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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's nothing wrong with leaving your wife and kids

305 replies

Fuzzybuzzybeebee · 27/04/2017 13:54

As long as you support your children and continue to be an active part of their lives.

I'm not talking about men or women who have affairs and leave their partners after cheating on them.

What I mean is a man or woman, who has fallen out of love with their partner or spouse and leaves them. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I actually think it's more cruel to stay with someone you don't love anymore.

My cousin's husband has left her and they have a 1 year and 3 year old. Everyone is saying he's the devil incarnate. I just don't feel that way. He obviously stopped loving her, so had to leave her.

He is still a good Dad to his children and supports both of them and she has said this.

I left my Sons Dad when my son was a toddler. I tried very very hard to stay together but I didn't love him and couldn't stay. I don't think that makes me evil.

You should try and make a relationship work. You should try everything. But when you truly stop loving someone, the right thing to do is leave. And that doesn't make you a bad person as long as you support your children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 28/04/2017 19:26

I've seen it when children have even been left behind in the next round of partner swapping and are not related to anyone in the house

Simply won't happen here

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 28/04/2017 19:27

I think we've established by now it's not about you, Jacques

user1493022461 · 28/04/2017 19:29

You're not leaving your children

Of course you are, if you leave the family home. Don't kid yourself you aren't.

Far too many people have children with people they shouldn't.

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2017 19:38

Pink except the point I quoted and replied to was clearly about me because it was, you know, addressed to me 😂😭

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 28/04/2017 19:43

The first sentence was. I don't think the rest of the post was, and it is an extremely valid point.

Insisting that because your child is happy so leaving the family home is just fine, thanks very much, misses the point that the majority of children this happens to do go onto be dragged into various relationships with the resulting lack of longevity and turmoil when/if they end. And statistically, the most dangerous thing that can happen to a child is to share their space with an unrelated male.

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2017 19:45

And statistically, the most dangerous thing that can happen to a child is to share their space with an unrelated male

Totally agreed. But of course you can ensure this doesn't happen.

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 28/04/2017 19:46

Except many people don't, which is the point!

LucieLucie · 28/04/2017 19:48

Fundamentally yes it is wrong to leave your wife and kids.

Marriage is supposed to be a huge commitment to that one person for life but people don't seem to take their vows seriously at all any more.

Marriage takes hard work and there's ups and downs and challenges along the way. Simply up and leaving when things get tough (kids are only 1 and 3 in this case) is shitty.

I've had periods of time where I've questioned my marriage and my feelings for my husband, particularly after 5 years but I'm glad I stuck it out.

Unless there's abuse or other significant reason then I believe it's a weak and shitty thing to do.

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2017 19:49

The point which I have made all along is that children aren't necessarily affected negatively by splits. I never once extrapolated that out to be "all children".

If you have read the thread in full I am sure you'll agree there've been some sweeping generalisations the other way. Including people practically revelling in trying to suggest that me saying my child is happy is not possible.

C0RAL · 28/04/2017 19:51

Much respect to you and your ex, jacques, for making it work.

You have been quite upfront about the fact that your circumstances are unusual - involved and supportive dad living nearby and working part time, no new partners or other children and only one child. So I don't know why some posters are giving you a hard time.

You have shown the the key is having a responsible and committed ex who accepts his responsibilities . I wish more musnetters had exs like that.

I think it's sad that a thread which should be about feckless fathers who abandon their kids has somehow turned into a thread criticising good mothers who leave unhappy marriages.

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 28/04/2017 19:53

Generally speaking jacques children are happier when parents stay together where there isn't abuse.

As I said to an earlier poster I don't know your child; I can't say. And of course there are many unhappy children in existing marriages and relationships.

But it is this idea that your own happiness is the primary importance over and above your child's (I am using 'your' generally.) Many people who have been in abusive relationships don't in fact want another - but many who have just been left high and dry do. For confidence and for companionship. These are very 'human' desires but the potential for hurt in them is vast.

bunnylove99 · 28/04/2017 20:21

I think yabu OP. Your cousins DH presumably took a vow in marrying your cousin to commit to her for life. If he left her with a one year old he presumably committed to making that baby with her only months before that. He has been really irresponsible and selfish. Everyone has tough times in marriage. It can be hard work but most people try harder than that for their children's sake, putting them first. Your poor cousin left on her own a young woman with two young kids. It's no wonder your family are mad with him.

motherinferior · 28/04/2017 20:38

I'm so bloody glad I'm not married. If my partner and I decide to separate at least nobody can pontificate at us about 'lifetime commitments'. Makes you wonder why divorce was ever legalised in the first place...

Headofthehive55 · 28/04/2017 20:39

The first point I made was to jaques , the second a more general point.
On the whole I think children if divorced parents get a rough deal, that's not to say it's worse than the staying together if there is all out fighting or abuse, but generally I think they have less resources available to them.
I think I may be right in saying that a large proportion of divorced parents do not remain in contact with the child they left, even if they had good intentions at the time.

TresDesolee · 28/04/2017 20:41

I agree there's something here about men (as a category) putting much less energy than women do into maintaining healthy relationships - being kind and thoughtful, doing the emotional homework, putting themselves last, as well as all the actual dull crap of running a household.

For a lot of women, especially after children, a genuinely unhappy but non-abusive relationship means being exhausted, not understood or listened to, feeling fundamentally unappreciated, and having their status as a human being worthy of respect and affection invalidated on a daily basis. I decided I wouldn't live with that despite having 2 dc, because it was turning me into an empty shell (he wasn't abusive, just emotionally blank, selfish and incompetent) and I wouldn't expect anyone else to either.

As to whether or not our dc would have been happier if we'd stayed together - there's simply no way of knowing. You can't run that counter factual. Of course I have a lot invested in believing them to be happy. I do think I would have been chronically, life-changingly and permanently unhappy. I had already been so for four years.

I do think blended families are fantastically difficult to pull off, but then I haven't tried it myself.

TresDesolee · 28/04/2017 20:42

lol @ motherinferior. We weren't married either so I dodge that bullet Grin

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 28/04/2017 20:43

I think it's having children that's the distinction, not the marriage.

User627938362 · 28/04/2017 21:07

What happens when a man is left with little choice because his wife has an affair?

GoatsFeet · 28/04/2017 21:10

Coral I very much agree. There's a big difference between the OP's cousin's exH leaving her literally "holding the babies" because he's wanting to have sex with someone else "fallen out of love," and a woman with children leaving a marriage when the husband is not pulling his weight (see eleventh million threads in here and in Relationships).

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2017 21:35

But it is this idea that your own happiness is the primary importance over and above your child's (I am using 'your' generally.)

That's a fair point. But I don't feel we did put our happiness (and I am talking about both of ours as it was a mutual split) above our child's. We worked on the basis that we both needed to be happy to continue creating a happy household - that if it got to the point where we were miserable and arguing that wouldn't be a good environment for her. I think I am trying to say that all our happiness is intertwined really.

Coral thank you 😊 we both work full time actually - and are lucky to be able to do so however we like. We both work for ourselves. My usual week would be 9-3.15 three days a week then 9 until I am done the other two, working the weekends she's at her dads if I need to - if I have missed time to go to school events. Hard work but worth it!

Bethan2 · 28/04/2017 22:23

My parents separated several times when I was growing up. There was shouting and arguments and drinking and violence. They tried to make a go of it for myself and my siblings, but as a wife and mother myself now, I wish then had just stayed separated as it would have been a lot less stressful. X

apringle · 28/04/2017 23:17

I think if you have a 1 and 3 year old you're probably dog tired and think you hate everyone! I have small children and we know these are the crazy years and once they're both in school it's a better time to assess if you don't love a person or we're just so exhausted you didn't know how you felt about anything!

user1494743274 · 14/05/2017 08:28

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Ss770640 · 25/07/2018 13:25

@Fuzzy

You had no attraction to your spouse yet you had a child with him?

I think your delusional. You’ve put your own happiness above that of your child’s and spouse.

You might as well simply admit you enjoy freedom of new partners because deep down it’s the selfish choice you made.

I’m guessing you maybe conceived with a one night stand. That would be the only mitigating factor where your comments are valid.

NordicNobody · 25/07/2018 14:04

For a lot of women, especially after children, a genuinely unhappy but non-abusive relationship means being exhausted, not understood or listened to, feeling fundamentally unappreciated, and having their status as a human being worthy of respect and affection invalidated on a daily basis. I decided I wouldn't live with that despite having 2 dc, because it was turning me into an empty shell (he wasn't abusive, just emotionally blank, selfish and incompetent) and I wouldn't expect anyone else to either.

This basically describes my parents marriage, if you throw in a lot of shouting and "physical discipline" from my father. Nothing that would be considered abuse even today, but enough to make us all extremely miserable. He left when I was 5 and my brother was 3 and I have never ever wished that he stayed. In fact, looking back on my childhood the thought that we might have had him around 24/7 me shudder. I definitely don't believe in staying together for the kids, I'd rather be raised in a single parent household than an unhappy household anyway!

That being said, and I except that I'm contradicting myself a bit here, things would need to be very very bad before I'd consider leaving dp. He's always been adamant that if we'd split he'd want 50/50 custody and he's a brilliant dad. The thought of either of us not seeing our children everyday is devastating. I would need a very good reason to put us both through that. I also agree with everyone saying that you don't conceive a child and then "fall out of love" 19 months later. That in no way speaks of someone who has fine all they can to save the relationship. That's someone who got bored of the reality of family life/ young children and went off to be happy living the single life, whilst still seeing the kids every now and then and being lauded as a "great involved father".