To be embarrassed by my friend?

[MrPoppersPenguins]

Whenever we meet for coffee she has her 2yo with her and proceeds to whip out snacks and drinks (for the child) brought from home. These aren't even subtle... think large pastries, sandwiches, yoghurts etc

I'm cringing in the coffee shop hoping the staff don't notice. This week they clearly did (although they didn't say anything). She doesn't have special dietary needs so could eat food from the cafe. My friend isn't struggling for money (she's relatively well off). I'm really embarrassed!! Am I BU to think you don't take your own picnic to a coffee shop?? She does buy herself a drink though.

My dd has been "fussy/picky" ever since she was weaned. We had bloody years of battles until I realised that the more I battled, the more food-averse she became. When I realised that she actually has a really good, healthy, balanced appetite, life became easier. She's now 17 and still has very plain taste in food and anything fizzy or remotely spicy actually "burns" her tongue. Apparently some people have loads more taste receptors giving them a sensitivity to taste.

Anyway, the point to my rambling is that she wasn't being naughty, but to people who say "why are children allowed to be picky", I'd have loved to see you try to get my dd to eat any other sandwich than plain ham, plain chicken, or plain bacon. Costa, Pret and Starbucks et al have lots of lovely toasted sarnies but very few do a plain ham sarnie with no dressing or mayo. Ergo if we weren't in John Lewis with their childrens' lunchboxes, I would always have taken a sarnie for dd to eat while I had a toastie or whatever. Nobody batted an eyelid.

That's a whole different ballgame to producing an entire picnic mind - if said coffee shop sold yoghurt/cake/drinks then I'd buy those for dd along with my drink/lunch. Bringing a small sarnie is one thing, producing half of Waitrose onto the table when no allergies need taking into account is out of order IMO.

If the OPs friend is just being a tightarse and producing similar pastries etc to those sold then no, YANBU to be embarrassed or irritated.

Crumbs I'd love to know why DS can't behave at 5. It's not "not behaving", he still doesn't get that he has to be quiet in certain situations. The school and I suspect ADHD, unfortunately, CAMHS doesn't agree with us.

Crumbs I'd love to know why DS can't behave at 5. It's not "not behaving", he still doesn't get that he has to be quiet in certain situations. The school and I suspect ADHD, unfortunately, CAMHS doesn't agree with us.

We would normally meet somewhere outdoors/park where we could have picnic but it was pouring down and I needed to BF my baby. I don't have a problem with the odd snack from home for little ones/fussy eaters but this child is not at all fussy!! I used to always have snacks in my bag for the older children but not a whole lunch if I knew we were going to a cafe. Also we weren't eating, just a drink each. It was just really obvious, not done subtly at all 😬

SomethingBorrowed some evenings when the DC have after school clubs, the only option I have to get them to bed at a reasonable hour on a school night is taking them to a café. In the time it would take to walk back home and cook the food, they've already eaten it.

Also, are you saying that a DC with SN should never leave the house?

Dd used to work in a "child friendly" cafe toys play sessions went on etc yet parents would buy a cup of coffee and then bring out the kids picnic cheeky buggers sat for hours nursing the coffee the owner didn't say anything because parents got shirty saying little snowflake only ate x y z, yanbu op say something to your friend the toddler is 2 so not a baby

If your child has an allergy or special needs then I still think the politest thing to do is check it's okay.

Most cafe owners are understanding of children and their varying whims and fads but there is a world of difference between politely asking if your child can eat food you've brought for her and plonking a packed lunch in front of them.

Evil Of course a DC with SN can leave the house...
I would be surprised that all the posters saying their DC can't eat coffee bought food / throw food on the floor / make noise are talking about DC with SN though, or they would be really over-represented on MN. Don't try to turn this into a debate about SN please, not what the OP was asking about.

Personnally, if my DC (without SN) don't behave in a café I am considerate enough to take them out so other customers can enjoy their experience. When you have a young child with you, you have to accept that some activities are not appropriate of your DC can't behave.
And yes it is a waste to buy them food from the café, and it would be cheaper to take some from home, but if we choose to go eat in a café we all eat coffee food (of course, tolerance for babies under 1 or DC with severe/rare allergies)

"I wouldn't bring a cat to a coffee shop."

And that's the beauty of cats Nowwhatsthis, you can leave them at home unsupervised. Babies & preschool kids, not so much, rather frowned upon you'll find. ;)

Christ knows what anyone thinks of me then! DS has multiple allergies so I take food for him everywhere in case we get caught away from home at a meal time. Actually not just meal times; if I get hungry and need to eat he will want some, but he won't be able to eat it so woe-betide if I don't have something else I can give him!

His sandwich might look like an ordinary sandwich, but the bread is soya free, the spread is dairy free and the filling is probably tinned salmon because that's about all all he can eat in a sandwich that isn't jam.

Yes, yes, it's polite to ask, and that's usually a practical option so I will. But in a standard chain-type cafe if I've bought and paid for food and drink for me I tend not to mention it. DS takes up the same amount of space if he's eating a home-brought snack as he would if he weren't eating anything at all, so no-one's actually being put out. I have literally never had problems with the management of any cafe I've been in, but apparently it's the other patrons I should be more concerned about...

EpoxyResin, this is a child with no allergies and mum doesn't buy food for herself. She buys a drink and uses the cafe as a lunchroom for her child for the grand price of a cup of tea. I would be embarrassed, same as OP.

I worked in a buffet restaurant where, on the same night, two families came in and each brought food for their child who was about 3/4. One family was refused and the other wasn't. The first family brought the food because the child was capable of eating from the selection of dishes but the parents didn't want to pay something like £3.99 for their child to potentially not eat a lot. The other family were welcomed because their child had allergies and none of the food sas suitable. Very different scenarios, treated very differently, as it should be across the board.

As it was, when my DS was a toddler I never actually went to a Costa/Starbucks to get food because they only sold pre-packed sandwiches. In a normal cafe I'm not sure why parents feel like they can't simply ask for some bread and butter, plain ham or cheese sandwich and so on even if not on the menu. I've never been to a cafe (independently owned or supermarket type) that didn't accommodate these request and therefore give DS something he could eat.

I totally get the allergy thing. Another friend's dc has a bad allergy so I could understand her doing it. But not the allergy free child.

give the woman (OP's friend) a break. this strategy may be the only thing that gets her out with dc and some much needed adult company

I used to take DS1's snack with me when he was that age. He's got an ASC/Aspergers diagnosis, although we didn't know that when he was a toddler, but it meant that what he would eat was very restricted. He's got better as he's got older but in most cafes I'm still struggling to find something he will eat. Even things like yogurts have to be one particular brand or he won't eat them. No one has ever seemed put out by it and I've never checked with owners.

I'm not going to start explaining his diagnosis to cafe owners and waitresses, even though he's happy with his diagnosis and with who he is. I do know some parents who have children with a high functioning ASC/Asperger diagnosis and their children don't know about their diagnosis yet. It would be awkward for them if they had to start explaining about their child's needs every time they wanted to go to a cafe.

If I'm paying for food and drinks for myself and others I don't see what the problem is with one of our group eating a dry cream cracker or two (his favourite) while we tuck into coffee, sandwiches and cakes.

Yes but the child doesn't have ASD and we weren't eating at all!!

MIL does this, it makes me absolutely cringe. Not even for kids - for herself, and she tries to foist it on us too.

Yanbu!

I think this has become pretty normal. If you go to our local Costa on a Friday morning, there will be lots of tables of mums meeting for coffee. They'll bring drinks and snacks for their little ones and often leave the wrappers etc when they leave! Based on what some people have said, I think it's because they think buying stuff from Costa etc is a waste of money for little ones. I used to buy the packs of mini biscuits or muffins for my dcs when they were little. Not very healthy but you've chosen to eat in a cafe and that's what they sell.
If you don't want to pay for drinks/snacks for your dcs or you don't think what's on offer is healthy, meet your friends at home or go to a park.

I know that paxillin, but what I'm saying is a lot of people seem to have an opinion on parents in cafes giving their children food from home based purely on appearances. On appearances I'm terribly rude, and I'm sure (having read this thread) that that's what a lot of people take away from seeing me in cafes with ds.

I wouldn't find it embarrassing if I were the OP, because anyone being scornful towards her friend would be making assumptions based solely on appearances and for all they know there could be a good reason! And in my experience it's very unlikely the actual cafe owners will give two damns, so why clutch our pearls on their account? Of course the cafe owners may mind - as is their right - so it is polite to ask, but a chain cafe isn't going to be fussed is it.

Ooh I cringe too as my friend does this, but on the other hand, my 3 yo was very fussy and in a typical coffee shop would not eat anything savoury (cakes no problem!). I think traditional cafes are easier as they do beans on toast etc, but somewhere like Costa doesn't do savoury items that kids like to eat. That's my experience with my DC and most of my friends' DC (some would eat anything). I have tried buying things like ham and cheese toastie for DD and she would only eat the ham (if that). It just isn't worth £4. I wouldn't share a lunch with DD as she would want to 'have a go' with half of it, but in reality just lick it or pick at it, not eating enough to be full and leaving me without half my lunch too!

In that situation I would

• bring small lunch for DD that is not messy
• buy food and drink for myself
• buy drink for DD and possibly food (pudding)

In that situation, I am still spending a reasonable amount of money and not taking the mickey.

However, where possible we go to cafes that have a kids' menu and I buy everything there.

I expect Costa would rather have customers buying coffee and bringing toddler snacks than not have them at all.

I think you're right halcyon.

Costa really should seize the opportunity and offer more child friendly snacks. I'd actually like to see more low calorie options. Our local independent cafe offers half size toasties for kids which is great but everything else is rubbish!

It wouldn't bother me at all but everyone's different so yanbu. Not sure what the solution would be apart from not meeting up with your friend so you'll just have to grin and bear it or hope the cafe say something but don't dob her in

Costa really should seize the opportunity and offer more child friendly snacks.

Exactly! Little portions of things at fair(ish) prices would go down well I reckon.