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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL not to bring children a present at every visit?

162 replies

ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 14:44

Visits 2-3 times a month. Present every time to the value of approx £10. DH says it is her right as a grandparent. I am worried LO's are being spoilt and expect gifts. My parents visit the same amount and only bring gifts on special occasions. (Last time my parent's came dd asked me (luckily they didn't hear) why they hadn't brought her anything). I don't wish to encourage greed in my children but dh doesn't want anything said for fear of his mum getting upset.

OP posts:
Enid · 12/03/2007 16:10

kids LOVE frivolous toys and plastic tat

IMO

nailpolish · 12/03/2007 16:12

yes id rather have tatt if its inundated

a cheap necklace that gets worn once then breaks
"oh well"

cos you know another one will appear next week anyway

nailpolish · 12/03/2007 16:13

ora comic that gets coloured in and cut up then dumped

cos the friggin tweenies comes out weekly doncha know

tbh id rahter have presents of tights or pants or vests as i grudge buying these things

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 16:16

Its not a cheap necklace that breaks after one day, it is a full dressing up outfit with shoes and accesorries or a remote controlled car. I just think that those sort of presents should be reserved for special occasions and for regular visits a little token is more appropriate. Do you not think £700 a year on 2 children (excluding what they buy them at christmas and birthdays) is not excessive?

OP posts:
Enid · 12/03/2007 16:17

but it isnt your money!

ScummyMummy · 12/03/2007 16:17

I think it's not unreasonable to mind because we are kind of programmed to find in-laws annoying even when they're being nice, I find, but it is definitely unreasonable to ask as they are just being (nice) grandparents and will be hurt. Plus, obv, your kids will hate you if the presents stop flowing because of you, especially if your own parents are no good at giving proper presents (aka plastic crap).

nailpolish · 12/03/2007 16:17

i totally agree with you there comeoveneer

suejonez · 12/03/2007 16:18

I'm with you Cov - my mum spoils DS but its mostly small stuff from charity shops. Agree that its difficult to stop though.

dunscared · 12/03/2007 16:19

I have the same problem with my mum. Everytime she sees them they get something, ususally cheap and tacky plastic toys from "the cheap shop!"
Have tried to discourage it as we see her every week and house filling up with tat, plus want the kids to look foward to seeing her and not just presents. She says they're her only grandkids and "it was only 43p!!" so now just have a clear out every few weeks when kids at nursery........ keeps the peace!

Enid · 12/03/2007 16:19

Look. You cannot control what other people do. You can control your reaction to it or how you handle it with the dcs.

Hulababy · 12/03/2007 16:19

I can't see how you can say something to them without a high risk of offending them TBH.

FioFio · 12/03/2007 16:20

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ScummyMummy · 12/03/2007 16:21

I can't wait to buy my grandchildren plastic tat. And I hope their other grandparents are wooden toy enthusiasts and then I will be the favourite grandparent. It will be a lovely thing, I think.

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 16:21

I know it isn't my money but I think it is giving my children totally the wrong idea about presents and the value of things, plus why should I have to justify my parents behaviour when they are generous people just not ridiculously ott when it comes to gift giving. I just feel that it makes my MIL look like she is trying to buy their affection.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 12/03/2007 16:21

i tried to tell my IL's that the dds would rather have an hr in the park being pushed on the swings than a present but all they said was "oh i dont have proper shoes on for that"

says it all really

Hulababy · 12/03/2007 16:23

COV - your children will work out all this in time though. They will love the people who gives them the most attention and love, not the most toys.

FioFio · 12/03/2007 16:23

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ScummyMummy · 12/03/2007 16:23

Agree hula. Kids aren't silly.

Enid · 12/03/2007 16:24

agree with hula and scummy

are you sure this isn't actually about YOU? do you think you would feel the same if it were your parents buying all the stuff?

harpsichordcarrier · 12/03/2007 16:25

some people do express their affection through buying things though, my ILs do and to try and restrict them would be (I think) like saying - can you try not to express your love for them so much please? I don't express my love like that, and neither do you I expect, but some people do.

redtent · 12/03/2007 16:27

We tolerate the crap MIL buys- it usually falls to bits within a week and is never the kids fav toys iykwim (honestly my kids prefer decent plastic not £1 shop stuff lol)

They just don't understand the spoiling thing- say it's their 'right' . TBH the kids will get to the age where they will be taught to be polite but not be rude about the erm weird and silly plastic- il's will soon realise the toys they choose are not the fav's and finally agree to follow birthday and xmas lists- and maybe even ring and ask before a visit if there is anything the children need or would like!

Honestly if the il's don't get it then they make their own bed and lie in it. Kids are not thick- I certainly wasn't ;)

but ita with all the urghs at trying to handle it right- my other realisation is that I can never be 'right' with MIL so I might as well do my best to do right by MY kids!

saltire · 12/03/2007 16:30

\My MIL does this, and TBH I wouldn't mind if it was something like pencils, colouring books or even a comic, but it's always something cheap with lots of little bits that get lost after half an hour.
My mum buys them things to use at hers - like books, card games etc. She actually went to a shop in Crlisle and found card games like happy families and Old Maid, which my two love playing. She also takes them walks, feeds the ducks, take them to the farm down the road, and they love going there, yet MIL, who buys them loads of stuff won't actually do anything with them, she expects them to willingly go shopping with her!
FIL and step MIL on the other hand don't come to visit us all that often and they always turn up with big huge bags of sweets, I don't mind them ahving the odd sweet, but DS2 can't have certain addivitve and they know this, but still bring things up he can't have, then give them to him when we aren't looking.
I have given up asking not buy them as none of them listen, and no i don't think you are being unreasonable

Enid · 12/03/2007 16:31

my mum buys the dds the most tremendous crap

cheap, shitey tk maxx/poundland crap

they love it for about 30 minutes then it breaks and we chuck it away

I agree it would be more pleasing if they said 'how lovely grandma a hand whittled hoop I will treasure it forever' but...well...

expatinscotland · 12/03/2007 16:36

I pick my battles.

And this isn't one of them.

I don't mind.

They never see one set of grandparents anymore, although these are the ones who always send them loads of expensive gifts and clothes.

But really, it's just a few times a month and it gives the ILs pleasure and it's not really my money and when they get older they're going to want to spend their pocket money on stuff that probably always isn't going to be to my tastes so f*&k it.

Pruni · 12/03/2007 16:37

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