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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL not to bring children a present at every visit?

162 replies

ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 14:44

Visits 2-3 times a month. Present every time to the value of approx £10. DH says it is her right as a grandparent. I am worried LO's are being spoilt and expect gifts. My parents visit the same amount and only bring gifts on special occasions. (Last time my parent's came dd asked me (luckily they didn't hear) why they hadn't brought her anything). I don't wish to encourage greed in my children but dh doesn't want anything said for fear of his mum getting upset.

OP posts:
northerner · 12/03/2007 19:35

No I wouldn't mind more tbh.

I think it's really ungrateful when I hear of people moaning about stuff other people buy their kids. Some people genuinley enjoy giving.

My MIL is the opposite. Hardly evers sees my ds let alone brings him anything. I'd love to think of her out in town choosimg things for ds and being excited about giving them to him, but it's not gonna happen.

noonar · 12/03/2007 19:36

hillary, i think you can spoil them, actually. you can undo the damage, but they can start to be behave v badly if given too much, ime.

suejonez · 12/03/2007 19:37

Cov - whisk it away before they unwrap and say "we'll open that later" then sell on ebay and use proceeds to come out on West London nights out. Sorted.

Greensleeves · 12/03/2007 19:39

I can see your point northerner. My two have a granny (dh's mum) who takes very little interest in them too, it's sad for them, and for her really. But I'd rather have her talk to them on the phone/write to them/come and see them than bombard them with expensive merchandise. It's more complex than just "loving grandparents and constant stream of expensive gifts" versus "no grandparents, or ones who don't care".

ScummyMummy · 12/03/2007 19:43

I think it boils down to: is this important enough for you to go out on a limb and be the bad guy, COV? Because, sure as eggs is eggs, if either you or dh (under duress or brought round to your opinion, makes no difference, ime) says anything, YOU (singular) will be the bad guy and offence will be be taken. (Otherwise dh would just say "oh ok" and talk to them. The fact that he's talking grandparental prerogatives means he knows they'd be mighty peeved if he said something and he doesn't want to go there, imo/e). So is this worth +++ family angst over, probably without dh's support? Some things are- is this something you feel strongly enough about? I do see what you and greensleeves and tamum are driving at with the expense levels and I do agree that it's a little different from cheap plastic tat. However, I'm pretty sure that in this situation I'd chicken out for the sake of keeping the peace and save my bad guy status for even more evil crimes to come...

eviletc · 12/03/2007 19:45

i'm with you on this one comeoveneer - my PIL spoil the dcs rotten. which although i don't have a problem with per se, i do when they start expecting stuff or saying things like "i will ask grandad to buy me that" "i expect granny has bought me that" the trouble is, when i tell the dcs they are not to go round asking for stuff like that, the PIL just say " of course they can ask granny and grandad for anything."

hence i occasionally have spoilt brats on my hands, but as someone wise further down said (can't remember who ), a few days on bread and water sorts them out

squidette · 12/03/2007 19:47

You are not being unreasonable at all to ask them to stop bringing gifts.

Maybe ask yourself if fear of his mum getting upset (an emotion that is entirely within her own control btw!) is more important that you raising your own children with the values you choose.

I once read a really interesting book of the seven types of 'love' - and gifting/giving of presents was one of those ways that some people show their love. I think my mother does this - not in a purposefully extravagant way, but its unacceptable to me as i am trying to live a more simple life with my children and plastic 'stuff' doesnt really feature too highly!

Its been hard and uncomfortable for me to explain to her my choices, but i hope that even if she doesnt understand them, she will at least respect them. I hope you are able to resolve this the best way for you.

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 19:53

Yes I agree my children are very fortunate they still have grandparents (and even5 great grandparents) who love them and want to see them and buy nthem stuff etc I do realise that. I just feel over £700 on extra gifts a year above and beyond christmas and birthdays is over the top. I would (certainly for dd who is old enough and expresses an interest in adverts for charities etc on tv) appreciate things like sponsoring a child in another country and writting letters (dd is at the stage where she loves to write and draw), or trips out rather than toys.

OP posts:
Bubble99 · 12/03/2007 19:54

No you're not being unreasonable, COV. I'm in a similar situation with my M & FIL and the thing that gets to me is that we are now unable to but them any special presents as they don't appreciate them as being special. Both Mr Bubble and I have talked to them about it and they do stop buying for a while but then it gradually starts again and I end up with a car full of toys which haven't even made it into the house, such is the appreciation of them.

I think your idea of suggesting that they take them on a special outing instead is a good one.

Eleusis · 12/03/2007 20:07

Hi CoV. I'm wondering if this has to do with the recent move away. Is this the control freaky MIL. Of course it must be (as I assume you have only one MIL). I sort of see your DH's point that some battles aren't worth fighting. But, I think there is more at play here. Probably her way of still being a special part of their lives buy buying them more than they get from other people.

However, I do see your point about it fostering materialistic expectations in your kids and totally understand that you might not like that quality to be encouraged in your children. Send them off with her for some quality time and enjoy the time to yourself. May wisk them off to her house for the next West London Meet up just in case your DH decides he'd like another jolly in New York. Speaking of which, have you made him suffer for the bit of husbandly negligence????

WhoHasBeenPlayingWithMyNoonoo · 12/03/2007 20:37

CoV,

I had that with my MIL, especially with my PFB. I was even looking for the british kite marks to ensure that my dd would be safe to play with it. (Freaky mum alert)

I would always say "You shouldn't have" but I realised I was taking some of the joy out of Grandparenting - still I inwardly cringe when she brings me handknitted items which are full of dropped stitches and completely out of shape.

She also always brings the dog some treats as she says she lookat her funny if she doesn't! - She's a dog ffs

LowFatMilkshake · 12/03/2007 20:55

This thread has bought a smile to my ips.

My MIL buys her DG's strange, weird and crap birthday and Christmas presents. example...candles for a 1 year old! She never gives anything when she visits. Or plastic stuff that falls apart as son as she has gone home.

They have an aunt however who buys lots of expensive clothes which I know as parents me and SIL appreciate for our children.

My DM on the other hand would always have some nice little surprise for my DD, whether it was a nice yoghurt, or 50p for her money box. Then again mum passed away when DD was 18mnths. But we also have lots of hand made stuff like a Peter Rabbit rug, shawls, and a sampler, not to mention art sets, book collections and a lifelike doll- for DD to grow into. So mum continues to spoil her from beyond.

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 20:58

MIlkshake, see that s the kind of stuff I wish she would do (like your Dm did). I think expensive shop bought toys are so impersonal and easy to get, a simple well thought gift or some activity that involves personal effort etc speaks volumes.

OP posts:
alcyone · 12/03/2007 20:58

Awwwww,milkshake,that's lovely!

FrannyandZooey · 12/03/2007 21:07

Oi Greeny

no rucking with St. Enid

AngharadGoldenhand · 12/03/2007 21:13

Would it be worth suggesting to inlaws that they buy stuff to keep at their house for when you visit?
The clutter will start to accumulate in their home and maybe they'll see sense that way.

I'd be really upset if my pils were doing this. Talk about grandparents spoiling children - yes, they are!

Greensleeves · 12/03/2007 21:20

But Franny, she is being silly

I like Angharad's idea. Tell them that while their generosity is appreciated you can only store so many toys so they will have to keep larger items at their house. That might stop their gallop.

FrannyandZooey · 12/03/2007 21:24

Even if she was being silly (the very thought of it!) you must not argue and be mean to Enid. She has agreed to adopt me and you must always be kind and polite to your friends' mothers.

hunkerismunkerless · 12/03/2007 21:26

By Enid on Mon 12-Mar-07 16:07:44
have you said anything light like "honestly Brian it is so good of you but you really dont have to buy things like this for them every time you come"

I'm guessing CoV's MIL isn't called Brian.

Other than that, I would suggest eBaying the junk and putting the money into bank accounts for the DC, CoV.

I would say something to your MIL myself and not expect DH to say it. Something light, as Enid suggested - like "Get yer junk OUT of my house, you mad money-spending bint! It won't buy their love, you know!" - as I say, keep it light.

hunkerismunkerless · 12/03/2007 21:26
Spidermama · 12/03/2007 21:28

I haven't read whole thread yet but I totally sympathis ComeOVeneer. My MIL is exactly the same. Consequently the kids rush up to her and say, 'What have you got us'. I've told them off, but you can't really blame them.

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 21:28

Hunker can I adopt you as a go between?

OP posts:
luciemule · 12/03/2007 21:30

I'm just having this very problem with my DH's parents at the moment - we see them on average once a week so you can imagine the amount of stuff we're accumulating. Last week they even bought my DD a dressing gown (which I'd already said she didn't need at Christmas as my nan had bought her one). She told me to keep it anyway and have 2! I asked her to take it back and exchange it so as not to waste her money but she insisted on me keeping it. DD also recently said she perferred that nanna to my mum as that nann bought them more pressies! I explained that it was wrong to think like that but I can't blame her as she's so spolit by them. The funny thing is, the presents are often really cheapy ones that break within a week but when I try to thrown them out, DD begs me to keep them so I've got bits of things hideen over the house by DD! I think I'll ask if they can start putting money into accounts instead - no doubt MIL will disagree. I think she does it to make sure the children stay liking her, which is very wrong.

fireflyfairy2 · 12/03/2007 21:36

My IL's were always going mad... spending piles of money on our kids. They are their only grandkids though, so I can sort of understand it.

2 christmasses [sp] ago they waited until xmas morning when kids had opened their stuff from santa... & went totally overboard, with a huge black bin liner full of toys... I hit the roof. We had a row. We were called ungrateful & they were accused of trying to buy the kids love.

We didn't speak for weeks & weeks, it was our kids that were missing out

Finally we have made up. This Xmas the kids got 2 things each, & they said they would buy them something for outside in the summer

So there's one happy'ish ending

baggybelly · 12/03/2007 21:37

both sets of grandparents go OTT with prezzies for my LO's - but then surely thats part of the privelage of being a grandparent? I do make sure that they keep some toys at their house which saves me packing a bagful for each visit (interestingly we somehow always seem to leave the large and noisy toys behind )