blaming.

Btw - thanks for correcting me about Caesar/Pilate.

OP posts:
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