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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think there's nothing wrong with leaving your wife and kids

305 replies

Fuzzybuzzybeebee · 27/04/2017 13:54

As long as you support your children and continue to be an active part of their lives.

I'm not talking about men or women who have affairs and leave their partners after cheating on them.

What I mean is a man or woman, who has fallen out of love with their partner or spouse and leaves them. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I actually think it's more cruel to stay with someone you don't love anymore.

My cousin's husband has left her and they have a 1 year and 3 year old. Everyone is saying he's the devil incarnate. I just don't feel that way. He obviously stopped loving her, so had to leave her.

He is still a good Dad to his children and supports both of them and she has said this.

I left my Sons Dad when my son was a toddler. I tried very very hard to stay together but I didn't love him and couldn't stay. I don't think that makes me evil.

You should try and make a relationship work. You should try everything. But when you truly stop loving someone, the right thing to do is leave. And that doesn't make you a bad person as long as you support your children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GutInstinct · 27/04/2017 20:24

I find it remarkable that whenever there are threads about people who have affairs the stock phrase is "if someone is unhappy in their relationship then they should leave before it gets to the point of cheating." And yet here people are essentially saying that it is never acceptable to leave a relationship ever.

On the latest affair thread I have stated that society is not supportive of people who leave unhappy marriages, which is why IMHO, so many people end up having affairs. It's not a justification, there isn't one, but the truth is that if someone is unhappy then there is a good chance that they will at some point connect emotionally and then ultimately physically with someone else.

The first time I talked about leaving my H my eldest was two. Becoming a sahm I realised that I had been isolated from the world at large and he wanted to increase that by moving to the other side of the country for work with no consideration of the fact that he wasn't changing jobs whereas for me I would be leaving family and friends and a support network behind. We had massively grown apart. I won't go into the rest of the details, but all I will say is that the relationship became increasingly emotionally abusive. And in the end, I ended up having an affair. It was a short-lived thing but it made me realise that I was worth something after all even though he had told me for years that I wasn't.

I'm not proud of what I did. I wish I'd had the strength to leave sooner, and I can state hand on heart that I would never do it again. But even after everything I went through I am the scum for cheating on my husband. And in fact I would it seems still be scum if I'd left beforehand. Was in fact told by numerous people that the only acceptable reasons to leave a relationship are physical violence and infidelity, and as such he had every right to leave me and should have left me penniless because of what I had done. And everything that he did over the years, isolating me from friends and family, gaslighting, threatening to kill my animals, was all obliterated by my one act.

I have in fact been told on the other thread that I obviously didn't want to be alone so I waited to find someone else so I didn't have to be a single parent on benefits (I didn't leave for the OM, that ended and I could have stayed but didn't,) someone else has stated that it seems unbelievable that people in abusive relationships just needed to "slam their genitals together with someone else's" to realise that they could leave. And now on this thread people are saying that nobody should leave. Not ever.

I considered staying. I thought about maintaining the status quo for the DC. But you know what? At some point the DC would have grown up and then me and H would have been alone, for ever. If it's not acceptable to end a relationship when there are children at home then it's not acceptable to end a relationship ever, so you are essentially signing up for another 40 years of misery even when the children leave home, and all because you decided to have children.

I do believe that leaving relationships has become far too easy, and I do think that we owe it to ourselves and our partners and children to try. I did for eight years. And I think the calls of LTB are far too frequent on MN, husband stayed out all night drinking? LTB. Husband doesn't help with the housework? LTB. There has to be middle ground between just walking away and becoming a martyr for the rest of your life.

FixItUpChappie · 27/04/2017 20:33

I'm not saying never and I'm not speaking to abusive relationships but, I am pointing out that when two people merge their lives (financial and otherwise), choose to embark on a family together and then one just opts out and taking the kids with them...that has a certain cruelty to it in lots of real life situations.

MoreThanUs · 27/04/2017 20:36

I may have missed something but I haven't seen anyone say people should never leave.

MoreThanUs · 27/04/2017 20:37

Posters have also been clear to say that they are not talking about abusive relationships.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 27/04/2017 20:38

Wonder where all of the people judging OP were on the thread about people having affairs? Hmm

(Gut I read your post on the the other thread)

If you don't love the other person, of course you owe it to your family to try and make it work - but I think it's really unfair to judge OP and say she left her relationship 'lightly'. I also think it's ridiculous to say you should stay with someone who makes you unhappy for the kids Hmm how stupid do you think kids are that they can't pick up on what's going on? It was pure relief for me when my parents split, they'd clearly hated each other for years.

I think your cousin is entitled to her feelings. As they have a one year old he's either put in no effort and decided to cut his losses or had a baby with someone to try and patch things up. Neither things are particularly admirable.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 27/04/2017 20:43

Wide Horizon has MoreThanUs. Can't be arsed to read everyone's opinion again.

People should make an effort, that I agree with. People should stay together for the children, in that that unlike this particular bloke, they shouldn't decide that they can't stay when they have a baby in the house.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/04/2017 20:47

I dunno. DS's best friend's parents split up when he was seven. He was a bright, cheery little boy and to have him announce, out of the blue, at our dinner table, with wobbly voice and brimming eyes that, "Mummy and Daddy are splitting up, but they both still love me," was one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever seen.

Three years on, his parents live around the corner from each other and share care; they are both devoted, involved parents. Both have new partners and step siblings are in the mix.

But that little boy is very different to the buoyant, invincible little lad he was was. He is teary and over sensitive and a bit petulant. It is really noticeable how much he has changed.

BenadrylCucumberpatch · 27/04/2017 20:55

GutInstinct

I've also commented on the affair thread, but not this one so far. My opinion over on that thread remains the same. There's no need to cheat, if you're unhappy then leave.

But cheating is not always a symptom of an unhappy marriage. Sometimes people cheat simply because they can.

I think if someone is unhappily married then they should leave. If they no longer love their DH/DW then the marriage is a pointless waste of both of their time.

I wouldn't stay if I didn't love DH, and I'd think he was doing me (and himself) a massive disservice to remain in a relationship with me while not feeling the love you should.

YANBU Op.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/04/2017 21:01

YNBU. Dont get me wrong I still think the ex is a monumental bellend completely unthinking arse on many occasions but he's always remained very active with the kids since we split six years ago.

Sometimes I question if I did the right thing, then I'll be taking the rubbish out in the evening and hear the neighbours having yet another screaming match domestic and I'm glad we didnt just stay together for the sake of the kids like they did. She told me this herself when she was pregnant with her youngest.

BillMasen · 27/04/2017 21:02

I "left" my ex W after her 3rd affair but I didn't leave my kids. It upsets me all the time that I'm not there with them and I miss out on so many moments with them, but I didn't chose to break up the family, I had that pretty much forced on me.

I have them around 40% of the time and consider myself to be a fully involved dad.

Not every man who "leaves" has done it on a whim, or is selfish, or a manchild

CPtart · 27/04/2017 21:09

No, but you're in the minority. And how many of your DC were conceived after her first affair, therefore irresponsibly bringing more children into an unstable relationship? (If none, I take back that comment).

Aderyn2016 · 27/04/2017 21:12

I think a lot of this would be resolved if men nrp were forced to pay what it actually costs to support their dc and not the pittance they currently get away with. It should be made completely socially (and legally) unacceptable to not look after your own dc. Then people might think twice about leaving on a whim, if they weren't going to be able to swan off and live life as if they weren't parents!

I could no more leave my dc than fly to the moon and I do not understand anyone who can.

Zampa · 27/04/2017 21:19

CPTart I genuinely don't believe that men like Bill are the minority. All the divorced men I know contribute in terms of time and money. Sadly, each one has also had to fight for contact.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 27/04/2017 21:19

Having a child is a life long commitment. Part of that commitment is to try absolutely everything, before splitting. Everything.

Men who walk out on very small children are just utter twats. They haven't tried to make the relationship work, they just can't be arsed to deal with small children. How can you "fall out of love' with someone who you created a child with just a few months earlier?

I think your cousin was a selfish uncaring and unpleasant man op. I bet his wife is thrilled about being with 2 young dc on her own.

My ex eh left me when our ds was 18 months old. He "fell out of love'. What an utter load of shite, he just couldn't be bothered any more.

Fwiw, l was suicidal when it happened. This must have affected my ds, l can't see how it didn't. But hey, poor ex dh had to go and 'find himself' didn't he?😒. Just like all the other selfish fuckers who just go without trying to sort anything out. I've no truck or patience with any of this sort of shite 20 years later. It's just self indulgent crap.

Xmasbaby11 · 27/04/2017 21:19

One parent leaving is a last resort. If the dc are 1 and 3, I'd argue that's too soon to throw in the towel, assuming the dc were planned. Also, the early years are hard on a relationship so for that reason I'd encourage anyone to try to sit it out.

TiredMumToTwo · 27/04/2017 21:37

As with so many things in life, there are too many shades of grey - no one apart from the couple know what goes on on the relationship.
My DH left his partner when his DD was 2, not because he willingly chose to have a child & then got bored but because his ex had a "contraception fail" so child was not planned & was then putting pressure on to have another child when the relationship was already very rocky.
I see my parents as a cautionary tale, they stayed together for the kids and made themselves and everyone else bloody miserable. My Mum is now waiting for my Dad to die so she "gets all the money rather than just getting half".
I co-parent with my ex-H 50/50, we live 10 mins away from each other & everything is divided up completely equally. Everyone is happier and my son & his dad have the most amazing relationship now that never existed when we were together as a family - I know I did everything in my power to save my first marriage & that we did the right thing by agreeing unanimously to split up.

Catsize · 27/04/2017 21:40

It's not about the adults, it's about the children. Not feeling romantically attracted to someone is not a good enough reason to break up the family unit you created.

Elendon · 27/04/2017 21:44

I've never known happy divorced parents, who happily co parent.

I've known lots of unhappy divorced parents and lots of unhappy married parents. And some parents who get on fine together and stayed together.

MrsMakka · 27/04/2017 21:47

In a perfect world, where the parent leaving took equal responsibility for their children, put them first, paid what they should and all the rest, I'd agree with you OP.

In reality, that rarely seems to be the case. As PP have said, it's usually the father leaving, he might have the best intentions to begin with but then a new girlfriend or hobby comes on the scene and the resident parent is left doing the donkey work while the Disney dad takes the kids out and stuffs them with ice cream EOW.

I'm also at a stage where I see many of my friends divorcing and embarking on blended families, and although they say things like "the kids love it, they get on so well", nine times out of ten I'm not sure that's the truth. Of course it can be successful, but it takes a lot of time and effort, level headed common sense, detachment and fairness on the part of the couple, and who has that when they are in the throes of a new love, wrangling a squad of children half of whom aren't your own, plus dealing with the various ex partners? Hard, hard work.

I'm not advocating staying in miserable, abusive marriages of course. Divorce isn't the problem- it's how we deal with the aftermath, and specifically it's how society lets men away with blue murder. Throw your kid an ice cream and stick them in front of the telly EOW and you're an amazing dad. Meanwhile the single mum slogging her guts out is fair game for criticism. It's not right. I'm a teacher, and I often find that the children who come to school with no books or equipment, homework not done, uniform a state, a bit smelly, low level behaviour issues - are the ones who've just been to dad's for the weekend, and then they tell you that he left them to play xbox while he fucked off with a new gf. This is all purely anecdotal, but we see it time and time again, and for some reason it's more obviously boys. I have so much sympathy for their mums - we ring the parents, dad doesn't answer, mum does, mum sends in the new book/blazer or whatever in the next few days, child seems happier,work and behaviour improves gradually over the next few weeks- then dad wanders back into the picture and it's back to square one. It's not fair and it's not good enough but what on earth can be done? Nothing will change until it becomes difficult for men to neglect their responsibilities. Thousands of men don't pay child support and not a word is said, it's easy for NRP to get away with doing a shit job of parenting while people clap them on the back for still actually seeing their child.

OP, in your cousin's case - eighteen months ago they were clearly in love and thinking of the future because she became pregnant - now eighteen months on and he's left?

Walkingtowork · 27/04/2017 22:00

It increasingly feels to me like romantic attraction is a very shaky foundation for a family unit.

Walkingtowork · 27/04/2017 22:02

And imo it's particularly hard for couples where neither witnessed a healthy, committed relationship growing up.

elevenclips · 27/04/2017 22:09

I don't think anyone should walk out on a spouse, 1yo and 3yo unless there is abuse. It's horrendously tough to have kids those ages. Demands never ending. The nature of life at that stage is such that you cannot even tell whether you have fallen out of love with your spouse because it is such a shit and stressful time. That's why experts suggest not leaving at this point unless there is abuse. As for fucking an OW/OM at this point (when spouse is at home struggling with the above), yes, sorry that's devil incarnate behaviour.

honeyroar · 27/04/2017 22:14

Staying together for the sake of the children is not a good thing to do. My parents did it. Yes we had a family home and life, but my parents argued a lot. I remember feeling on eggshells a lot of the time. When they split up a decade later (we'd left home) they got on superbly well and remained good friends (but if they spend more than a day together they start pecking at one another!).

motherinferior · 27/04/2017 22:18

There is a rather odd combination on this thread of insisting people should stay together whether or not they love their partners, and assuming that 'they must have been in love because they had a baby together'.

motherinferior · 27/04/2017 22:20

eighteen months ago they were clearly in love and thinking of the future because she became pregnant - that, and the remarks like it - it's not necessarily the case at all.

Fwiw the number of posters who go on about how they are more in love after 20 years than ever before, can't imagine the