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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's nothing wrong with leaving your wife and kids

305 replies

Fuzzybuzzybeebee · 27/04/2017 13:54

As long as you support your children and continue to be an active part of their lives.

I'm not talking about men or women who have affairs and leave their partners after cheating on them.

What I mean is a man or woman, who has fallen out of love with their partner or spouse and leaves them. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I actually think it's more cruel to stay with someone you don't love anymore.

My cousin's husband has left her and they have a 1 year and 3 year old. Everyone is saying he's the devil incarnate. I just don't feel that way. He obviously stopped loving her, so had to leave her.

He is still a good Dad to his children and supports both of them and she has said this.

I left my Sons Dad when my son was a toddler. I tried very very hard to stay together but I didn't love him and couldn't stay. I don't think that makes me evil.

You should try and make a relationship work. You should try everything. But when you truly stop loving someone, the right thing to do is leave. And that doesn't make you a bad person as long as you support your children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TiredMumToTwo · 28/04/2017 13:05

I'm sure my Mum thinks me & my brother were better off because she "stayed together for the kids" but I'm pretty sure we'd be more balanced & have better relationships of our own if she'd LTB.

floraeasy · 28/04/2017 13:12

The thing is, the child won't know how bad things could have become if their parents hadn't split iyswim. They will obviously picture a good marriage if their parents had stayed together, not a bad one.

Feckitall · 28/04/2017 13:16

I'm a bit on the fence as I can see both sides...staying in a dead relationship can either become too painful or end up with a shift to companionship. The effect on DC can influence their future relationships.
I would say though that there is a overwhelming opinion that men are at fault...manchild...opt out of family etc but in a lot of cases its not what the man wants and in low earners it can end up with the man in a bedsit or worse out on the street. The presumption is the mother will keep the kids in the home. A single man will not get any help. Seeing dad once a fortnight for a couple of hours in a playpark because dad hasn't got anywhere to take them, when he would dearly love to have them 50% of the time but sofa surfs, because mum fell out of love doesn't do the kids any good either. Not all men are deadbeat dads.

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2017 13:33

TheLuminaries she's almost 11 so quite able to have her own voice.

And genuinely it's not my "blinkered" view - all her teachers, all her out of school coaches, friends' parents all query whether she's ever unhappy as she's the sunniest character ever: I have to answer no. She's a delight 😊

QueenofEsgaroth · 28/04/2017 13:43

A colleague of DH's walked out on his week old newborn and 4yo disabled child and was surprised at people's reaction not being in his favour!

Several years on he still waxes lyrical about how he never gets to see the children and how awful their gold digging mother is.

DH can't stand him.

RoboticSealpup · 28/04/2017 13:57

My point is that there is a weird split between the 'stick it out whatever happens' feeling on this thread and the 'oh we are so blissful' feeling on a lot of others.

It's not weird at all because the topic of this thread is about as vague as they come and people have interpreted it in vastly different ways.

motherinferior · 28/04/2017 14:01

You seem to be determined that Jaques is blinkered, though. She can't win.

It isn't always a destructive thing, from people I've talked to. Ones who say in fact their families reconfigured quite happily.

AmeliaLion · 28/04/2017 14:21

flora, I'm definitely not advocating people stay together in the situation you describe. I'm trying, somewhat clumsily, to point out that living in two separate homes does complicated a child's life, particularly when they are teenagers. It is just my experience of even the most loving and well meaning parents that the child finds school / social organisation more difficult when they don't have one main home. I'm not judging them for splitting up or for having 50/50 residency, just stating that there is no ideal situation. Each couple has to make a decision about what is best for their child(ren).

floraeasy · 28/04/2017 15:29

Amelia I think I understand what you mean.

Perhaps I should have added that IMO my mum can be so toxic that I am not sure our lives would have been so great even if she had left. We wouldn't have had the martial rows of course. Her staying was a stick to beat us with, but I think one way or the other, she'd be blaming us for whatever situation she found herself in. That's a whole other thread though.

MyBeautifulSquid · 28/04/2017 16:44

I don't think I've ever known a happy child of divorced parents

DS wouldn't agree! His dad left when he was a baby it was a mutual decision we hated eachother by then and don't ask how he was conceived it was nothing short of a random bloody miracle

11 years on I am remarried (7 years ago) and had 2 more dcs. DS dad is also remarried with 2 stepDC to an absolutely lovely woman. We all get on great and exH and I actually laugh about the fact that we were even ever together Grin as we were so unsuited. We are so glad it happened how it did and we didn't limp on for god knows how long maybe missing the chance of happiness. Yeah I did love him once in some way, but nothing compared to what I feel for my now DH.

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 28/04/2017 16:49

See I can't say whether your DS is happy or not squid but your post is I'd say pretty standard - I'm happy, so my child is.

MyBeautifulSquid · 28/04/2017 17:10

Well I can safely tell you he IS happy thanks Pink :)

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2017 17:38

Interesting how many times we are told "happy mother happy child" when it comes to pretty much everything.

Guess we've found the point where that doesn't apply?

Because if it's a case of two blissfully happy parents. Not together any more but with respect and affection for each other, dd seeing fully functioning adult relationships and two stable, happy homes vs mum and dad staying together for her and getting ground down by the mundanity and lack of true marriage until they're not so affectionate and the split is acrimonious I know which most children would prefer

BertrandRussell · 28/04/2017 17:54

"Interesting how many times we are told "happy mother happy child" when it comes to pretty much everything."

Actually, I think "happy mother, happy child" is complete bollocks.

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 28/04/2017 17:59

Yes, so do I Bert

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2017 18:02

Must don the sackcloth and ashes Grin

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2017 18:08

I do find it depressing though that bright, intelligent, young women would martyr themselves to stay in an unfulfilling marriage for the sake of children.

I don't see children's happiness as dependent on parents being together.

GoatsFeet · 28/04/2017 18:28

Just tagging on - I wonder if there's a difference between a husband leaving (as in the OP) when the children are in the baby/toddler difficult phase, and no-one's had enough sleep for about a century, and there has been a huge shift in role & demands (from individual to parent, from joint earner to single breadwinner, etc etc) , and how you find your "old" self - all the things that can make those early years of establishing a family quite hard.

And if the husband just cannot grow up enough, become unselfish enough, to cope & support his wife in her early years/baby caring work - then I don't think it's a "nothing wrong" situation.

I think it's a lot about men being unwilling to set their egos and their selfish desires aside. And women are left (literally) holding the baby.

And I say that as the daughter of parents who became increasingly estranged.

I don't think the answer is the parents separating - I think the answer is socialising boys & men differently.

CrazedZombie · 28/04/2017 18:33

The first 12 months of having a baby are super stressful. I judge a person who'd leave a non-abusive relationship with a child under 1.

I think it is cruel to leave if the other person didn't know that the other person was at the point of leaving. You don't suddenly leave. There's usually a period of emotionally detaching and planning/getting practicalities sorted.

"Fell out of love" is often code for want to fuck someone else. There are couples who drift apart but things might be fixable if both sides make an effort.

CrazedZombie · 28/04/2017 18:34

Is the dad having them 50/50? With 50/50 there's no maintenance payable but if he's a great dad then he'll be paying 50% of the childcare bill so mum can work.

Aderyn2016 · 28/04/2017 18:35

Children of divorced parents can be as happy as children with happily together parents, so long as the parents genuinely put their dc first. That means not bitching about each other in front of their dc, taking proper financial responsibility for them, prioritising time with them and not making them somewhere down the list after new partner, hobbies etc. And genuinely thinking about what will work best for your dc when deciding to blend families;not just assuming your kids are perfectly happy to share a house/life with a bunch of other people just because the parent wants to.
Sadly a lot of parents put their oen desires above their children's needs and it is selfishness, not divorce that makes kids unhappy!

CrazedZombie · 28/04/2017 18:41

I'm divorced.

I think that ex has become a better dad as a result of the split. In this respect, the children are better off. They haven't had to move home or school which is also a massive positive.

On the other hand, they've seen a lot of bad behaviour from him to me. I think that will inevitably affect future relationships. They are teens so don't see it now but I think that they will later.

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2017 18:45

Aderyn - agreed.

There are no blended families here which has I am sure made the transition easier. There will also be no more children in this household so no adjustments needed :)

emilybrontescorset · 28/04/2017 18:49

Aderyn- that is true.
Sadly a lot of parents don't act that way. I guess the more of a dick one parent becomes, the more agrevated the other becomes hence a lose/ lose situation for the children.

Headofthehive55 · 28/04/2017 19:22

I think that has possibly made things much easier for you jacques
I've seen it when children have even been left behind in the next round of partner swapping and are not related to anyone in the house. A friend of mine at school was like that. She found it awkward.

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