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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's nothing wrong with leaving your wife and kids

305 replies

Fuzzybuzzybeebee · 27/04/2017 13:54

As long as you support your children and continue to be an active part of their lives.

I'm not talking about men or women who have affairs and leave their partners after cheating on them.

What I mean is a man or woman, who has fallen out of love with their partner or spouse and leaves them. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I actually think it's more cruel to stay with someone you don't love anymore.

My cousin's husband has left her and they have a 1 year and 3 year old. Everyone is saying he's the devil incarnate. I just don't feel that way. He obviously stopped loving her, so had to leave her.

He is still a good Dad to his children and supports both of them and she has said this.

I left my Sons Dad when my son was a toddler. I tried very very hard to stay together but I didn't love him and couldn't stay. I don't think that makes me evil.

You should try and make a relationship work. You should try everything. But when you truly stop loving someone, the right thing to do is leave. And that doesn't make you a bad person as long as you support your children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 27/04/2017 22:20

Leaving your wife with a 1 and 3 year old? YABU. I think it's pathetic. Having two very young children is hard on a relationship, always, and you need to try harder and tough it out, not just leave.

motherinferior · 27/04/2017 22:22

...can't imagine fancying another man, look forward to being with their DH every day etc etc all give the impression that's what marriage should be like.

JacquesHammer · 27/04/2017 22:26

I've never known happy divorced parents, who happily co parent

Honestly it's a really positive thing. We discuss all major decisions together. We pay exactly 50% of costs relating to DD each. We go to events together, we go on days out as a group of three adults and DD.

It's really lovely.

Is this what I imagined would happen when I got married? Of course not.

Am i pleased with how things have worked out? Absolutely. We are both far happier and by extension that means DD sees happy, loving parents who respect each other despite not being married anymore

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 27/04/2017 22:36

I think jacques that may be unusual.

Headofthehive55 · 27/04/2017 22:54

Running two households instead of one, with the same income, usually, means that the children are more likely to be in poverty or have less money available to enjoy.

Running two households and not sharing domestic tasks means parents who separate usually have less time for their children.

Notcontent · 27/04/2017 22:56

My exH left shortly after my dd was born. His decision has had a massive impact on my life and dd's life. I adore dd but my life is basically juggling work and home, and there is no "me". My dd does see her father but his new family always comes first and she is painfully aware of that.

Hapaxlegomenon · 27/04/2017 22:58

I agree with everyone else - walking out on your wife when you have a 1 and 3 year old because you feel like you fell out of lovr is a disgrace.

Deadsouls · 27/04/2017 23:05

Agree with PP saying that how you're representing your viewpoint is oversimplifying and generalising what can be very complicated situations. It sounds more like you're justifying your own actions, (which you don't need to do in any case), and projecting it into others' in a similar situation. Truth is, we often can't know what goes on in others' relationships, or why a person left. I don't believe it's often just as clear cut as not loving another person anymore. Maybe in your situation, yes, but do you really know why your cousin's husband left her. Also some people do stay in marriages when they don't feel 'in love' with their spouse. Does that mean they're cruel or wrong? I don't think so. Maybe it works for them.

user1463172942 · 27/04/2017 23:29

Another vote for manchild.

I'm currently getting divorced, the dc are 10,9 and 3.

The effect on them, their self esteem and happiness is heartbreaking.

In my case I was being emotionally and financially abused so it is the least awful of 2 awful choices.

Perhaps it's different if you only have 1 child and split when they are very young. I'm guessing the OP doesn't really get the difference in workload/cost/ effect on career of having 1 dc vs having 2 or more.

But he's basically skipped off and has left her with a mountain to climb and far fewer financial and practical resources to do so.

Trifleorbust · 28/04/2017 06:18

In response to a pp saying that walking out on your children isn't leaving them... well, it would certainly feel like leaving them to me. Nothing could compel me to walk out on my child. I would honestly die before I left her. So I don't have too much sympathy for the 'not in love' position, to be honest. My love for my child comes first.

skerrywind · 28/04/2017 06:25

trifle- I completely agree.

CPtart · 28/04/2017 06:41

zampa. I very much doubt most men have their DC 40% of the time. The ones I know certainly don't.

TheLuminaries · 28/04/2017 06:48

I just think of the blended families I see, where mum trills on to me about how much the children love their new life & all they happy they all are - and you look at the children's eyes and they are like the pictures you see of hostage victims. Children have no choice, they have to survive and if mum insists they are happy, they have to act out happy. It is Stockholm syndrome played out in the domestic sphere.

What is best for mum and dad may not be best for the children and walking out on a 1 year old and a 3 year old makes you a selfish shit. The baby and toddler years are not about romantic love, life cannot be wholly centred by your own needs, there is a time in your life to put your children first.

Underthemoonlight · 28/04/2017 06:56

It's ironic op you say the man doesn't walk out on the children but in your title it says it's not unreasonable to do so. The man is making the decision to choose not to live with their young DC, he is giving up the opportunity to do so, the younger years are so much harder and being someone left with a one year old it is bloody crappy and a lot of people certainly judge a man for walking out on his Mrs and his baby often or not there are free to come and go as they please forge career without restrictions, whilst the woman is left holding the baby. Years ago it was frowned on. People worked through their marriages for better for worse. Now it seems that certain people think it's ok for men to leave their wife and young child then restart again and have a new family.

Angrybird123 · 28/04/2017 07:10

My ex left me with a 3 and 5 year old for ow . He kept on saying he wasnt leaving them , just me. But he moved two hours away and sees them 48 hours a month. Not sure how that equates to not leaving them. And they are fully aware he has and why - they aren't stupid. Same bullshit manchild reasons about soul mates etc. We had married just 18 months previously.

TheNaze73 · 28/04/2017 07:16

It's not so simple but, YANBU

cuckooplusone · 28/04/2017 07:26

My ex left me when DD was 3 and is actively involved in her life, she spends 3 days out of 7 with him. We work together fairly amicably, because being her parents is not the question. It is not what I would have chosen to do, but I am happier with my DP than I was with him. It was really tough for me, I had to move to a cheaper house and DD had to spend more time in childcare so I could work more. My career suffered as I had a period with little support at home to help with cover. So whilst it has worked out OK, not something I think anyone should do lightly. It really dented my confidence. DD says that she feels my house is her home and her dad tends to defer to me in decisions like school choices.

user838383 · 28/04/2017 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristmasFluff · 28/04/2017 07:29

My position is very similar to Jacques. I very much liked my ex-husband by the time we divorced, but the thought of having sex with him made me feel sick to the stomach. So no sex for over 4 years. All the people talking about 'manchild' stuff: how many threads on mumsnet are about women who are carrying a manchild through their entire lives, doing all the donkey work anyway? Better they bugger off and leave the woman with one less burden. That's how I felt - my husband was one more burden to me, and he wasn't prone to the spectacular manchild behaviour people talk about here.

He went on to marry a lovely woman who has become a good friend. Our son has two stable families now (although I am still on my own) instead of one where the tension was palpable. He has two happy parents, who both love him and get on well. Friends didn't have to choose between us, we are all part of the same friend group still. Yes, we went to counselling, but the counsellor pointed out that I had already left the marriage in my head, and the best way forward would be individual counselling for my now ex-husband to come to terms with that. Our son was 5 when my ex-h moved out, and has only the most dim memories of living with us together. He feels sorry for people who don't have two families, two christmases, two birthdays etc.

Sometimes the damage comes from staying for so long that you've come to hate eachother by the time you split.

Laiste · 28/04/2017 07:44

Abusive relationships aside, of course as always, the younger a child is when a parent leaves the harder it is for the parent left behind. And yet the younger a child is when the parent leaves the less chance there is of that child even noticing the change and being saddened by it. Ironic. (I'm talking about under 3s here).

While i'm not saying a split is a picnic for the children involved in every case, it must be remembered that for every anecdote from onlookers about children seeming miserable after a split there'll be an opposite story going un-noticed. It's the nature of it. You don't hear about or notice the uneventful scenarios. Because they were ... uneventful - the child was unaffected and life just chunnered on. If the dad/mum or who ever walked out was a crap parent then kids aren't going to miss them much. If at all!

When i split with XH my 3 DCs very first questions were 'are we still going to be able to go riding', 'will we still be at the same school', 'can we stay in the village 'cos of our friends' and 'can we choose our own bedding in the new house'. Seriously. I said yes to all the above and they all cheered. Youngest was 8, as i said before. When i asked if they'd like to know the plans for seeing their dad they looked a bit bemused. When i pushed the eldest on this point later on when we were alone she said - and i quote - ''i'm not that bothered, he hardly speaks to us much anyway''. I was sad, but not surprised tbh.

In the days and weeks later, when i would make gentle enquiries about when they were going to go to their father's (our old house) for the weekend/evening ect. it was met with apathy or even irritation because they wanted to do something else or slob around at home with me. I would push. They'd push back. He couldn't be arsed to encourage them so i stopped bothering and left them to it.

He wasn't an abusive man. He was just always a distant uninterested father to them who never took the time to know them properly and drifted through life more interested in his bloody war gaming than his kids. As it is now, with them all in their late teens and 20s, he's become an afterthought to them. He didn't step up when it was obvious he was going to loose them, and they're old enough to see that now.

8FencingWire · 28/04/2017 07:49

YANBU.
From my experience, I can't say enough how much happier DD and I are. Yes, it's not all a bed of roses, but I find it much easier without my exH's manchild attitude, passive agressiveness. I don't have to teach him to be a father anymore, I don't have to tiptoe and compromise in my DD's and mine's detriment.
He can have her whenever he wants. Whenever she wants. Their relationship continues, but I am not orchestrating anything anymore, DD realised a long time ago I was behind all the fun father daughter time (that always had to be on his terms, ie not before 12, because he needed his sleep etc) and I was actually doing all the parenting, but it had to be 'approved' first by him.
If it sounds like a headache it's because it was.
But, I did try talking, counselling, trying to please and maintain peace, shouting. I've done this for over a decade.

I wish I didn't bother.
So now we're happy.
He's invited to all major events, we do parents evening together, we split our annual leave to care for her etc.
The activities she does, parties, going out with her friends, sleepovers etc, it doesn't matter if she's home or at her dad's, she will inform either of us and we'll take her there or accomodate what she wants to do. When exH tried to say he's too tired to take her somewhere on his time, I simply said he doesn't have to, I will, if he can't be bother to spend time with his DD because he's got a hangover or wants a lie in. Not because I'm some sort of martyr, it's because my child comes first. Also, she's old enough to express her dissapointment with her Dad or go places on her own. So I simply stopped being a father for him, he's the father he is and our DD sees that.

Financially, without his salary even, we're still better off. He used to spend his on himself, was crap with money and reluctantly chose to buy stuff for the house/DD that was crap quality and didin't last a week. I budget, save, we seem to have a better life on just one salary.
Works for us.

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 28/04/2017 07:52

Abusive relationships aside

No one is expecting women to stay indefinitely with selfish, lazy, financially abusive men.

But when a man leaves a woman because they have small children and it's not about him any more, or when women leave men they proclaim to care about who are loving fathers and husband because they whine they aren't in love, I do judge, sorry. Especially when the children of that union are dragged into relationships with step and half parents and siblings they didn't choose.

8FencingWire · 28/04/2017 07:54

Oh, and I am with someone now. I asked him the other night what shall we have for dinner, as you do. His response was: why don't we let your DD choose and I'll cook. That was unheard of in my old life eith exH. My DD adores my boyfriend, he's got time for her.

nooka · 28/04/2017 07:55

I agree with a PP who said it's what happens after the split that really matters. dh and I separated for two years when our children were young and had a true 50:50 residence that went as well as it possibly could. Only possible because we could afford to have two close together homes, but came with all sorts of compromises that we took as parents because we thought it was the right thing to do for our children.

In the long term that might not have gone on being possible though, as it meant having jobs (that we liked or at least tolerated) in the same area, and for both of us at that point not having new relationships. In my mind one of the important things was that we both had the same focus on our children that we did when we were together. So no new romance or new babies, no new jobs, no moves to somewhere that we liked the look of more etc. Different sacrifices and just as much dependency on each other.

We've been back together for almost ten years now, and that has been much easier all round. Bed remade for all of us, and love rekindled. Would of been a hell of a lot cheaper and less painful to have worked things out in the first place, long before we split.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 28/04/2017 07:55

But he's basically skipped off and has left her with a mountain to climb and far fewer financial and practical resources to do so.

Yeah. Honestly, I read that OP and all I can think of is the sheer hard, unrelenting grind of small children and having to do that by yourself most of the time because the other person who made them opted out. Because that's, statistically, what's probably happened.

I take the pp's point about it being less work if you're rid of a manchild, which is true, but then one way to avoid that situation is not to leave all the graft of small children to the other person in the first place.