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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL not to bring children a present at every visit?

162 replies

ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 14:44

Visits 2-3 times a month. Present every time to the value of approx £10. DH says it is her right as a grandparent. I am worried LO's are being spoilt and expect gifts. My parents visit the same amount and only bring gifts on special occasions. (Last time my parent's came dd asked me (luckily they didn't hear) why they hadn't brought her anything). I don't wish to encourage greed in my children but dh doesn't want anything said for fear of his mum getting upset.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 12/03/2007 16:56

i think buying books froma cahrity shop is a good idea

good causes and all that

and wonde r at who "Clarissa" is who wrote her name on the inside cover in joined up writing

HEIFER · 12/03/2007 16:57

Isn't that what being a GP is about..

I know that my mum loved to buy things for DD.. I didn't always like it but hey if DD did then fair enough..

I bet my mum got a lot of pleasure out of choosing the present and giving it to DD..

DD (3) has no GPs now to spoil her, so glad my mum did while she was around..

If you don't want the presents tell your GP to pass it our way!

zippitippitoes · 12/03/2007 16:57

maybe the pils don't know how to stop now they've started

they could be having the argumen themselves and would be relieved to cut down

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 16:57

Noonar wehave no room for books either. I have 4 underbed boxes full of books and each child has a bookshelf full in their bedrooms. They just really don't need all these material belongings. If they want to spend their money on them I would much prefer hey ookthem out for the day, or to thetheatre, cinema etc.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 12/03/2007 16:58

fio i drop massive hints whenever dds need shoes

somehow il's like buying shoes

zippitippitoes · 12/03/2007 16:59

I don't think buying stuff is what being a gp is all about tbh

nailpolish · 12/03/2007 16:59

no zippi

being a gp is about babysitting so mummy an ddaddy can go out

FioFio · 12/03/2007 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

puddle · 12/03/2007 17:01

i would perhaps get your dh to drop big hints about Special Days Out with grandparents, rather than presents.

FrannyandZooey · 12/03/2007 17:03

Well it is a bit about her, isn't it

she feels it is possibly undermining her own parenting messages ("save up and wait for things you like"

and she has nowhere to put the stuff

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 17:11

I am not objecting to them giving ther grandchildren treats, I would rather they were either cheaper little treats (preferably disposable) or did things like a theatre/cinema trip, a day out somewhere raather than toys/gifts more suited to birthday/christmas presents. I think it is teaching the children the wrong message.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 12/03/2007 17:12

its totally the wrong message

very materialistic

Enid · 12/03/2007 17:12

lol

the world will undermine your parenting messages

evenhope · 12/03/2007 17:13

My grandparents used to do this when I was little (my mum's parents). Mum heard me and db say one time "hello grandma, what have you brought us?" and put a stop to it there and then. She said we were associating the visits with getting presents, not the pleasure of seeing our grandparents. She was right.

zippitippitoes · 12/03/2007 17:15

ah but there is a rule of this that you have to keep the messages going strong as long as possible like not giving naughty food on the grounds that they will have it one day

...I don't see that pils are always so fragile that they can't have their own son say mum you know we love you slobber kis kiss but we are getting buried under yoyr generous giftsa

Enid · 12/03/2007 17:17

yes agree with zippi

surely there is a good humoured and friendly way to make your point

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 17:37

If it comes from me it won't be seen as good natured however it is phrased, however if it were dh to approach it it would be taken much better, that is whyI want him to talk to her. As I said I don't want him to tell her not to bring something, just to tone the presents down to a less extravagant level. For example when they came this weekend they bought ds a remote control noddy car and dd a boxwith 8 pairs of dressing up shoes, necklaces, bracelets, earings, gloves and makeup.

OP posts:
sunnysideup · 12/03/2007 18:17

I do think it's alot of stuff BUT if it hasn't made your children into spoilt brats yet then I don't suppose it will. The messages mum and dad give ARE more powerful than those from others; and no-one can buy a child's love, that really is given for more heartfelt reasons...but at the same time I remember being pleased to see my extra generous uncle

I think it would be perfectly polite and reasonable for you or dh to say to them "you've always been so generous to the kids, but we are getting to the stage now where we have no room to store more toys. If you want to bring something, could it be a magazine each so that they don't have to spend their pocket money on them?"

If that sort of thing works, then fine, but if they insist on ignoring it then I really wouldn't fight this battle. The values you instil in them are way more powerful than those they get from 2 or 3 visits from the GP's every 4 weeks.

interstellar · 12/03/2007 18:35

I agree with Enid,
a:it's not yr money
b:giving kids stuff materially does not mean they will grow up selfish or demanding
c:be glad your kids have grandparents who love them,actually,that they HAVE grandparents.

Greensleeves · 12/03/2007 18:48

I agree with you COV. It's too much. If this was my family and my children I would have to say something, although I would try to be very gentle about it. I am trying to teach my two that quality of life isn't all about "stuff". I don't want them to be the sort of children who think it's hardly worth leaving the house unless you've got £50 to spend. I picked up ds1 from nursery one day and he said "Where are we going to lunch today Mummy?" and then sulked because I said we were just going home - that was because I had taken them to cafes with friends two days in a row! It's not easy in our current social climate to instil the message that life isn't all about spending money on treats and presents. If it was just the odd piece of cheap tat, or presents every now again as a spontaneous indulgent splurge, I wouldn't interfere, in fact I would think it was lovely. But a remote controlled car, or a full outfit with accessories, something which I would rate as a "main" present for Christmas or a birthday - to bring something like that every time they come, I think that's seriously intruding on their upbringing.

Not the fashionable view, obviously. But if I were you I would say something (as gently as possible) if your dh won't.

zippitippitoes · 12/03/2007 18:57

I don't know hoow old they are but any child given stuff every time will come toexpect it..and they will start asking for it

Enid · 12/03/2007 19:05

so what zippi

its NOT the same as parents doing it

greeny - your son clearly really enjoyed going to the cafe - I hardly think being disappointed that you weren't going to a cafe makes him grasping and greedy

Greensleeves · 12/03/2007 19:07

I didn't say he was grasping and greedy, though. I said I wanted to teach him that life isn't all about spending money on treats and presents, and that good times can be had without spending money on stuff. I used that incident to illustrate how quickly children begin to "expect" if something happens regularly.

zippitippitoes · 12/03/2007 19:07

on your own heads be it

itsme123 · 12/03/2007 19:07

not read the whole thread but is it there way of showing they care perhaps? does / can she do anything else to show she cares?
incidentally, my mil doesnt tend to buy anything except for occassions and i prefer that to be honest BUT then again she wouldnt go out of her way either if u know what i mean.